Can you love a garden so much?

- that you catch a flash-back while at work, and your heart sinks completely shattered?

Can you cherish a memory so much?

- that visiting the same place without his bouncing curls makes it feel like a cemetery?

I smell the moist earth,

see the dancing shadows of the light through the leaves.

I am still blinded by the sunshine reflecting off those bouncing curls and the love in his eyes and smile.

I need my log cabin now.

I need my 50 acres.

I need my fruit trees to tend to and flowers to pick.

I need my peace.

I need to pet my daughters‘ hair in the simple afternoon.

No one rushing me or to impress.

I need to hold my son as he rests.

Feed him the best food and smile into his eyes.

I need to start teaching my little one all about the plants.

I need it now.

It’s getting late and they don’t know how much I Love them.

They don’t know what hopes keep me going.

They are the Lights that lead me and keep me on a path.

They are the Lights that keep my eyes open, my heart open, my hands open.

I don’t know what excites my soul lately~

…maybe just when my 9 month old daughter looks into my eyes and smiles. It is the only authentic smile I know, the only person that lives in the moment constantly.

… Seeing my son‘s golden curls bounce in the liquid sunshine as he picked flowers used to excite my soul - and watching him run with a smile on his face.

… Peeking at the dew covered roses in the morning used to excite my soul - and drinking up that evening sunshine as I laid on patches of white clovers.

~

Birth of you

Your name was chosen

Before the stardust settled

Eternal being

Consciousness

Sight sound taste smell feel

Early morning barely dawn

Light that slowly wakes

The Bright Noon Sun

Gold and truth appears

Shadows flee and flowers bloom

In the bright noon sun

Shift In The Air

Hurry to gather

Before winter’s silent sleep

Life’s promised harvest

Recycling Energy

Mycelium connects

Through young tree-fingers reaching

What freed souls donate

To die to your old life, old self, and be born again.

To go through all the stages of learning, while teaching them.

To find a part of yourself you didn’t know you could love, amongst all that self hate you‘ve been holding.

To not be able to fully regret, regardless of the pain, all the moments that brought you to this one.

The closest experience to the natural processes that were meant to be our natural way of being.

(If you embrace it) - pure bliss.

I took for so long…

I didn't realize I was taking my own life away.

I idealized so hard-

I didn't realize I was leaving reality.

And then I knew.

And then a mirror was cast in front of me.

I repented,

So devotedly-

I gave all my life away lovingly.

I was loyal.

So forgiving.

Even though it was not reciprocated,

Even though my efforts were cast away as meaningless,

& my love was called a lie.

I sit completely vulnerable.

I sit and wait for the universe-

to balance itself,

once again.

Scratches and words crossed out.

Roses with dew drops,

Blood on the thorns.

Deepest of shadows and brightest of Light.

~

Heavy details on the left,

Vague shapes scattered through.

But then there's still quite a bit of white canvas,

That she hasn't gotten to~

~

There's deep grooves where the scrapers went heavily.

There's some watercolor that got washed out.

But my favorites are the outlines and words in black ink, they clearly show what the artist thinks.

~

Lovely, mediocre, unfinished work~

It’s all food

The colors on the sky

The sun

The pain

The wind

Hugs

Your kiss on my forehead

The melting heat after running a while

I don’t want to hide from the cold

It’s all food

From Source~

~To me

I heard my kidney’s telling me I was trying too hard to hide the sadness.

That I should let it show. Breathe through it. Feel it completely.

I heard my heart tell me I was trying too hard to ignore my needs. That I should tend to my deepest needs. I should be my own best care taker.

I heard my head scream to me “It’s too much to resolve in an instant, in a day”, “you don’t have all the pieces to this puzzle“,

“leave it for another day”.

My back said “I am ashamed”

and my chest said “I am afraid”.

… so,

I straightened my back.

I pulled my shoulders back and opened my chest cavity wide.

Exposed my heart.

I set goals for tending to my heart.

I breathed through it.

I let the tears fall & the sadness show.

Took off the tight shoes of pretense.

Shook off the stifling wardrobe of pride.

Now I dance,

slowly to the moment.