A Villain’s Guide to Scrambled Eggs

Brought to you by Genuinely Evil Inc.

Written By Toxic Cloud, C.E.O. of Genuinely Evil Inc.

As any reasonable villain knows, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. How is a self-respecting villain supposed to start a day of evil-masterminding and plotting on an empty stomach? And if you want breakfast, there’s nothing better than scrambled eggs to get into the spirit of destruction and dream crushing, and it only requires a few simple things.

Ingredients

-Eggs, preferably laid by our very own Pure Evil© Chickens, here at Genuinely Evil Inc.

-Milk, which can also be bought from our livestock here at Genuinely Evil Inc. There’s no better place to get milk then from our all natural, farm raised, bred-to-torture, Pure Evil© Cows.

-Salt, available from your local Genuinely Evil Marketplace. Harvested from top secret salt flats in TEXT CENSORED.

-Pepper, available wherever distinctly evil villain food is sold.

-Butter, this can be substituted for All-Evil, All-Natural, Cooking spray. This cooking spray doubles as acid, useful if a hero comes bursting in during your relaxing breakfast.

Recipe

1.Crack the eggs into a bowl. Remember that you’re destroying any far-fetched dreams they may have to be real chickens, so get as much joy out of it as you can. This is a great opportunity to start your day right, with a bit of evil entertainment and destructive joy.

2.Drown the eggs in milk (DROWN THEM!) and crumble salt and pepper into whichever bowl you have chosen to make the scrambled eggs in. We prefer the Evilmeister© Prototype 60, made from pure kryptonite, sold in neon green or ski-mask black at any Genuinely Evil Inc. department store.

3.Take your whisk and begin to beat the mixture. Imagine you’re fighting your way through a horde of overly-protective heroes, or using your super-villain strength to push over every building in the city. Don’t stop until all the heroes are on the ground, all the buildings were toppled, and the egg mixture is light starting to foam, and all the ingredients are well incorporated.

4.Turn on the stove and take out a skillet. We enjoy turning our stoves to BURN THEM ALL!!! Mode as much as the next inherently villain super-supply department store, but scrambled eggs are best cooked a medium temperature. Butter your skillet of choice, or use the All-Evil, All-Natural, Cooking spray, until all surfaces are covered. If you are using the cooking spray, make sure you have an acid-proof skillet. It would be a shame if your skillet were to melt in the middle of cooking. Using a spatula, or other flat-ended item, such as a wide ended machete, razor-edged spade, or human hip bone (make sure it’s been well cleaned), stir the eggs in the pan. As they begin to cook, keep moving them around. Don’t let them burn.

5.When the eggs are done cooking (there should be very little if no liquid egg left) put them onto a plate and enjoy your breakfast. They’re great with a glass of milk from our Pure Evil© cows (or chickens, whatever floats your boat) and a few pieces of our bacon (sold from mundane flavor to spicy toxic waste, and don’t worry, it’s completely genetically modified!) Have a great day being a villain, and don’t forget to be evil!

This recipe was written and produced by Genuinely Evil Inc. The opinions expressed within are the sole beliefs of the author. That said, they are completely correct, and if you say otherwise, I will lock you in my dungeon!