Sense of Self Scattered Thoughts

When there's a duality of self, self seems harder to reach. Even harder still when self becomes lost in everyone else.

Once I became a mother and a wife, whoever I was disappeared. I became a title, and expectation, a concept of something I didn't know how to mold myself into.

Why do little pieces of us chip off more and more the more we place on our plate?

Why do I crave freedom and possibility when I finally have comfort and stability?

Am I wired the wrong way? It feels like it sometimes-- most times really.

Other women enjoy being married, having kids, being needed and comforted. I should enjoy that. I should want that. It's what I have so it can't change now.

Focusing on the love for my daughter is the best way to get through.

She is my absolute reason for breath. If I were to leave this world it would break her. I will do everything in my power to stay. But sometimes the invasive thoughts win out and I succumb to the hazy darkness, the part of me more prevalent than the light. Sometimes I believe she and they would be better off without me. But then she smiles and hugs me and calls me mama in the brightest way, like I'm her entire world. I am her entire world, so that's why who I am doesn't quite matter the same way it used to.

I have to help shape who she will be in this unforgiving world

She will be better than me

She will not have to learn how to love because she will know what love is.

She will not go looking for love everywhere else because it will always be found at home

She will be kind but firm and will not let people walk all over her but will not be entitled

She will not wonder if her mother loved her or if she was just a pawn in some scheme

So I guess who I am is her mama and for now that is exactly who I need to be and I need it to be enough.

Because if it's not enough I fear I might leave and break everyone's hearts entirely.