Exhaustion

Maybe I’m not hard enough on you kids. There are definitely times when I feel like I should be, but I’m often just too tired. I know that sounds like a bad excuse, but it’s the truth.

I don’t want either of you to grow up entitled or complaining about everything and everyone. I want you to grow up level-headed, kind, and not, well… little shitheads.

I hope your mom and I are leading by example because, for the most part, that’s how I was raised. Every once in a while, my dad had to chew me out. Sure, it was frightening when he did, but it wasn’t often. He didn’t keep me or your uncle on a short leash or a choke chain.

We watched him. We watched our mother. And they were good people. They worked hard. They helped each other with chores and really split things down the middle—something your mom and I do, too.

I just want you both to take the good from us and carry it forward.

I’ve had a few screaming matches with you—especially you, Lukas—and I’m not convinced they’ve done much good. I can freak out, drag you up to your room, and hear you scream that you hate me. But does anything positive come out of that interaction? I honestly don’t know.

Maybe it’s a selfish thing, too. I’ve had this conversation with your mom so many times. We talk about discipline, and I say, “I’m just tired.” I don’t want to use what little energy I have left on yelling. But I know that’s not a reason not to discipline, either.

I try endlessly to look at things from your point of view. To understand that you’re a kid, growing up, and still learning how to manage those big feelings that well up inside you.

I want you to talk to me. Tell me why something that seems small to me feels so big to you.

I’m trying not to scare you with screaming. I’m trying to understand you.

But here’s the selfish part: I’m tired. Exhausted. Most days, I just don’t have the energy to fight.

So, I try to listen. To meet you where you’re at. I hope that’s enough.