“You know worrying is not good for my little muffin” a familiar voice called and i smiled before speaking up knowing who it was

“hey Sarah, sorry I didn’t notice you here, I’m in such a hurry…..i feel like flying right now” we all laughed “and I’m not worried, just scared that lack of time would ruin my plans for today”

she touched my little bump and said “ what is the occasion?”

i smiled “it’s sultan’s birthday, he is 26 today”

the elevator came to a stop at my floor and i got out, Sarah following suit

“oh wow, happy birthday to him, please send my regards. let me not hold you, i hope it turns out well” she smiled

“thanks Sarah” she hugged and pecked both of my cheeks “sure, take care of my little mufs” “sure will” i said as we took our separate routes.

I got in the car and drove off. My thought drifted to Sarah as the traffic light turned red. It’s good to have sweet neighbours especially in a place that you don’t have enough family, in my case, no family at all. Sarah had been nice to me right from the beginning. when we first moved in i had whined and whined to sultan about how marina was for the rich arabs (I’m not a racist nor a hater i promise) and we will die alone in our apartment without anyone ever knowing because i was so convinced it lacked that sense of neighbourhood. he says the same thing whenever i start my whining “think of the perks it comes with, better, comfy apartment with a cool view and few minutes away from my office and yours, besides, I’m sure there are one or two nice people. keep an open mind” i had roll my eyes and sigh but Sarah and her husband proved him right. we were freed from the traffic and i fled to marina mall where the departmental store i was going to is.

I scurried down the hall, taking the elevator down to the floor and directly into waitrose. thank god the mall isn’t gigantic, if it was Dubai mall, i would have given up.

I passed through people, some bumping into me, dodging a few and failing in most cases but i didn’t care. all i wanted was to reach the shelves, pick up the few things i needed and pay, pay….oh God help me, let there not be a long que at the counter.

olive oil, garlic and chilli powder…..kitchen towel….what else…urggg. I dug my hand into my bag and got the small list i made…yup, forgetting one of the most important things, so me. i walked briskly to the freezers and took out one puff pastry, got some things for salad on the way and rushed to join the Que at the counter.

i reached home at four which was when the adhan for asr was being called. i dropped the groceries on the kitchen slab and headed to the room to say my asr prayer. After a good 20 minutes, I went to the kitchen and got cooking with all my might.

I sat in front of the mirror contemplating which set of earings would match best with my halter neck emerald green gown. I sat there for what seemed like decades switching between the pairs i have and finally decided on silver studs. I knew sultan would be here any minute so i gathered myself up and slip into my silver jimmy choo slingback. taking one last look at the mirror, i added a little bit of mascara and smudged my lips. Sultan isn’t the guy for makeup, he prefers it natural so i made sure to keep it as natural as possible. i descended the stairs and inhaled the lavender scent that has filled the living room. Looking around, i felt satisfied with every detail of the arrangement. my eyes flickered to the door as i heard the twitching sound of the key card going in. i smiled and quickly went and stood by the door. Sultan opened up and halted on seeing me, he face palmed

“Geez manny, you scared the crap out of me” i smiled and gave him a tight hug “ did i now?” i pecked him on his cheek “Happy birthday tee, I love you”

releasing him from the hug, i held him at arm’s length scrutinising his candle lit face. He gave out a very warm smile and embraced me again “thank you manny, i missed you today”

“how was your trip?” i asked letting my arms fall to my sides “ well as good as a work trip could be on a Saturday” he said rolling his eyes

“You look beautiful” he said taking my hand in his

i beamed a wide grin and led him in.

***********************************************************************************************

“is this really necessary?” sultan said giving me a side look and rolling his eyes after

“yes it is very necessary…it’s your birthday so it must not go to waste, I know you’re tired…” “famished…actually, famished is the word” he said raising his voice a little bit while rubbing his tummy

“tired yes, a little bit but I’m really hungry manny”

“maybe if you stop being such a baby and fix yourself fast, we could all go eat”

he gave me a fake grin and continued putting on his buttons. I took his tie from the bed and walked towards him “here” I raised on my toes and put it around the collar of his shirt, then adjusted it. He tucked in the shirt and looked down at me

“manny?”

“yes?”

“please tell me i do not have to wear socks and shoes” I kept a straight face “ oh you so do” he frowned “but i don’t want to and today is my birthday, please?”

“ok i will let this slide” i said laughing at his expression

“thank God” he sighed “ you can be so unbelievable sometimes” he said shaking his head

i smiled and led him to the living room. We sat in front of the sofa where i have laid soft covers underneath a very fluffy carpet. there were jasmine scented candles all over the sitting area with a lavender incense burning in a corner. the carpet was covered with baby pink petals and the living room looked all orangey. i felt at ease, looking at him, i felt happy and i knew he was too.

I went into the kitchen while sultan answered a call. he was laughing hard and uttering some jargons i had no idea of when i set the food trolley right in front of him. I served him the tomato/garlic bruschetta i made and he dug in while still on the phone. I took my plate and took to my position, sitting adjacent to him. he had a mouthful and gave me a pleased look together with a thumbs up. i smiled and dwelled in the yumminess of the delish bruschetta.

he hung up at last and turned to me “sorry manny, no phones from now on. Just had to take this”

so we ate as he told me all about his day. I served the main dish which was mashed potatoes and baked salmon while sultan talked about how good for their business the place they visited would be. he works in a construction company, him being a civil engineer and an american company is looking to expand to the UAE where they want to have a conglomerate in the capital city, Abu Dhabi. thats where they went to check the location and do whatever it is civil engineers do before building. I listened, chipping in where i could, laughing when he said something funny, especially when he imitated his boss’ strong arabic accent. He didn’t get along well with his boss because the guy is apparently a “douchie” and sultan hated working with him.

