Squiggle

Where do I begin and end?

My brain has been bouncing around in an uncontrolable ball of squiggly feelings.

Why am I so sad?

Why can't I be happy?

Why does my brain chemistry have to be so much different from everyone else?

I hate the overwhelming feeling that squiggles bring. However, they have become the only and oldest friend I have. I can't remember a time when the tidal wave of thoughts and feelings didn't ravish my emotional body.

Letting everyone down is all I have ever done. I remember my mom telling me my senior year of highschool, after my second suicide attempt that she "would just thank God if I could graduate". Hell, "second suicide attempt" says it all. I couldn't even kill myself correctly. The squiggles make sure to remind me of that.

In a never ending loop of one. Two. Three. Four. After the fourth time I just gave up.

Those moments of clarity that jump rope between my bipolar mind reminds me that I miss them. I never understood why. I guess when you have major depression, and tend to swing that way on the bipolar teeter totter, when those feelings aren't there it makes you nervous.

When my squiggles are gone, I constantly feel like i'm walking on egg shells. waiting for the pin to drop. Things are going too good. something has to go wrong...It has to be one of the most parasitic one sided relationship I have ever been in...