I can't count how many times I've thought about a guy. This guy who used to be in my life. Someone I used to care about. Oh god he was my sunshine, he was the love of my life. He didn't feel the same way though. So here I am. Alone and bitter about something so stupid and trivial as puppy love. 

If it was possible to tell him what I truly feel now I would tell him he was so important to me even when I'm scared about everything else, I was never scared of him.

He was too precious to me, that I can't deny. So you can see how I'm still ranting about him. It's almost two years and he's always passing through in my head. No shyness, no transparency but it was still hollow. Memories that were just memories and nothing more just as all memories should be. 

He changed me forever when he left. I was never the same girl again. Before I met him I was already in pieces yet when I did meet him, I didn't feel it anymore but when he left I was more damaged than I was at the first place.

So yes. Without even trying to he has left a mark in my life and torn parts of my heart apart. How can you tell yourself to just get over someone when your soul was convinced he was the one? You can't baby. It doesn't work that way.

I think there's just that one person who you used to love romantically, heart and soul, stars and all, that you can't just get over. No matter how long it takes.

So here I am contemplating my existence. Having one of my midlife crisis at the age of 19. Lamenting myself to melancholy feelings and swimming in a pool of memories not knowing the core reason why I do so. 

It seems everyone is moving on with their life however I stay stuck somehow, somewhere between wanting to do something with my life and staying put. Such feelings make me compare my life with others. The people I go to school to. I can't help but feel joy for their success yet at the same time I came to loathe myself. 

I'm a ghost. Light as a feather, almost like I never existed at all. I saw my own funeral take place. It was lovely. Now what?

"Nice dress you have on today." Startled, beside me was a man. Very attractive in a black suit. "I'm sorry do I know y-, hold on! You can see me?!" He smiled.

"Come along now. It's time to go."

"Go? Where?"

"Can't say. You need to be asking someone of higher power for that one." 

"I can't follow you. I don't know you!" 

"Should've thought of that before you quickened your death date."

"Hold on, are you a grim reaper?"

"I would prefer to be called an Angel, love. Angel of death at your service miss." He winked and gestured his hand to his heart. Bloody hell I'm not going anywhere. So I ran and took over a body of a 13 year old.