Sometimes I think of dying

Sometimes I think of dying. And how people would react to it. I think about the last minute and wonder if I'll know it's it. Will people be more inconvenienced than sad? Will my pain linger in them a while? How long will my memory have. . . Will I be gone in a year? Two? Have I done anything that will last? Is my curiosity about after a symptom of my now or my before? Am I already in my after and have not accepted it yet? In my deepest heart. The heart i set for only me. I'm good, I deserve happiness and I deserve the years I live. But is that truthful? Is that a life that is only alive where only I can see. .. I been thinking about dying. I think there will be more love expressed for me for just a day than has been my whole life. Sometimes I'm eager to feel it. But will I? I been thinking about dying..