The Hills Are Alive With the Bitching of Shallowgenepool

I must admit that there is a mountain range worth of hills that I am willing to die on. I’m not too sure that there is just one time when a guy/girl/and every variation in between must make a stand. It may seem to be a nonsensical thing to most people, but to me the hills I am willing to spill my blood on, to have my exposed oily entrails leave their stain on, and give my last shuddering breath on are worthy of the sacrifice.  You may call me an idiot and you’d be right, but let it not be said that Shallowgenepool didn’t fight for what he believed in (no matter how ridiculous or pointless it may seem to others)! So, what are these hills that I’m willing to die on, you may or may not ask? (either way I’m going to tell you so you should stop reading here if you don’t want to know) Well, here are just a few ideological summits I am willing to sacrifice myself on:

1. Scrappy Doo ruined the Scooby Doo Mysteries.  I’m guessing that the addition of Scrappy was supposed to add a level of cuteness to the show. It was enough to make me spew my store brand cocoa puffs!  Instead, it annoyed even a 7-year-old Me’s sensibilities thus FUCKING UP MY SATURDAY MORNINGS!

2. Some see the movie, “Titanic” as a tragic romance. They’d be wrong.  Titanic is a multi-faceted allegory demonstrating that:

Giving the ship building contract to the lowest bidder might seem like a cost saving measure, but you get what you pay for. After all, what good is cost cutting when what you pay for ends up at the bottom of the Atlantic!

The rich will always victimize the poor.  The poor go down with the ship while the rich get to cling to floating doors.

Rich people are stupid and wasteful.  The sapphire that is a major plot point in the movie…What happens to it?  The old crone tosses it in the ocean.  That blue rock could’ve been sold and the proceeds used to feed countless starving children, but no, the uppity bint tosses it into the brink for closure!  What a waste!

3. So long as it’s between consenting adults, love is love.  However, I must draw the line at the unholy union that occurred between Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy. It is an afront to puppet Mother Nature! What the fuck was Jim Henson thinking?

4. Call me a music snob if you will, but country music sucks.  The era of country doesn’t matter either. It can be the old Hank Williams/Johnny Cash era, the new era where some inbred, slack-jawed yokel came up with, “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy” exists, or everything in between. At the end of the day, I will always feel that country music is the musical equivalent of the bloody, acidic, explosive diarrhea that exits one’s hemorrhoid-lined sphincter after eating at that taco truck that received a half star rating on Yelp and CDC designation of 100% fatal to all organic life.

5. Women are better than men.  My evidence is legion.  Neurological research has determined that a woman is neurologically capable of simultaneously gathering and examining information, identifying potential problems, and finding new and adaptive solutions to those problems utilizing multiple areas of her brain. Men? Our brains are a bit more simplistic, and by simplistic, I mean archaically limited in ability and adaptability. If it’s a problem not solvable by fucking it, killing it, suppressing its rights, putting bigger tires on it, or eating it, our brains kind of seize up and overheat with the results being like what one would expect to observe after shoving a vibrator set on high into newly poured quick-dry cement. The fact is, men’s brains while functional, lack the same level of neuroplasticity that allows a woman’s brain to multitask at a high level while maintaining an adaptability that a man’s brain just can’t come close to competing with.

6. Mary Ann was waaay hotter than Ginger on Gilligan’s Island.  Sure, Ginger was a sultry bargain-basement Marilyn Monroe, but I bet Mary Ann was all sweet girl on the streets, naughty farmer’s daughter in the sheets!

7. Elvis sucked.  King of Rock and Roll?  He doesn’t even rank high enough to be considered the court jester of rock and roll.  Never wrote a song, stole music, and was guilty of statutory rape.  Okay, I guess he has some qualities similar to that of the British Royal family, so maybe he is royalty of a sort.  Like the British royals, he had a thing for underage girls (see Prince Andrew) and was a talentless hack (exactly what do the royals do for a living exactly other than make money off of tourism and the land they stole from their subjects).

8. John Lennon of Beatles fame was hardly a good poster child for the peace and love movement. He was an abusive, money-grubbing jerk who neglected his first child. Plus, he inflicted Yoko Ono on the world.

9. All this blatherskite about illegal immigration in the U.S is hypocrisy at its most despicable.  Unless you can legitimately claim indigenous heritage, you can’t claim to be here legally.  Why?  No one asked the indigenous people permission to live here. There was no naturalization process or Visa program put in place to manage the influx of pasty white moronic Europeans. The government made and then broke countless treaties with the indigenous peoples that were meant to protect the indigenous peoples right to the land they had lived on for millennia.

If any of these atrocities happened today, the U.S government’s policy of breaking treaties with the indigenous people, placing them on reservations, and intentionally infecting them with smallpox would’ve been condemned by the UN and the U.S would be placed on the same level as North Korea and Iran in terms of human rights. Even worse, the U.S would replace Nazi Germany as being seen as the evilest perpetrator of genocide in human history. As to the spoils of war argument used by some to say that the indigenous people lost a war to the United States and as such lost their land fair and square…Fine.  The next time someone breaks into your home points a gun at you and tells you to leave for good. Remember, your property wasn’t stolen, you lost a very brief, geographically small in scope war.  Those that broke into your home won it from you fair and square.  Legal recourse?  The indigenous people signed legal treaties which protected their land which wasn’t honored, so why do you think you deserve to have your property rights protected by the law exactly? Note to those pasty white FOX news watching types who have their Trump brand classy gold knickers all tied in knots about illegal immigration…Please note that many people entering the U.S from south of the border have legitimate claims to indigenous ancestry and therefore can’t truly be called illegal when their people have been here since before you were. So, maybe they should put all those who never went through a naturalization or Visa process implemented by the original inhabitants of the Americas on a ship and send them back to where they belong.

10. Anyone who takes the opinion of someone who calls themselves, Shallowgenepool too seriously needs to seek out professional help.