Burning and burned

Burned, burning, lost, depressed, now empty. Yes, empty. Yes lost and depressed and increasingly sorrowful of the life I left behind to cater to the wants and needs of you and your society. The tears that fall in silence, YOUR silence of nothing, absolutely nothing. And thoughts playing out like a crazy person, or a drunk one. He leaves with somehow more sound left behind then what he usually brings into a room. The definition of deafening silence. He tells me everything it is to be a woman here, with defenses comes emptiness, and with love comes abandonment. Calling brings fear, crying brings shame. Does being a woman truly mean being a slave to demands? If I were to fall victim to myself and my selfish needs, could I find happiness or would I still feel lonely.

His heart is warm for his passions, not me. His flesh is warmed by his society and talk, not of knowledgeable conversation or debates. My soul is crushed under gender expectations in an undeveloped rural area.

And when he decides to come back from his ventures, his interests, do I even wish to speak to him? No, I'd rather stand still and unmoving. The fight is lost when no one can win. My heart aches when I'm alone and becomes an unmoving boulder when he is near. I wait expectantly for the next betrayal and wish for quiet. I wish for more, and I wish for less.

I wish for peace, loneliness, quiet, understanding. I wish for nothing more than myself.