Tingless Spectrum

I imagine myself somewhere right now:

A black forest and a white sky, covered with clouds.

There is a swing, it creaks a little but not too disturbingly.

The only sound is that and occasionally the unknown wind sound.

There is no one in this realm, just me.

It may seem very lonely, but I think it's peaceful.

I wish this was a place I could come to whenever I wanted.

But it only remains in my imagination.

People find it strange, but I don't understand why...

Is it because it's black, white, and gray?

Nonsense.

I don't understand what's scary about it.

If you know you're alone, it's not a problem.

Isn't our reason for being afraid of such places because we don't know if there's someone else there?

What if there's already someone and they're following me.

A creepy-looking, crazed stalker...

A black suit and a businessman look,

A terrifying face,

Eyes that never tire or close,

The only somewhat colorful thing here...the only thing that shouldn't belong here

Colors.

Just like on that person.

Sometimes I can't love primary colors

Green, blue, yellow, red...

I just want to see black and white and a completely bright world

A place where the mystery of emotions is preserved but you don't have to think about anything or a place where, when you want to think about something, your mind won't be disturbed, the best place

A world where no one blames me for condemning love

A world where I am genderless

A realm where I don't dream of the future, where there is no such thing as a future

I am very happy right now!

I don't know, but I get excited about such a place...sometimes

Colors sometimes just seem to create chaos to me

Sometimes very simple and expressionless things:

Red...they sometimes say it's the color of power

I just see violence, aggression, and the desire to crush someone in this color

Blue...they sometimes say it's the color of peace and tranquility

I just see depression, anxiety, and selling the soul for money in this color

Yellow...they sometimes say it's the color of positivity or being energetic

I just...I don't know, I don't feel much

Neither energy nor anything positive in this color

Green...some say it's the color of nature and the golden mean

Sometimes I agree, but mostly I don't feel anything in this color except for an inexplicable disgust

I see a delusion in this color that makes you believe everything has a middle and justice

There are some colors I love and they make me feel very meaningful

Even sometimes when I get tired of black and white, I turn to them

Purple...most people say it's the color of wisdom

I see the color of mystery and the inescapable truth of this realm - for me - the unknowability, and it creates a very impressive motto for me

Brown...most people...I don't know what they say about this color

I see the color of proof that not being special and being ordinary brings the greatest happiness and it makes people create their own reasons and purposes for living without needing any reason for life

A very important thought and feeling for my motto...ordinariness and existentialism

Pink...most people say it's the color of femininity - utter nonsense - and sweetness

But for me, this color is much more special and its meaning is deeper

As I explain this, I smile with a tired expression

You know, when the eyes look sad but the lips take the shape of a smile, like that.

When I see pink, I think of my own life and orientations:

Hiding from people, being able to lie, creating a fake happiness to be happy, trying to give the best to people, and being happy when people are happy, sacrifice, friendship, love, fake tears, and the art of drama...

Like an antidote thrown among the negativities, but actually a color that can be very pessimistic inside, yet still manages to remain positive and full of life.

Just like me.

That's why I love pink so much.

Sometimes I can't find a meaning to live, but it doesn't make me very unhappy.

I never saw being happy as a purpose for living.

Being happy is just a gift

Although I say it's just a gift, it's actually a very big thing for me and most people

Just living and going with the flow...

All the events that happened...

All the traumas and experiences...

Memories captured always in the mind instead of with a camera...

A heart full of spirit, some wounded, some surrounded by a fake wall.

In this heart where I try to condemn love, I live pink to the fullest along with other colors I love.

Sometimes they give me such motivation...sometimes I feel like blending primary colors and almost all other colors together.

A simple and sweet look...

My obsession with sweetness...

A deep scene and dramaturgy...

These colorless buildings, colorless trees, and everything colorless in this black-and-white universe are actually different for me...

The only reason I love this so much is "selfishness" and "the desire to escape"

What do I mean...

I'm selfish because, while there are already colors in the world, sometimes it can be difficult to live the color you want, and when everything is colorless (black or white), I can imagine them in the color I want.

I say I'm selfish because I feel like most people live their lives with existential pains and I feel like they are forced to close their dreams and mottos.

I don't see myself as superior, never.

I'm saying their lives might be like that from my perspective.

I'm selfish because if they can do it, why can't I?

We are all human in the end, but I chose to escape.

I say escape because this realm is only a product of imagination...

Just black and white or the colors I want or a riot of colors

Because I'm so scared and weak...

Because I feel so abstract and fake, this sometimes feels like the only place I can be real

But sometimes this world of people...seems very fun, even if it can be cruel and unhappy

Sometimes it's a place where we can be happy even if it's fake

It's not terrible or ridiculous for me

I accept it.

But still, I want to see this world as my imaginary realm and live my motto with these colors.

The bench I imagine, the table:

Pens, papers, needles, hooks, fabrics, stickers, boxes, hourglass, my pink teddy bear - saying bear is embarrassing - SBVP, white and pink creams, cherries, wooden carvings, and toys...

It feels very nice.

I may seem strange to most people, but that's okay, I think, isn't it?

I may have a colorless world, but I always imagined or searched for my colors in that colorless abyss, even if not in reality.

I never complained about my black-and-white and genderless body.

A skin that looks like metal, an odorless skin, a sweatless mold, and pink eyes...

I love it

This time I'm really happy and I smile as I imagine these

Full of love and colorlessness