Unplanned Renewal

I wanted to wake up really early and I freaking *hate* alarm clocks. I understand why they can't play a soothing ocean breeze sound but do they really have to blare like a World War II air raid siren? 

Anyway I wanted to wake up early for two reasons. [1] I needed to get back to the lab to check my hybridized amanita fuliginea hongo cultures by 8:00am (that's the deadly east Asian brown death cap fungus by-the-way) and [2] I wanted to watch the rugby game which of course was on at like 5:30am here in the states.

So I had read somewhere that the American Indians, Apache I think, used to drink tons of water before they went to sleep so their own bodies would wake them up for pre-dawn raids. Well I either read it or saw it on the Simpsons, I don't remember...

Well either way damn did it work well. It was just after 5:00am and not only was I up-and-at-'em but about to burst. I realized pretty quickly that 5:00am also meant it was still pitch black dark both in and out of my bedroom. Jumping out of bed I had this odd thought that I felt more "bouncy" than usual, but what the hell did that even mean anyway? There was no time to waste even thinking about it or fumbling for the lights as I bolted clumsily into the adjoining bathroom, flipped up the seat and plopped down. Yeah that's right, I sat down to pee. When ya gotta go like that why try to aim it, especially in the dark.

I was shocked that it "didn't happen" right away - I sat there in pain for a few seconds completely still in the wonderment of "non-action." I think I had even bit my lip and held my breath in anticipation. I mean seriously I had to go so bad I think my organs actually hurt.

Just as I had reached down to give myself a little wiggle to see if that would help, it happened... the flood gates opened and I sat there for an entire minute, eyes half-open, mouth hanging-a-bit.

It was glorious.

As I sat there finishing up, something just didn't feel right. Then I realized I wasn't actually feeling the liquid exiting the length of Mr Happy. It is a strange thought now but by my calculations by the age of 40 I must have pee'd somewhere around 43,800 times and yet I had never felt this before, or I should say the lack of a feeling before. It is like when something is there you never notice it, but the second it was gone you mentally recognize the absence.

But something else felt odd, not only with my wing-dang-doodle but my chest felt very heavy.

As I was just about done I sat up in a straight posture and could sense that the "love monkey" t-shirt I wore to sleep was extra tight. It seemed as if an extra weight was on my chest, as if I was carrying something, well carrying two somethings actually.

In shock I jumped up, my hand automatically flipping the bathroom lights on. The immediate drastic change in illumination forced me to squint through my extra long lashes.

Extra long lashes?!

Holy Thong Bikinis I'm a chick!?

It was as if I was seeing myself for the first time in a mirror, almost scared by the moving image. At first I thought it was someone else but the person standing in front of me had all of my normal male features but morphed female. Even the little things were immediately noticeable like the little scar on my left eyebrow. And *WoW* I kinda had big bonkers!

How did this happen? Was it related to the alien abduction dreams I've been having, or my career in fungus, or the food additive experiments I've been partaking in?!?

Laughing a little I looked back at the mirror smiling an oddly pretty smile realizing not only did I lose about 10 years but I was HOT! Holy crap I'm a *HOT* chick!

But wait does that mean I have an opinion on being called a Chick now? I didn't think so. What about social issues, celebrity gossip and fashion? Or what about my love of International Sports, Meat and Comic Books? Thinking wildly... Nope everything was the same as before - that's good.

What the hell am I going to tell my girlfriend? Do I still like chicks?!

I thought about that for exactly 1 second; I did. Oh thank god...

Frantically digging through my closet for something 'big' that would cover up my new 'parts' all I could think about was how even though I'm going to miss my doodler this could be fun.

As I ran out of my apartment, slammed the door behind me and jogged to my car I seemed to only have two concerns. [1] I really hoped Sara was going to have an open mind about all this and [2] damn was it hard to run with these things unholstered.