Dear God, Zeus, Odin, Luna, Athena, Horus, Osiris, et All

Dear Big Guy(s) or Big Girl(s) or Big Guy(s) and Girl(s) in the sky,

This letter is to inform you that your services are no longer required or desired. Of course, it isn't easy to end this love-hate-wipe out entire populations because you get your celestial knickers tied in a knot relationship that has spanned millennia, but we both want different things and we've been going in different directions for quite a while now. WelI, can't say it's been fun, in fact, it's been downright dangerous to be involved in this relationship with you, but it's time for us to cut our losses and say, "Goodbye." For the record, it's not us, it's YOU that's the problem!

Now, before you start whining about what you'll do without us, let me just say that you haven't been truly invested in a healthy, loving relationship, in well...ever. You don't communicate, you're moody and prone to extreme violence, you're neglectful in your responsibilities, and you've allowed country music to exist. Don't believe me? Well here's some things that've led to this breakup.

1. You don't communicate clearly. How can we know what you want unless you take the time to tell us. Oh, and talking bushes, the Virgin Mary's image in a piece of toast, and the books that are supposedly your word don't count as effective communication! You haven't used the burning bush thing since the Bronze Age and even then, it was only seen by one guy! The image of the Virgin Mary in a piece of toast, stigmata, and crying statues aren't a big deal. I once had a fried potato skin that looked like Mount Rushmore. It doesn't mean that Abe Lincoln is trying to send me a message about how he doesn't like how his birthday is used an excuse to sell Toyotas at, "Prices that'll assassinate the factory MSRP." The holy books? Well, first they read like stereo instructions. Second, books can be manipulated and changed to coincide with the whims of those in power. So, it's only logical that the King James translation of the bible is very monarch/keeping the elite in power friendly. There's no way to insure that we're getting the real low down on God's will. Ya Dig?

2. Your moody and violent when angry. Floods that wipe out all creation, fire and brimstone that destroys cities, and back to back hurricanes show that you're not exactly even handed. I mean, what's up with Florida and the back to back hurricanes? Does the South owe you money or something? Look, I'm no fan of the states where it was once okay for people to own people, but picking on Florida? Florida is the state equivalent of that kid that got dropped on his head repeatedly as a newborn. Give our country's limp phallus a break. Picking on someone too intellectually impaired to fight back is just plain mean.

3. You're a deadbeat parent. Look, I get it that us mortal adults do bad stuff so we deserve what we get. The wage of sin is death and all that. BUT CHILDREN? It makes ZERO sense that a 2 year old has to fight cancer or dies needlessly in a war. What great sin can a 2 old commit that is deserving of death by cancer or a bomb? These deaths are pointless. If you are indeed omnipotent and omniscient, fix it! Oh, don't give me that, "We mortals suffer so that we can learn to be better people b.s." If you are creator of the universe then you created a faulty product. Punishing children so that their faulty parents learn a lesson is totally denying responsibility for the faulty product YOU created and needlessly making innocents suffer. Besides, if you know everything, why allow faulty mortals to leave the factory to begin with? I mean, Ford didn't intentionally design the Pinto to explode when rear ended. If they knew that would happen before the car hit the sales lot they would've changed the design so that the issue was fixed, right?

So, humanity is slowly breaking up with you, God(s). Churches are hemorrhaging members who figure out that their worth can only be found in the collection plate and that the lessons they're being taught from the pulpit run contrary to the values and actions of presidential candidate the pastor is demanding that they vote for. The Old Testament sadism that led to the wholesale slaughter of (if it to be believed) the entire human race minus an incestuous family on a boat is being seen for what it is. Finally, humanity has started to figure out that no amount of wisdom to be gained is worth the death of children who're too young to even say, "Sin" let alone commit such an act.

I'd like to say it's we're sorry to end this, but after enduring centuries of genocide, slavery, war, rapine, and cruelty, I can't. Your suitcase is packed and the Uber has been called. We wish you luck, but please stay out of the business of creating sentient beings because you're not very good at it.