I don't want to only know her by the sound of her footsteps

I don't want this leash to be so tight

I want to find my own and not relive someone else's lost dream

I want to be me

This path has footsteps that never made it to the end

Am I supposed to continue

in search of what was

and in hopes of becoming something that's not for me

It pains me with each step that I take

It leads me

farther than where I need to be

The pains different these days

Its null and lost it's vibrance

It doesn't feel the same

It still exist

But It makes the rain different

And my rage distant

But the pills make it fine

so I can eat

and I can fall asleep

it fine

fine

fine'

with the prescription medication

I forgot how to cry again

will I feel alive again?

when will the end not look like the middle

the days are shorter

its a subtle change

my life

my dreams

they now have no means

just waking up

day after day

with no say

These expectations

they're running me dry

no tears left

and no time to cry

I can't keep blaming the weather

Cause stick season is almost over

running out of room on my skin

where the art is thin

but it means something

holding on to somethin'

just to find out it was nothin'

its a tiring spindle

I was once a work of art

full and strong

once made with love

and filled with the brightness of the sun

and now rail thin

meals skipped on days end

downwards spiral

my dreams

my needs

where have they gone

and I'm running out of things that are keeping me tethered here

my folks are leaving

and I find no care anymore

cause the birds will still sing

and my folks will still fight

the boards will still creak

and the leaves will still die

everything will keep on moving with or without

and that's the hardest part

trying to move on

but still wondering where it all went wrong

I can't keep blaming it on the weather

It needs to get better

I'm scared that

you'll read my mind

and see how I'm imagining you

and you will see-

see how it is to be loved by me

I know I would turn around

damning you to be dragged back underground

But just for a second

I would know you chose me

Imagine being loved by me

And I would beg for your forgiveness

and hopeful need

That you would be spared

immediately

Eurydice

Please love me

I want to remember how it is to be loved by you

It hurt so bad

that I became a poet

for the words of loss and longing

I could not say out loud

so I chose to write them on paper

with harsh slashes and scars

marring the clean lines

of a thin heart

hoping to relieve some of this burdening pressure

so that I can breathe

It hurt so bad

I became a poet

so that I could spew out the words

that haunt me

that swirl around begging to be released

It hurts so bad

I don't want to be a poet

I don't want to be fluent in the language of sorrow

to be able to twist and turn and churn hieroglyphics into something meaningful

to give one shivers and goosebumps

I don't/want to be a poet

I love him.

But

It's not the heart aching love I had for you

I love him.

But its not the same

I love him.

But I see every bit of you in him

I love him.

But

He's not you.

And that's the thing.

He's not you.

But

I love him.

I see every bit of you in him

But

I love him.

And its not the same

But

I love him.

And although it's not the heart aching love I had for you

I love him.

One day,

I am going to kill myself with all the words I didn't say.

All the words that were on the tip of my tongue.

just there

within reach

too scared to breathe

too scared to speak

of the unspoken

to change what was between us

and what could have been

and what never was

Me.

Yes me.

I lie to myself everyday.

And despite that, I love myself.

It's a strange addiction I have.

Lying over and over it soothes something in me.

Something that I can not put into words.

But I love myself.

My god I love the liar in me.

over and over again

I've fallen in love with you

A person from my dreams

And every time I wake up

my thoughts are filled with questions as if i was to ever see you again

that I'll never hear your laugh

or see you smile once more

and i know your not real

but this love i have for you is

and i spend my days waiting until I can close my eyes

and see you there waiting for me

arms wide ready to embrace

but I do hate the mornings

where I hold you tight

as you fade away

and as I wake up

It's not fair

but when is life ever fair

I want forever with you

And I know that forever's not promised

But I wanna get as close as possible

To forever

With you.