It is curently 12:30 am.

I cannot sleep. 

I keep thinking of many things, all things,  Everything. 

I keep thinking about everything I am blessed with. 

Everything that is going so well in my life. 

But yet, I still cannot shake the feeling of how much better I could be doing, or what better things could be going on in my life. 

I cannot shake the feeling of how much better life could be if I just gave everything up. 

If I just let go.

I lost someone today.

It's odd how we never understand the value of a person until their gone.

When I was little he would listen to every single word I said, even if he had no interest or didn't have a clue on what I was talking about.

He loved me unconditionally.

When I was little I wanted to be a fashion designer. I had these little paper sheets of bratz dolls and I would draw on outfits. I had over 100 and he still sat there and let me show him every single one.

When I was little he took a lot of naps. I would want to play and he was a lite sleeper. He would pretend he was sleep walking as he did silly things to make me laugh.

When I was 15 I had a Quincenera. He traveled 15 hours just to come for the weekend. He pulled me aside at the party and told me that because my father was not in my life anymore that he would like to give me his blessing. His blessing to go and find love, his blessing to grow up, his blessing to become the person I'm intended to be.

I got to see him once or twice a year. But every time he saw me he would grab me by the shoulders and tell me that I am a strong.

I need to be strong now.

i simply, do not fit in.

i stand out.

i simply, am not like others my age.

i have already been through hell and back.

i simply, am a statistic.

i have been a victim, survivor, and am in recovery.

i simply, do not party.

i cannot focus in large groups.

i simply, do not drink to "have fun."

i drink to forget.

i simply, do not fit in.

i stand out.

i am not like you.

i live in a world that forces me to be strong.

i live in a world where i need to know how to survive.

i live in a family that is hard to please, so at all cost, don't screw up.

i am not like you.

i have an old soul, that has been through much pain.

i have a great mind, that never stops running.

i have a quiet voice, that never knows when to shout.

i am not like you.

i am still a teen that will soon become an adult.

i am still a person, who has not yet found her click.

i am still an introvert, that wouldn't dare to "join in."

i am me.

You have kept my heart waiting for several years,

Giving me excuse after excuse and telling me your fears,

Saying that I'm your Wendy because you're my Peter Pan,

But did you ever finish the story?

They never end up Hand in Hand.

You tell my that you love me,

And that one day we'll be together,

But while I'm drowning in my feelings,

You're out living with another lover.

I lied to myself about not caring for you anymore,

But as it turns out I'm actually finding myself walking toward the door.

Self hatred is an odd thing to think about. 

A person can go to the gym and work out until they're sore, to try to hurt themself.

A person can starve themselves, over eat, or make themselves throw up, to try to hurt themself.

A person can go to a party and drink as much as they can, to try to hurt themself.

A person can have pain and take one to many pills, to try to hurt themself.

A person can take a blade to their skin and keep it a secret, to try to hurt themself.

A person can have many things going on in their lives and keep it all in, to try to hurt themself.

A person can not take care of their diabeties, wounds, pain, etc. to try to hurt themself.

But the thing is, people do these things and don't tell other people because they want to ONLY hurt themselves, not anyone else, not anyone who loves them.

i can't tell you How a person gets to the level of hating oneself. But i can tell you that at the end, you end up hurting way more people then the only intensional person you wanted to hurt.

People need other people. Look around yourself. Save a life.

Sometimes this world can get confusing. You have a Faith stronger than anything. But as you grow older, that line between right and wrong starts to fade to grey.

Where is the line drawn between possesions and desires?

Where is the line drawn between caring what God thinks of your every move, and simply not even caring?

Some say this would is black and white. i just say it's plain confusing.

It Hurts, knowing that the one who loved you, and held you in his arms when you were born, and promised he would protect you from any harm through out your life, was the one who harmed you. Was the one you needed protection from, was the one who abused that innocent love from a child.

It Hurts because the one you wanted to walk you down the isle and have a special dance with would soon be replaced with thoughts of wanting to see them walk into a prison. Thoughts and dreams of seeing them go away forever and never come back.

It Hurts because society tells you that you cant talk about it because it's too gross, too weird, too graphic. And when you do decide to talk about it, the world tells you it's not your fault, you were a child, you didn't know better. But in my heart, those words cant change the way he made me feel like it would all be my fault, it would all be on me, if i told anyone. It would be my fault that my mom would want a divorce. And they did (because he was sleeping with the neighbor). I did feel like it was my fault, even though i had never told anyone... and the fact that no one had a clue until 6 years later.

It Hurts.