Rage is a killer
Rage, I had written about it a lot, but I never truly understood how powerful it could be. How much of a motivator it would be to do something I never thought I would do. I never could have imaged that it would give me the strength to kill my brother.
We were in the kitchen, he was looking around for something to eat and I was doing the same. School had just gotten out so, it was only me and him home. That's when he started his little speal about how horrible I am, and all over the fact that I took the last bag of popcorn.
"This is why no one likes you, you fat pig!" He screeched. I ignored him or at least was pretending like it. His words had always cut deep, but if I showed or said that to him he would eat me alive like a tiger. "God, you're so annoying. I don't see what your boyfriend sees in you. You're just a gold digger who is in a loveless relationship. Your such a puppet I bet you don't even really love him." That was my breaking point.
I had already heard this crap but, for some reason today it broke me. "Why can't you just let me be happy for once in my sad and pathetic life?" I asked. I could feel the tears starting to build up.
"Why can't you just go away?!" He started to yell. He reminded me so much of our father. He had his voice, his look, his anger.
He continued to yell such horrid things and the more he spoke the more my thoughts went dark. All I could think about was stabbing him and kicking him and taking a gun and shooting him. Then I did. I was so filled with an almighty rage that I took a knife and pointed it at him. "Ha, you think you're going to stab me, you won't you pussy," he mocked.
I started laughing at the thought of backing down and him getting his way, again. Not this time. "I hate you! You've done nothing but be an asshole to me since forever, and I'm done with your bullshit!" I screamed at him anger riding with my words. That's when it happened, I stabbed him in his stomach. He looked down at his belly and seemed shocked, and afraid.
"I'm...." He started choking on his own blood. I watched as he fell to his knees. Then he fell onto his face. His chest stopped moving, and his face became dull. I looked down at him. He looked so pitiful. He looked agonizing.
I sat on the floor of that kitchen for a while before I realized what I had done. I was in so much shock that I couldn't even process it. "What have I done?" I whimpered. I wanted to cry, or better yet join him. I couldn't not yet. I decided he deserved it for ever bad thing he has done or said.
"I have to hid the body," I told myself. I called up a friend who I knew wouldn't ask questions. I put him into a bag and got into my friend's car.
"So, where to?" They asked.
"The woods" I replied looking back at the bag.
When we reached the woods I was ready. I knew how I wanted to say goodbye. I brought his body to an off trail that often times had coyotes. They would eat the body and it would look like that's how he died, hopefully. That's if anyone finds him. I dropped the bag down and moved his body to sit up at a tree. I bent down on one knee and said, "I'm sorry it had to turn out this way. Please forgive me. I never wanted to hurt you, but you made it so hard to control myself. Goodbye brother, I'll see you in the next life." I walked back to my friend's car and went home.
They assumed him missing and then dead when he didn't show up after a month. My mom changed, became a shell of herself. I feel bad for her. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if she found out the truth. Would she hate me? I got put back into therapy. My mother noticed a change in my personality. I've become darker, more distance, but that's because of what I've done. She thinks it's because I'm grieving. I still see my brother, he shows up in my dreams. Sometimes he just shows up, whispering something under his breath. I think it's my conciseness trying to make me feel guilty for what I did to him.
I am guilty but it was his fault, too. He should have never been the way our father was. He should have changed, but he didn't so, he got stabbed.