I’m trying to stay distracted

Keeping my mind busy

Or at least I’m trying to

Feeling like a fish pushing upriver- no one can see how hard I’m trying.

Just keep moving, just keep pushing,

Don’t think- just go, what’s next?

Is it dishes? Laundry? Mopping, dusting?

Cooking, baking? Nope, more faking.

I’m trying to stay distracted and I’m doing very well,

I don’t think that people who actually know me can even tell.

I’m trying to stay distracted because there’s too much on my mind, so I’ll just keep on looking out, and look for anything to find

Meeting you wasn’t easy.

In a matter of seconds my world flipped.

I decided to hide-it was easier than telling you the truth, my truth.

I watched the world chip away at your heart;

Giant pieces removed until there was no heart at all;

The weight of grief had turned it to a heavy ball.

I held the ball in my hands,

My love became too hot-

Metal burned again but I could not

Let go.

I burned holes through myself as I wore it in my heart;

With every embrace another hole was bored showing more and more of my insides-

You can see through me now.

I don’t have anything to hide,

But I don’t want you to know that the holes you made in me have left me bleeding

I hurt

There’s nothing I can do about it.

He was tired of waiting for me.

I didn’t make a decision.

And now I’m going to die at the hands of someone who loves me;

What happened?

Weren’t we something?

Doesn’t what I felt matter?

Why could I feel everything you do?

Why does my heart still call out to the northeast and I cry in the west?

Why didn’t I just ask you to come rescue me?

If only I had known how much this would hurt.

You said you’d never leave again.

What happened to your promise?

3:33 am

No sleep for hours only tears.

Why does my heart bleed for you?

What happened?

You said I hurt you

But if I had known it was going to

I would’ve never did the things you didn’t want me to.

Our hearts bleed together

Please stop doing this to us

You can question a whole bunch of things, whatever will make you feel better about the life you want to live; I’ve held my feelings back because I know that you’re a runner and I can’t just sit and give you a million reasons just to stay

I know that if I hold you and you long for holding tighter eventually you only go away

I wan the things that I can give to be enough for you

But I don’t see anything but pain from what I do

So I’m trying hard to walk away like you’ve asked me to

I’m doing hard to try, to get through every day

And do things the right way like you’ve asked me to

I don’t want to cry i don’t want to beg

Because I’m afraid that if I do

The more that I’ll try, the less that you’ll want

I’m I’ll be left standing without you

My heart is blue

I can’t undo

All that time has put us through

Was it me this time?

Or was it you?

Does it even matter if it’s true?

Would you even really care

Even if you were aware

Would you see how hard I’m trying

Or would you think that I’m just lying?

I climb a cliff to reach your hand

Then thrown back to the ledge again

I wish that I could trust it all

That you wouldn’t kill me in the fall

But I keep reaching for that hand

You say let go like I can land

It won’t be until you become strong

And lift me up where we belong

But you turn away so often now

That I can barely tell you how

This climb I’ve make has left me broken

And if I fall without words spoken

The I’ll be leaving you alone;

Wondering where I had gone.

So I’ll keep clinging to the edge;

Take back my hand until I’ve been fledged.

Fiddle me riddle me tittle me this:

If there is just pain is there something to miss?

Is there something to gain in a sweet reminisce?

All of this fodder has taken a spark

And the wick is run short and the battle will start

Not a battle of wits but a battle of spirit,

Courage and chaos both take space within it.

I found you, a rare and precious stone,

And I tried-begging God, for more strength from His throne

I don’t think you understood

Half of what was told to you.

I know I’m much too old for you

to show you something that is new.

I guess I’d have a couple words

But when I say them are they heard?

Because sometimes you act like what we have

Has hastily halted to what we had.

I know that you don’t understand

The way that life brought me the light;

Through fright, sheer pain, and disbelief,

I got pulled through the dark night.

And in the day these things remain.

I’m not somehow immune to pain.

Just because I brace when it comes

Instead of turning my back just to run

I tried to tell you that there are more,

I’ve met a few of us so far,

But all you see is me it’s true

Because you know that I love you.

I’ve said it before,

It slips off your tongue.

A poisonous song

that your victims hear sung,

In the moments before

the blood starts to run,

The darkness of war

in the dead heat of sun.

You stab without warning

When did this begin?

I thought we were

Wayfarers, lovers, and friends?

Why did you turn

to sink your blade in?

Was it just too easy

Because my skin is too thin?

What’s happened lately,

It’s brought us all stress.

And now onto me

you let your pressure press.

But I’m just to brittle

and this is too much distress.

So I’ll let you breakthrough

And fall into your mess.

Is this paranoia?

Is this anxiety?

I can’t put a label on the things

That I feel inside of me.

Everywhere I see people stare

And they don’t realize that I see them care,

Because my mind and words can only scare,

How long can I ask them to stay there?

I can hardly live with the thoughts I have to face

When I feel them coming like a hurricane I brace

Myself against the wind of currents calling me insane.

Firmly in my stuck space; like a light I sit and burn

How can I do this everyday..

Face someone in the mirror who I don’t know..

Maybe she’ll come back someday

Someday I’ll be me again