re: your job resume

I was scrolling through old prose and had to repost. I loved this challenge when it came out! The objective was to write a response to a failed resume.

Dear sir or madam,

We have not found your written resume to match the criteria for the job in question.

Regarding the 'useful skills' section, we found your answers to be relatively inappropriate. Unfortunately, the company does not consider "farting the alphabet without defecating", "reaching level 265 on candy crush", or "keeping it real" to be useful skills. Furthermore, we do not believe that anything you presented will be a useful tool for your potential job as a phone receptionist.

In the 'past experiences' section, you presented a confusing set of answers that again showed us little promise that you are a fit for this job. Your answers, "tightroping the Grand Canyon without tightroping or going to the Grand Canyon", "attempting to ride a unicycle while juggling wet teabags", and "being a substitute triangle player for a garage band" did not show us that you have had any experience in a similar job position, or the right experiences to aid you in learning this one.

In the 'relations' section, we feel that you may have misinterpreted what was being asked. This part of the resume aims to assess the applicant's ability to effectively contribute to a positive environment in the workplace. Instead, you presented a long and confusing story about how you once fought your mom to save a spider she was going to kill, and instead placed the spider outside. The story ends with your confusion after not receiving a Christmas card from the spider because you "gave bro a second chance" and "thought he was a real one". Unfortunately, this fails to positively represent your skill at working with others.

We hope you understand our reasoning, and wish you luck in the future.