My Struggles With Being a T

I have read that the T in LGBT is not silent, but sometimes I wonder if it even belongs there in the first place.

The last year I played soccer was eighth grade. That year is also known as the last year of co-ed sports and the year when my life took a sharp turn down minority road.

I do not feel physically, emotionally, or mentally comfortable with playing on the guys' team and obviously I couldn't even dream of playing on the girls' team. In gym I enjoyed volleyball, but that is also not an option because A) there's no boys' team and B) even if there was, it's a boys' team.

So, cue color guard. I am the only "boy" on the team, so naturally I stick out like a sore thumb. Especially when everyone else is in sparkly dresses (of which I am forever envious) and I'm in black pants. I also have to deal with the "girls, and Shalen, …" comments from the instructor and the slightly disapproving look in everyone's eyes when I have to tell them I'm in color guard. On top of all of that, when the team has "guard sleepovers," I'm not allowed to participate in the "sleepover" part because somehow one "guy" with twelve other girls is still somehow a threat.

I say I'm on the team but I'm also kind of… not.

Some days I wonder if I'll ever be able to get on hormones and start my life, but then I remember how I can't even get a haircut without having a breakdown from thinking about what other people will feel about it.

I think about how if I ever did choose to present myself as female my chances of being murdered or being on the receiving end of a hate crime would spike ten fold.

(Speaking of which, did you know Republicans in government positions actually voted against a law that would add attacks against transgender individuals under the list of hate crimes?)

I think about how I could be denied jobs and housing and using a bathroom.

I think about how I have such little chance of being happy.

I would love to say that the life I want to live is just out of reach, but really it's galaxies away and the rocket hasn't even been invented yet.

But on those days, when my dreams are just constellations in the endless expanse of space, I remind myself that we all breathe the same air, bleed the same blood, and that we all deserve to be happy.

And just because my T is silent now, does not mean it will be silent forever. It is only a matter of time before I find my voice and sound that dreaded, silent letter.