I'm doing my damndest to believe in better days. It seems there's a black cloud of misfortune that hangs over me. I don't know how to surrender myself to the moment and let things just be. I find myself losing sleep because I don't want to let go and allow the whims of fate to control what befalls me. I'm doing my damnedest to just let things go.

My mind is fraught with uncertainty, my frailties are numerous. I wear this crown of thorns and a knife in my chest. I keep searching for something that I never seem to find. Sometimes this cross I bear is too heavy for me to carry. These are my burdens and I force myself to carry them alone. What I lack in humility I make up for in hubris.

You were the sunrise to my morning sky. You were the rejuvenation I feel from a nice warm shower. You were the tall glass of water that quenched my thirst when the sun scorched my lungs. You filled me when I felt empty. You were my sky, you were my world. I was the first to say goodbye, but don't you forget that you were the first to walk away without trying. You made me believe in hope. You helped me find my smile again. You were the defibrillator shock that revived my heart of stone. Yet when you left, it feels like there's a hole in my chest. I no longer recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I pray to God I find myself again. Because it seems the day you left and said you didn't want me anymore, I lost myself. You were the first goodbye I would ever choke upon like blood in my throat. You were the first girl to give me the time of day and accept me for the entirety of who I am. I hope I don't remember you as the first to break my heart, but as the first one to make me feel loved.

I've been trying to forget about you while also trying to forgive you. I can't seem to rid you of my memory. Because with you I had the best time of my life. And it seems so strange that I hate you and love you. I can still remember the contour of your face and the curve of your lips. It's odd to me how you made me feel so alive, and how I now wish to die so I can finally forget you. Cause I don't think I'll ever forget you, and so long as I remember, I don't think this pain will ever leave. I try to give myself closure and it's more like picking a scab. No matter how much I drink or how much I write, my thoughts always seem to circle back to you. To the day you walked into my life to the day you left. You brought sunshine back to my pitch black sky. Yet now, I've become much more at home underneath the cover of the clouds. I don't understand how you can walk away from my life but you live inside my brain.

I heard your words when I was a boy. Back then I was too young to understand, yet now I can see. So there's no excuse for the path that I chose. These convictions remain in my soul. No matter how hard I try to forget or remove them, they stay set in stone. I cannot run away, I cannot escape. They say you offer the greatest gift of freedom, yet I feel hopelessly trapped and I can't find a way out. There is a black cloud called 'Gospel' that hangs over me, and I don't remember how it feels to have the sun grace my skin.

I don't ask for much. I never really have asked for a whole lot. I only ask for a lover, peace, and purpose. I don't ask too many questions, or I try not to anyway. I try to find contentment in what little I have. I always try to be grateful. I've never asked for much. I never really make plans. I'm just a simple man, doing the best I can.