Do You Hear What I Hear?

*I’ll apologize in advance if any references in this gift request plants a festive earworm in your head. But, like the motto underneath my family crest states: Si nos miseri erimus, ceteri quoque erunt.*

All I want for Christmas is to get “All I Want for Christmas” banished from my skull. I don’t think Ms. Carey’s annual ditty is a bad song per se. Many people enjoy listening to it while getting into the holiday spirit. It’s perfect background noise for wrapping presents or decorating the home. Since October 29th,1994, it has successfully targeted a specific niche from Thanksgiving to December 26th. I can’t dismiss its popularity. Kudos to its longevity.

But much to my chagrin, it dominates the seasonal soundtrack of my life. My limited mental capacity can’t, hasn’t or won’t commit all the lyrics to memory. And I don’t have the intellectual fortitude to prevent the fragments I can recall from replaying over and over ad nauseum. So, I am powerless to stop it from being the only partial song (holiday or otherwise) aired on heavy rotation from my mind’s DJ booth. I can’t ignore it either.

So, what I want to find under my Christmas tree is the cessation of being auditorily waterboarded by portions of this tune. Granting release from such Yuletide torture is a priceless gift that keeps on giving. I’ll be forever indebted if Santa leaves this for me.

Now, I am a fervent believer in the concept of “careful what you wish for.” I accept that when random lines from the Queen of Christmas’ jingle spontaneously surface, monopolizing the Muzak playlist echoing through the empty halls of my addled brain, it means there’s no possible way “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” or “Dominick the Donkey” will be able to gain purchase in my noggin.

It’s a victory, albeit a hollow one. I understand a blessing is a blessing even if said blessing is an incessant, lesser-of-three-evils one that can drive a man to the breaking point where he purposely doesn’t hang the stockings by the chimney with care. Still, a bit of variety or say in what I hear would be welcomed.

Psychological intervention may be necessary to discover why I can’t cue up something more appealing from my personal, archived mixtape. There are many suitable alternative carols with beautiful melodies I would cherish listening to internally. Like “Carol of the Bell.” Or “Silver Bells.” Both bring me auricular pleasure, but neither can loosen Mariah’s stranglehold and they stay muted. (At this juncture, I’d even settle for “Hells Bells” on continuous loop it if meant Mimi gets a break to rest her vocal cords.)

Thankfully, 2025 will be here soon which means “AIWFC” will have run its course and be shelved for eleven months. This gives me hope knowing that in a few days, there will be no cueing up of uninvited music that will keep playing.

To those reading this, I’ll end by extending a heartfelt “Merry Christmas.” If you don’t celebrate Christmas, then I’ll bid you a sincere “Happy Hanukkah.” For the non-religious in attendance, I’ll offer a generalized, “Happy Holidays.” For the remaining who don’t celebrate anything, I’ll conclude with a simple, “Be well and look both ways before crossing the street.”