Empty Regrets

The smell of rain fills the upper levels of my tower, another attempt by nature to drag me away from my work and back into the bittersweet waste of time that are my memories, no doubt. The storm has been ongoing for the past three days, providing a welcome distraction at times and an unwelcome one at others. Right now, it is the latter.

The rows and rows of glowing concentric runes that float in front of me, casting pale light against the walls of my study, are constantly collapsing in on themselves as I try in what is probably yet another vain attempt to shepherd the arcane energy into a stable and usable state.

Stable perfection once more eludes me as, once again, the ghosts of the past threaten to upset my otherwise unclouded mind and ruin my volatile work. I sigh, and allow the construct to fade entirely, removing my glasses and attempting to rub the lingering vestiges of the sleep that tries to claim me even now as I do so. I haven’t slept since the storm began. I try not to, sleep that is. They always find me there, and I don’t have the energy anymore to entertain the nightmares they bring. Even if I deserve them.

I set the glasses beside me on a table and walk over to the nearest window. The world without them leaves my vision in an endless cascade of flickering motion as I watch the rain fall upon my home and the overcast community below. Though to be fair, it’s always overcast. I can’t see anything on the streets from here. Whether or not that’s because of my purposeful lack of depth perception, or simply because they are cowering from the storm, I have no idea.

I close my eyes and listen to the rainfall. If it truly insists on taking me back, than I decide to relent. Otherwise, I’ll be useless anyway.

“Elias?” I hear her say. “Are you sure about this?”

I almost retreat immediately. Of all of the memories, it would be this one. It’s always this one. I choke back a sob, as I remember the lies that I told her.

“Of course, Ellie. I would never do anything to put us in danger. Any of us. Especially the child.”

“I…I know. I just can’t but be a little nervous. I mean, this is new territory. For all of us.” She says as she rests her arms on her pregnant belly.

I give her a smile and let out a small, gentle laugh. “That’s what we do best, isn’t it love? Blaze a trail. Trust me.”

I feel the stinging tears pouring down my face, even through the fog of the past. You stupid fucking fool. She never should have gone anywhere near you, much less trusted you.

I try to pull myself free of it all, but now that I’ve started, it’s like trying to pull myself free of rushing rapids by sheer force of will. Pointless. Besides, I still deserve this.

I see myself step past her, igniting the various forms of esoteric arcana as I do, and give life to the thing that destroyed everything that I loved. That, gods fucking help me, I still love. I see the rift begin. My smile is still there but begins to waver ever so slightly as I see fluctuations in it that shouldn’t be happening. The problem is, she sees them too. And I see the fear on her face when I turn around.

“It’s okay. Don’t worry. I have it under control.” I tell her. More pointless lies to fill the final moments of our existence together. You arrogant prick.

I spew out endless placations and false promises, as I attempt to right the situation. But everything I do seems to upset the rift even more. And then it happens. The rift widens and the sound of innumerable screams assaults my ears, and I stagger to the ground, as untold nightmares crawl forth from an unending abyss of darkness and malice. Then I feel sharp claws rake across the side of head, and everything becomes black as a winter’s night. By the time I come to, and have the cognizance to examine my surroundings, I start to realize the truth. The rift is closed, but everything is wrong. Feels wrong.

I throw myself to my feet. “ELLIE!?” I scream her name, over and over. But she doesn’t answer. It doesn’t take long to find her. She didn’t even have a chance to make it very far. I collapse on the ground, trying to hold back the urge to vomit. There’s hardly anything left that I recognize. Except the locket I gave her the day after we were married.

Some part of me, even through the wailing and self-hatred, recognizes the absence of our unborn child. They took it out of her. It takes everything I have not to picture what they could’ve done with it.

I open my eyes, unable to hold on anymore through the sobs that wrack my body.

“Do you ever think that maybe there’s a reason that we are confined to one world? Maybe we shouldn’t play in the sandbox of the gods. Especially without an invitation.” Her words still carry through to me, through the barriers I put up to block it all out. I should have listened then.

Something catches my eye on the streets below, even through the rain and my imperfect vision. I see one of them venturing forth from its hive beneath the city. I grind my teeth and clench my fists so hard that my nails dig into my palms, and I actually hear the sounds of dripping blood pattering against the wooden floor, a singular note added to the symphony of endless rain assaulting what is left of the world I knew.

I watch it, but only for a moment, as it quickly retreats back into the nearest building. For some reason they don’t like the rain, and I can only keep it going when I’m awake. I may have condemned the world to death and destruction, but this is still my city. The weather system I devised included. I turn away from the window and stride with purpose back to the desk. I place my glasses back where they belong, and I begin again.

Someday, somehow, I will find a way to fix the world that I’ve broken. Even if it costs me my life. After all, that’s the only thing that I have left. And I will gladly give it up.