Cold Turkey
April 1, 2022
In the shower
First attack in years
Pressing face against tile
Praying to porcelain
Silent scream
Deafening emotion
Water beating
.
.
.
Down
.
.
.
Weaving around
The gentle swells of a small and
Knotted back
Chest heaving, hardly breathing
As I unbar
Air caught, at last
Forehead to basin
Both hands pressing
As if keeping this heart inside,
Like a storm
Pulling at the tethers of a memory
I have welcomed forgetting
Every moment weathered
Because some spiraling hope
A promise of a consistent state of being
Of finally feeling
.
.
.
Together
.
.
.
Without the arsenal of dope
This
Is
Not
Supposed to happen
Here’s the joke:
I have a cabinet full of
CAREFULLY
PRESCRIBED
ANSWERS
To help me believe like any of this
REALLY
FUCKING
MATTERS
For without
I don’t particularly have anything
On which to hold
Except doubt
Do I really need another friend on social?
Another idol? Boy/girlfriend?
Do I need another inspirational book
To tell me how to reach my life goals? (Goals?)
Because honestly
There just aren’t as many bridges to cross,
As there are to burn
Not as much to keep,
As there is to let go
Not as much to gain,
As there is that can be sold
In fact, seems—
Around every fucking turn
Every bend,
Something else to dread
Something else to break your heart with…
Yet another life lesson
LEARNED
Or tragic END
And I need more like-education
Like the world needs another lost cause
Or hole in His hands,
Like we need another self-satisfactory,
Spoken-word benediction (sans action)
Just to be able to sleep again
Why didn’t you leave us in darkness
In fabric laden with Stars
These are
The things that keep me up at night
The things that hold my breath prisoner
My thoughts, in my throat
By knife
And just like that, it’s over
Body unfold.
Gather self.
Stop the pour.
Towel.
Time to go.
Close the door.
Take your pills.
Hang-up self-will.
It’s a new day to chase the dollar bill.
Easy, when you have no more dreams to follow.
And, please, don’t forget to swallow.
J.M.Liles ©️2022