God Sends Me Cats

As I walked through the mist, a small cat- black and white -with large eyes crept down a path from a backyard. God sends me cats, so I listened closely for the teaching.

I stopped walking to crouch where I stood with palm-up, open hands and offered a soft "pst". The cat held eye contact with me, walking sweet and surefooted as though it would come right into my arms. Joy spread through my heart. I was special. I was chosen. I had something about me that the cat just wanted to get close to. Just looking at it I could feel its soft fur, hear the purrs, imagined us being all snuggled in my bed. It felt real. The cat closed the distance until only 10 feet away.

Then it stopped. Its body language changed. It staggered back, flattened its ears and looked away toward an escape route. I did not change my posture nor my action, staying crouched with palm-up, open hands. I did not approach or make myself bigger than it, just waited to watch what it chose to do. I spoke another "pst" and then a "hey, it's okay."

The cat darted off to the left through the darkened garden. Appearing on the far side of the brush, it ran down the sidewalk without another glance at me.

What happened? What changed? What did I do wrong?

Had I chased it I may have caught it, but likely would have been scratched and lost it all the same, just in a worse way. Had I been carrying a treat, he may have come to me but staying only momentarily until his feast was over. Then for even those moments he stayed how could I then be sure it was for me at all.

The only way for me to have him was for him to choose me, and he did not. He chose to run the opposite direction, creating distance ensuring I had no access to him. Though I looked over my shoulder and felt a sadness as I accepted this, I knew he was never mine. Even from the beginning when it felt I was sure he was.

Had I not walked down that road I’d have not felt the loss or rejection. The embarrassment from other onlookers. The devastation and confusion. The lack of closure and lingering questions of what could have been. However, I would also not have deepened my respect for myself in letting things be.

I know myself. I know I could have given that cat comfort, love, a home. Had he chosen me, I know I would have made him so happy. I am a peaceful heart, a kind soul and respectful in my ability to accept that the choices of others are only theirs. He did not choose me, and while there are parts of him I feel I missed out on, I know more of that which he missed out on from me.

Perhaps the cat was put-off by something about me when he got too close. Perhaps I moved my hands the wrong way or wore the wrong perfume. Perhaps I made one too many "pst pst" sounds and annoyed him. Perhaps my posture was too pushy or assuming. Perhaps he was scared by a passing car or other pedestrian. Perhaps he was hurt by a girl like me before. Perhaps he saw the a girl through the garden that looked like the one he lost. Perhaps he already had a home and I was merely an obstacle to get back...

I will never know why he didn’t choose me. I do know, however, that I was meant to see him, hope for him, briefly have him and lose him. Because God sends me cats.