is this what you've decided, then?

to replace me with filth?

to turn aside and let me die?

to join hands with a stranger--

rather than myself?

longer than them.

i've known you so much longer.

what do they have that i don't?

oh, i cannot wait.

i cannot wait for you to do that thing you do--

get bored of them, like an old toy,

and drop them.

i cannot wait for them to feel how i feel now.

i cannot fucking wait.

you are disgusting.

you are wonderful.

( that illness in my head. )

you are painful.

you are healing.

( it won't ever stop. )

you are a creature.

you are an angel.

( shrieking your name -- )

you are nothing.

you are everything.

( -- like a storm siren. )

you are terrifying.

you are safe.

( without your presence -- )

you are a wound.

you are an embrace.

( -- it will tear me apart. )

you are freezing.

you are warm.

( so, i beg you -- )

i am disgusting.

i am disgusting.

( -- do not abandon me -- )

you are perfect.

you are perfect.

( -- even at my worst hour. )

violent crunch-bend of metal

chassis contorts, shatters to its wavelength

a grand, colorful

burst of noise.

vision sparks, omitting

omitting.

curled up-wise top-sy tur-vy

screeching crunch-bend

gasoline stinging sensors

roaring

engine burns

violent crunch-bend

burning rubber

fruitless

seat-belt sting

detached

omitted.

wake up with a noise

a cold sunday night

bloody murder

a pair of arms

wrap 'round

pulled from a coil

into cloud-like

...

is it loneliness i describe?

i am lonely. even when i am not

there will be thousands,

millions of voices about me,

pointed to me,

asking my well wishes and praise

but--

his voice.

he is not there.

alas, thusly,

i am lonely.

o my king, where have you gone?

your kingdom is a mere crater.

that soft scarred smile

erased to time i cannot reach

your hands running through my hair

delicate as with how strong you were

could grasp my head and crush it

yet with me so careful

so unrelentingly careful...

and some nights you'd sing to me

in that deep, comforting voice

and it always lulled me off to sleep

i miss when you'd sing to me.

i know you'd want me to move on,

to not mourn you so deeply,

to move onto that which makes me happy-

you made me happy. you made me happiest.

where did you go, my king?

where did you go...?

please come back.

o, i steel my bravery, steel my chivalry, as danger approaches

lunging for you, i aim a point to your throat, and you dodge with ease,

and rather than slicing my head from my body, you grip my shoulders--

sweep me from my feet, and press your lips to mine, drawing my breath--

feelings in my head clash--partial disgust, partial shock--partial interest,

my body does not react, merely freezing up where i stand--

you draw back, pulling me back up, staring, waiting, almost--

when i do nothing, you blink, and step back, staring, staring--

“that was meant to kill you,” you muttered, blinking, green eyes glinting--

i could not muster a response, and merely stared, dumbfounded--

chivalry steeled, yet not my own wits, for i don’t reach back for my weapon--

i blink and you disappear, and i still stand in my place, face hot,

only able to muster a small “pardon?” far after you were gone;

and we met again just the other day, and we both stood in place,

and i saw your face glow with a flush, unable to summon words, like myself--

“i messed up last time,” you mutter, “let me try again.” and mindlessly, i said;

“very well.”

what a disaster we’re all in here

the world crumbles beneath and the trees curl in pain

they tear out of the ground and charge and scream

who am i to leave now?

i've staked my claim here in the sand

there's nothing back home for me and nothing here

no word matters but my own when i go down

so on my own merit i stay standing

on my own merit i won't leave this place

on my own merit i'll die here

and on my own merit i won't be saved

on nobody's judgement but my very own.

saw through skin, saw through bone

could cure the sick, from what i’ve known

saw through muscle, saw through nerve

for the recognition i deserve

bleeding body, bleeding skin

bite into wood to ease the din

bleeding leg laid in the sand

strawberry scent i cannot stand

whose face is that i see beneath

the scorching desert sun?

a silhouette upon the sand

shadowed in the burning light

robed in white and golden silk

eyes bright and round as pearls

their scarf so long flows in the wind

curling and twisting like a tendril

they’d made this journey many times

they’d do it hundreds more

through burning sand and blinding sun

through curse left by the ancients

they’d push through violent winds and snow

a hundred times again

they make it look so simple,

the mountain not so steep

i want to join them in their steps

to follow one so wise

there’s nothing else so painful as

a journey by myself

but they act as if it’s easy

a mountain oh so steep

they wonder why i stumble

in the overwhelming heat

they wonder why i tremble

in the violent freezing winds

they turn to me and ask

why its so difficult a task

but i do not respond

beneath the scorching desert sun