Just the Tip
“Hey folks, thanks for coming out tonight. This turnout is incredible. Yes, ma’am I love you too. I love me some Seattle anytime... Well, not all of Seattle but certainly you, your rack, and maybe you too, Sir…
No, I love you all. I love people, believe it or not. I know as a comedian that’s not usually the case. ‘Jekyll and Hyde’ could be the title to all our autobiographies, but I’m fifty now. So…I’ve paid my dues. And I’m gonna start loving people, enjoying things. Doing all that middle-aged stuff like retiring, reflecting, getting the squirts…
You know, I’ve been in this business for thirty-five years, can you believe it? Thirty-five years. To some of you miniskirts, that’s how long ago Jesus lived. To the rest of you calculator apps, it means I started at fifteen. Yes, I see you, fucker. Turn that shit off. I’m talking here! I know you need to know the math but like I said, I’ve been in this business for THIRTY-FIVE YEARS so I know just to TELL you the numbers!
So drink your beer, enjoy the show, and be stupid.
Geez.
Stupid people are the best. Really are. I love them. I love only them. I should’ve made that clear when I said I love people. Nope. Just the stupid ones. That’s why I said I love you all.
No, I'd never associate you guys with stupid. Dirty, maybe. And weird Just a bunch of intelligent weirdoes dressed as dirty hobos. Who are drunk. But I appreciate it. I appreciate the inebriation. It makes my job easier. I don’t get insulted anymore because I know I’m never gonna get any funnier than I am now. When I was fifteen, and twenty years old, I used to get really upset when people would get drunk at my shows. They wouldn’t heckle me or anything. I don’t think I ever got heckled because I was so bad, they probably thought I was the intermission, some wannabe emo-snot attempting slam poetry. I’d do bits about my dick and how I used to call it Harry Potter because it wasn’t until something big and hairy called it a wizard that life became infinity better. Yes, I know, bad. Really bad. I would never infer that Hagrid could possibly represent J.K. Rowling’s vagina.
Strangely enough, I was a virgin at that time.
That time when I was making terrible jokes because I was trying it out. Testing to see if the funniness I thought of mysef was really just that—that we were hilarious. That we could be comedians. Every comedian remembers that first laugh, the “bug” as they call it. And rightfully so. Calling it a “bug”, I mean, because it’s a fucking parasite. It burrows in you and takes over and no matter how many drugs you do and how many pussies you lie about pounding, you can’t get rid of it. And you come to a point when you have to see, you have to try and get your stuff out there, even if it fails the first thousand times, because the parasite has taken over so much of you, you’re no longer scared. And that’s when you become who you’re supposed to be, do what you’re supposed to do. For some it’s being an actor, or a writer. For others, it’s something useful like a scientist or Victoria Secret’s model. For me, clearly it was this. And it took thirty-five years and I’m in balls-deep. No longer just the tip. And I still hate people, but that’s okay because I get to hand out gems like, ‘Hagrid represents J.K. Rowling’s vagina.’ so fuck it. Try getting that out of your head."