Throw It Back For Hitler
Eee Eee Eee. I hit my alarm clock in the head. I roll over and see- ¨JESUS HELL!”
“Vello, I vas vondering ven you vould vake up.”
“How long have you been waiting there. Actually, no. That doesn’t matter, you’re Hitler leave!”
“Oh, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler. Vhen did everyone become so sensitive to that name. You know, I prefer Adolf, but nobody cares about vhat the evil Hitler thinks. I have feelings too you know.”
“Ohhh. I’m still dreaming, that must be it.”
“You’re not dreaming. Here let me prove it.” Then Hitler hit me in the leg.
“Oh, Hitler why did you do that?”
“Pain is zimply you’re nerves being distressed, you’re body von’t do that to itself, so if felt pain, vat means I’m real, vich means your not dreaming.”
“God, you know too much about pain Hitler.”
“Adolf.”
“So why are you here?”
“I onestly do not know. The last thing I remember, it was April, 30, 1945, I was about to fake my own death, then next thing I nu, I’m in zis room.”
“Uh, alright. I guess I’m just gonna accept that as a fact now. None of what’s happening makes sense.”
“Do you vant to here a joke? I love jokes.”
“Oh, Hitler-”
“Adolf.”
“Tells jokes? Sure, tell me one”
“Vats the difference between a pizza and a jew?”
“Oh god, no. I’m gonna stop ya there.”
“Oh, pleaze vet me vinish. It’s so funny.”
“No, god, no, please lord, no. Do not finish that joke.”
“Vine... A pizza doesn’t scream-”
“Ah... and you did it anyways. Alright.”
“Oh. Here’s another. Vhy am I a vegetarian?”
“Well, I thought it ’cause you didn’t like meat, but I suppose its some other reason.”
“Its because I love turning Jews into-”
“No! No. I see where this is going. No more jokes for Adolf.”
“Awww. Voo called me Adolf. Ou like me.”
“Sure, wait, no. I’m becoming friends with Hitler-”
“Adolf.”
“Right now. You are literally the worst.”
“Vell now you’re just being rude. Even if voo don’t like me, just lie. I have veelings. Vi do you care inywayz. No one vill know you and Adolf are homies.”
“We are not homies.”
“Voo are mt closest viend right now!”
“I’m the only person you know right now! I could be hitler and, well, no that analogy doesn’t work as well anymore. Whose someone you hate right now?”
“You. Hm.”
“Yeah, I guess I just walked into that one.”
“Vell, this haz been vunderful, but time to give za people what they want.”
“Bruh, what?”
“Vell I’m basically zees people’s heroz. Zey must worship me, do ze not?”
“Oh... I see. I uh, I shoulda told you, uh. You... You didn’t win the war.”
“Huh? You must be joking.”
“No uh, you see we had two nukes.”
“Zut the hell are nukes.”
“Uh, they’re bombs, but they make very big explosions. And, well uh, America dropped two of them n Japan, Basically made two cities go extinct, and then everyone else was like ‘Not getting bombed sounds like the way to go so, uh, you win this round.’”
“Oh lord.”
“Yeah... sorry ’bout this bud.”
“Um... I think I’ll go now.”
“You sure man, I could make like a cup of coffee or somethin’”
“No, I’ve, I’ve lost my appetite. I think I’m just gonna go.”
Then as mysteriously as he came, he went. Soon after my mother walked into my room.
“Did I hear you talking to someone?”
“Yeah, it was just Hitler.”
“Sorry, What?”