War HUH GOOD GOD Y’ALL

As a species, we humans have been trying to wipe each other off the face of the planet in one war or another since the first one of us picked up a rock in anger and threw it at a rival hunter-gatherer group. Though historically, war has become the go to solution for groups of people to address their need for resources, a means to expand their religious ideology, and conflict resolution, war rarely if almost never achieves the desired result. In fact, waging war usually breeds yet more wars. So, why do we continue to think that the mass murder of our fellow hairless monkeys will solve anything? It's actually simple. We don't value human life as much as we value power and wealth, we're too arrogant to ever think that we might actually be wrong, and we're too lazy to seek out mutually beneficial solutions most of the time. So let's wander down the land-mine filled fuckery that is humanities obsession with self-extermination.

Resources

The first human conflicts were almost certainly a result of the competition for limited resources. War was waged as a matter of survival and was often both violent and brief.

For example, if your prehistoric hunter-gather group, the Ugs has a cave with a beautiful view of the surrounding land. There's a nearby source of fresh water for drinking and bathing. The cave is on the migration route of the animals you hunt making your work commute easier. Plus, it's located in a good cave paining school district near convenient nut and berry shopping, then you're probably the envy of the neighborhood

Now, let's say that another nearby hunter-gather group, the Sugs, isn't quite so lucky. Their cave only offers a view and scent of the spot in the valley that wooly mammoths use as their communal latrine. To get to any good hunting the Sugs have to cross the territory of the local cave bears and saber toothed cats who see you hairless monkeys types as a delicacy. Then, instead of being in a good school district with easy access to berry and nut shopping the Sugs have to avoid wooly rhino, giant ground sloth droppings, while navigating tar pits to get to anywhere.

Well, the more unfortunate Sug tribe may just decide to become upwardly mobile and take the cave and territory of their Ug neighbors. Oh, the Sugs could try to join the more prosperous Ugs, but that would mean they'd have to share the cost of COA (Cave Owner Association) fees, help with the upkeep of the fire, and worst of all, possibly marry into the Ugs. This won't do at all because these less fortunate Sugs have a long tradition of keeping the breeding in the family. Chief Three Arms of the Sugs (who happens to also be your grandpa and your dad) won't abide abandoning the inbreeding tradition that has been passed down from dad/uncle to cousin/son, to sister/wife for generations. Of course, the more prosperous Ug tribe may not want to add to it's population and feel that the Sugs would drive down property values. So, with no acceptable peaceful agreement between the tribes available, war is waged. Spears are thrown, heads get bashed, and to the victor goes the spoils.

Fast forward twelve thousand years and we once again see groups fighting over the perceived scarcity of resources and the desire to protect one's own resources. Russia invaded Ukraine because Ukraine was getting cozy with the idea of Western European democracy and becoming more prosperous (getting more stuff for itself). So, in order to take Ukraine's stuff and protect it's own stuff, Russia rudely invaded and started to drop bombs on people. Of course, Ukraine doesn't appreciate ordinance being dropped on it's schools, churches, and Starbucks, so it retaliates. As of now, the outcome of this war is undecided, but the rest of the world is watching and will likely be less inclined to deal with the Russian bullies, thus opening the door for future conflict.

Religion

Hairless monkeys tend to be a devout bunch and as such want to impress their chosen deity(ies). Well, what better way to stay on your god(s) good side and avoid a good smiting with the fire and brimstone, or the flooding, soggy clothes and drowning of everyone than to bring in new worshipers? Inspired to spread the good news and commandments that their god(s) offer, the devout (we'll call them group Alpha) go to other people and nations (lets call them group Beta) to expound the benefits of worshiping their god(s).

Now, unfortunately for Alpha, Beta might've already tied their faith to different god(s) and feel that switching things up would be kinda rude to their old god. So, Beta politely refuse to switch teams and in turn, share their own god(s) good news and views of what us hairless monkeys need to do with ourselves with the Alphas. Fearing for the immortal souls of the others, both the Alphas and Betas take increasingly aggressive and violent measures to save the souls of those they see as misguided wayward heathens. Ultimately, both the Alphas and Betas decide that the other side's views are against their own god(s) and things get really bloody what with the sword hacking, poking with the sharp pointy spears, and the running each other over with horses and all. Let it be noted that neither the Alphas or the Betas can prove that what they believe or what they're doing is what their chosen god would want. In fact, the one thing the Alpha and Beta's gods seem to have in common is that their chosen divine beings enjoy giving vague instructions and then clamming the fuck up forever afterwards. So, both sides righteously seek to wipe the other off the planet in the name of their deity's benevolent love. Side note: the fact that the Alpha and Beta's have noticed that their enemy has some pretty cool stuff that their god wants them to have is an extra incentive to keep fighting.

Fast forward to the 21st Century and this religious warfare continues. Look no further than Israel and Palestine. In an effort to do their god's will (oh it's the same god, he just goes by a different name) they both want to control what they see as holy land. So, both sides launch rockets at each other bomb hospitals and school buses all in the name of their god. This violence has been going on for decades now on and off. Sadly the only thing either side has in common is a dislike for pork. One could ask why god would want two flavors of his worshippers to kill each other over the, "Land of Milk and Honey" while their children on both sides get to practice being cannon fodder instead of practicing soccer. Well one could ask, but he's not answering. Both sides of the conflict claim to be in the right and have God's favor. If you ask me, if you are putting innocent children in harm's way for a patch of dirt and the favor of a God who doesn't return phone calls, you're both wrong.

Fun fact: Worshipping the same god means that Jews and Muslims have holidays around the same time. December is no different. In fact, what is a common thing on the holiday wish list for both Muslim kiddos in Palestine and Jewish kids in Israel this season is Lego's new line of "Build Your Own Bomb Shelter" kits.

Miscellaneous Conflict Resolution Carried Out By Way of War

War is waged for so many reasons that volumes have been written about its many incarnations, but I am lazy, and not at all ambitious. So, in parting here are some other reasons/instances where wars have been fought:

The Sexual Revolution and/or The Battle of the Sexes: The winner here is to be determined

The Cola Wars: Pepsi versus Coke. The war has been nonviolent to this point, but with the recent discovery of the reaction Mint Mentos plus Diet Coke chemical warfare may be around the corner

The song, War

by Edwin Star

War, huh, yeah

What is it good for?

Absolutely nothing, uhh

War, huh, yeah

What is it good for?

Absolutely nothing

Say it again, y'all

The band War

Known for, "Lowrider" and "Cisco Kid"

The Fast Food Wars

This is a war being fought on many fronts. The combatants to name a few

McDonalds-With billions and billions served, McDonalds has the strategic edge over its enemies.

The only monarchy in the war, Burger King

Taco Bell-Which was recently convicted by the UN of crimes against toilet bowls and innocent sphincters

Arby's-The only terrorist group recognized by the ASPCA because wherever you find an Arby's cats and dogs disappear under mysterious circumstances

KFC-a military dictatorship ruled by one Colonel Sanders