Eureka! A cure for heroism

I'm only trying to help, you see.

You're suffering from a terrible delusion, my dear, but don't you worry—I can cure you. You've fought so hard; yes, I can see it in your eyes, you have the heart of a hero. A hero. Ha! Heroism is a sickness. What sane person would sacrifice themself for someone else? Self-preservation is natural law, naturally, obviously. You've dedicated your life to helping others, how noble of you! But don't worry, I'll have you cured in no time. Nobility is a symptom, but it'll go away once I treat you. I'll treat you right, alright? Courage and bravery are symptoms too. They're real problems, let me tell you. You see, courage and bravery are just poorly-imagined aliases for stupidity. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

What's that? You don't believe me? That's another symptom, dear. Optimism is an awfully stupid facet of the human psyche. You'll only be disappointed. People will only let you down. Nothing is ever as good as it could be. Satisfaction is nonexistent. Your "optimism" is just a recipe for sorrow. And your idealism? That's even worse! You're so focused on bringing about some hypothetical utopian "better future" that you're missing out on the real present. Stupid, stupid.

Now, to be fair, I used to be just like you. Can you believe it? I too was once blinded by idealistic optimism, optimistic idealism, and everything in between. But then I learned. That's the difference between you and me. You haven't learned yet. But I can help you. I will help you. I'll be your hero, darling. I'll bet you like that, don't you? Deep down, I'll bet you're tired of being the big strong hero. It's tiring, all that thinking about other people. It's draining. It gets old. But you know that already. Don't you?

Aw, it's almost cute when you try to pretend you don't agree. You still believe in "human potential?" I'll tell you what human potential is. It's rotten, icky stuff. Sure we've got potential. Potential to be bad, to do bad. Sometimes someone does something "good," but really, what's the point of that? They're sick, silly. Just like you're sick. But I can help you! I can help you see.

How? How am I going to help you? Well, isn't it fun to have it be a surprise? No? Ah, well, I suppose if I were you I wouldn't want any more surprises either. You seemed pretty surprised when I defeated you. And the thing is, it wasn't even difficult! You're pathetic. The mighty hero, fallen so quickly. You're no better than anyone else. You're certainly not better than me. That's why I'm trying to help you, don't you understand? I'm doing this for your own good.

Sure, you might be a little different after this. Changed. I'm still experimenting with this stuff—the final recipe isn't perfected yet. Really, you're helping me. You're my little test mouse, my dear. I've tested this on a few others, and the results are really quite promising. Optimism gone, idealism gone. Trust in humanity? Gone. Self-sacrificing tendencies? Gone, very gone. Heroism? Ha! Gone, gone, gone. You'll have to find a new profession afterward. You'll be moving up in the world! Nothing's worse than being a fool. You think cruelty and hatred are great sins? Well, stupidity and ignorance are greater by far. See, the truth is good. And then it all follows from that, logically, naturally. And being a hero? Stupid. So really, you should be thanking me. You're going to owe me.

No, no—settle down! I'm doing this to help you. I'm doing this to help everyone. The world would be better without all this stupid "love for fellow humans." Once I get this right, once I get the mixture perfected, then everything is going to change. I'm going to change everything. I'm going to save everything. You know, I guess I'm a little bit of a hero myself! Isn't that ironic? Oh yes, the irony is just killing me. Killing, killing, hopefully this won't kill you—we've had a few unfortunate setbacks. But I think I've gotten it right this time. But we'll see, we'll see. It's almost time now, I think. I've been talking for long enough.

No, no—don't you get it? You're not going anywhere. You can't change anything. You're going to be cured of your foolish, ignorant, heroism whether you like it or not. Heroes are always the same. And the ending is the same every time. Maybe you'll have a different ending, maybe you'll be a new type of hero, a better type of hero.

Now, hold on. This might be a bit painful. But I'm only trying to help, you see.

I'm only trying to help you see.