Dear God, O dear, God, dear!

When will we see the tyrants in life lose?

When will we win if we take action without losing as much?

And dear God, why do we have to pay more when we fight although we are fighting because we have lost a lot already?

And O Lord I take a faith in you, a friend in you, to whom I grief, to whom I feel relief,

So dear my dear God, hear me out, let the fire be of coolness and safety upon us, as you did to your close friend Abraham.

Yours,

Éros

the emergency of act has me caught

caused me to be other than myself

''don't be other than yourself'', lesson taught

i betrayed myself

i only wanted to to keep you close

i know you are no one else's god forbid

i say

i only

i only wanted you to be with me

only

I will admit it, you are right Britney, my loneliness is killing me as well as my back, joking I have a very straight nice posture, the only straight thing about me actually. I said this as I’m looking in the mirror, my butt looks kinda cute lately. Unfortunately, there is no one who appreciates it now and then, just kidding, or am I? I am not going to lie to you Britney, I have been afraid to admit that loneliness is affecting me although I like to be alone, and I mean it, I enjoy every minute that am away from people. I feel internal and external peace. Peace of heart and mind. But I guess my humane side is speaking. I think even if I enjoy my solitude, I would appreciate the idea of someone out there loving me and wishing me good. Goodbye, Britney. Have a day.

We live in a world ruled by scammers and idiots that follow through. Abusers, manipulators, and victimization. Power holders and followers. Too much obsession over power. All of this bullshit is tolerated in all societies.

Lots of working hours that we all know are exaggerated and no one actually needs to work for that amount of time, the world wouldn’t explode, or if it did then let it we will die anyway. So we basically live and waste our lives consuming media, news, trends, and a bunch of superficial products that most of are unnecessary. Humans are ridiculous, just like tobacco and drugs everyone admits they are harmful to humans yet they are still being produced and advertised for lol and so are many other stuff to point out. People keep creating things and joining things just to belong to something and also to feel protected by something, or fear something, such as religions, cults, and political parties. Leftists, rightists, bullshits, there is no one that belongs or commits 100% to an idea or a team, we are human beings and we are able to discover new things, adopt new habits, we are apt for change, constant change, and I believe the way societies are shaped is just abusive of human nature. Fear of loneliness and abandonment is too much. Many people stay in their families just out of fear. Most people prefer to stay in their comfort zone which is ironic because they are not comfortable, yet they ‘’prefer’’ to stay. People are afraid of change, not even that, people are afraid of the idea of just being with no explanation. How come it is so terrifying just to be yourself with no need to explain? I find it weird, though I myself do it. How come we are terrified of other human beings just like us? And we study philosophers and thinkers who are humans just like us, so why don’t you have your own ideas? Do you really have to follow a certain way just to justify why you think this is this and this is that to you? I don’t think so. I think that we complicate existence out of selfishness. One selfish person manipulates another into believing his idea is correct using things that would allure or threaten another person and the other follows but also has some other ideas that he cannot fully express so he keeps them inside but they will come out in a way or another like a rebel or does it discretely, and this is just painful to watch every day. Manipulation and selfishness, gaslighting, gatekeeping, and thinking like we are girl-bossing are just fucked up. Humans have successfully succeeded in making the world a living hell for themselves. They dug up their own grave. They create problems then they start trying to solve them. They keep traumatizing each other. Then they just die. How funny.

What the fuck humans. Stand up for yourselves and stop being a submissive b*tch. Have confidence in who you are and what you are and what you like and don't like, have some fucking boundaries for fucks sake. Stop being p*ssies in every little thing, and have some balls, you can’t even face your parents. They are actually grownups and you need to stop protecting their toxicity and stop lying to them and just be if they don’t like it, it’s none of their business. Respect is good but within reason. Just like any other thing it needs to be reciprocal if it’s not then stop it. That goes not to just parents or family matters, in the workplace, friendships, relationships, government, and daily life.

I am exercising not taking things personally. It's a challenging task for someone like me. I tend to link things together and jump to conclusions as if the world is all about me. So now as I am trying to practice this behaviour, I mostly fail, but when I don't, it feels peaceful right after.

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Boundaries.

humm...

I was thinking earlier about relationships and people. More specifically, I came to a personal conclusion that I cannot be anyone's hero, or someone's everything. Or the full pillar for anyone, though I somehow wanted to be that for someone always. I tried my best, but events kept proving me wrong. I realized that I could only be there for the people I love and couldn't actually save them if they didn't want to be saved or helped. I think that I should come to peace with that fact and I genuinely do not understand my obsession with wanting to be someone's home, hug, salvation, peace, and such. Being there for someone can be enough, just listening to them, or showing up for them can be enough. We are all having our own movie or series of events, and our meeting is just like a crossover episode, we don't know whether some characters will make it further to the end of our story, but we still can enjoy their presence while it lasts, and that's the beauty of it.

I obviously do not have friends, or to say, I do not feel comfortable for long to be close to people. I know how I would give all, which makes me sad. Each time I get a bit close to someone, I get disappointed by some subtle details that some or they themselves do not notice, but for me, those are important indicators of how this person is and how they can intuitively define their behaviorism in the future when things get serious.

I am running, running, running,

I can't cry, I cannot feel a single feeling, it's scary.

I ran with no fucking purpose, I sat down, not sweating much surprisingly,

I smelled myself and dramatically said: ah if only everyone was as efficient as Rexona, 48h with no sweaty smell of confidence and cracked a laugh at my personal show. My lungs were burning, but I was glad I felt something. This stranger sat next to me, and I realized I really really needed a hug. All this time, my body was craving a single hug. Well, I won't get any. This is a stranger, well even if it weren't a stranger, I wouldn't ask for one.

I woke up and stumbled my way to the bathroom, still half-asleep. After brushing my teeth and drinking some water, I cleaned up and got dressed. I grabbed my bag and left the house feeling exhausted. I picked up some tea and a bun on my way and arrived at the office two minutes later. I put my things down and headed to the bathroom where I took off my pants and lay down on the floor. As soon as my body touched the ground, a tear fell from my eye. It was as if my body was yearning to be closer to the earth. I stayed there for about fifteen minutes until I felt at ease again. During that time, I could feel every blood cell rushing through my body - it was overwhelming but healing at the same time.

They often say, and I also see that I am too easy on myself.

I caress myself too much and baby it. Some will say it's good, some say it's bad, but I think it's good until it becomes bad. What I mean by that is if I go too easy on myself it will spoil me from learning and fixing some things I should fix about myself. I do not regret babying myself or taking my own side. I know I automatically do that because no one babied me or put their arm on my shoulder to keep me warm.

But I think it's time to be a little tough on myself to get back on my feet. Sometimes, it feels hard to do that because it's like watching my child struggle and have no one to cheer them up. I am writing you this Izzy because I saw you are going through a lot, and I just wanted you to remember to love yourself a little more, I love you, friend.

Sometimes, I look at you from across the room and I think that you deserve better than me. But when I look straight into your eyes, I say I deserve you, and you deserve me. There is no way I wasn't meant to be drawn in those eyes. There is no way. Just one look and my rage is gone, my heart is yours, and my body gives in, in the hottest sweetest ways possible. Your eyes never threaten me. They calm me. They own me.