it was quarter past 9 when we finished everything and decided to top up with dessert. I was about to go get it and sultan sprang up just before me, motioning for me to sit down

“tell me where it is, i will get it” he said smiling

“it’s your day, you are spoiling the picture i have painted in my head to spoil you” i looked up and smiled at him. “ it is in the oven and the salad is in the fridge”

He walked briskly to the kitchen returning with a baking dish on one hand and a salad bowl on the other. He went back to get plates and peeped his head from the kitchen “ what beverage would you like?” “hot chocolate please”. leave it to hot chocolate to always relax my nerves and send me to slumbers immediately. sultan came back with my cup of hot chocolate and his cup of whatever he chose on a plate. he served the pie, putting salad on the side and motioned for me to come forward. “come, we will eat together. i will feed you” i scooted closer to him and he dug the fork in the pie and brought it to my mouth, i opened up and took the pie, closing my eyes as it's deliciousness resonated on my tongue. ok, gotta give it to myself…this pie is everything. i heard sultan’s “Uhmmmm”

“seriously manny why didn’t you serve this first? i would have eaten it all. you just had to wait till my tummy is full” he said giving me a hurtful look “it’s called desert tee, it is served last” i said laughing. “i could warm it for you tomorrow morning if you want” “oh i so do” he said really fast with a mouthful and that made me laugh harder.

“you never made this pie before, which one is this anyway?”

“chicken pot pie, got it from a novel and decided to try it”

“your first time and you got it so right. didn’t know i married a chef” I nudged him and he chuckled “ got to admit it was a risk worth taking”

we cleaned up the dishes together, Sultan washed while i dried them and we were done in no time.

I sat on the kitchen stool as sultan crept behind me leaning and engulfing me into his arms. i leaned in and smiled.

“have i told you how beautiful you look today?”I nodded and smiled “well here is me saying it again. thank you so much for tonight manny, couldn’t have asked for a better birthday or wife. our little princess will be with us when we celebrate your birthday and my next in sha Allah” he said taking his right palm to my tummy. I put my palm on top of his and said “in sha Allah (God’s willing)”

I stood up and went upstairs. I met sultan on the couch looking through his phone when i came back so i sat beside him. he looked up and i handed him a wrapped box. he smiled and took it, opening it merrily. he looked up to me and smiled when he saw the content. taking the silver ring out, he gave it to me, placing his palm on my thighs, "help me please". I slid the ring onto his ring finger and he examined it. tracing his fingers over the carved SM on the ring. “Thank you” he said simply and i retuned with a simple “always”

we made our way to the room, changed, prayed isha (led by sultan) and crept into bed.

**********************************************************************************************************

I parked in front of Marina mall and looked at the *clock*. Ok, I have got 10 minutes to get my breakfast and another 5 to reach my office before 8. I hurried down to the entrance and thought of how thankful I am to Starbucks for placing their coffee shop steps away from the entrance. I spotted 3 people on the queue already and a few dispersed in the shop. “Thank God” I muttered to myself

A very slim asian looking woman smiled at me on joining the queue “No coffee for you” she said “oh I have heard enough of that” I replied

We all laughed and the cashier called the next person. Perks of being pregnant; everyone starts being nice to you, well, almost everyone.

“Next…..Next….” and it got to me.

“Good morning Ma’am, welcome to Starbucks” the cashier said with a strong Filipino accent while smiling

“Morning” I smiled back “I will have hot choc….” Cant risk getting sleepy on duty "uhmmm, I will have one medium vanilla latte with a blueberry muffin please. Take away”

“Ok ma’am…….36 dirham pipty fils”

I paid and hurried back to my car.

i reached unilever at 8:03, quickly came around to the passenger seat to get my bag and breakfast and made my way inside

“Good morning Manal, hope you’re good” Hala the receptionist called

“morning Hala,yes thank you…..see yah later” I shouted while walking briskly to my office.

I unlocked the door and entered my office, battling with the keys, my bag and the paper bag. The smell of a freshly mopped floor hit me which I despised, yap, pregnancy nose knows . After using the tobacco scented air freshener that I weirdly like, I started arranging my files for the day.

Ok,upgrades to be installed on the systems, continue working on my proposal, meeting with Mr Naveed, in that order. After getting everything in place, I continued with my research on the cost-benefit analysis I’m conducting for my proposal.

The intercom rang and I checked the time on hearing it, whoa…so much time has passed away. I checked the caller ID and saw my Boss's name

Oh no, I’m a bit late for our meeting. Sighing, I picked up the handset

“hello, good day Mr Naveed”

“Good day manal, Please come to my office”

“ok sir”

I took the lift to the 3rd floor and went straight to Mr Naveed’s office

“Come in” Mr Naveed’s voice called after my knocking. On going in, some strange faces met my eyes

Mr Naveed took a sip of water and started “Manal, I want you to meet Abdullah and Kauthar” he said gesturing his hand towards them and my eyes following suit "They are from Eurotech and are having a workshop on software development. I thought it will come in handy for your proposal.”

“Oh hello, nice to have you in unilever, I am Manal and I work in the IT department under Mr Naveed” They all smiled

“Hello Manal” Abdullah said

“So when is this workshop taking place?” I asked

“ It is starting wednesday, that is next tomorrow and will end on friday. Normally people pay to attend it but we have sponsored all our top customers that are interested.”

“That is so thoughtful of you. Marketing strategy huh?”

“well part of it” Abdullah said laughing

“We will really like it if you attend, it is going to be big and there will be opportunity to meet computer geniuses and influential people in the IT world” Kauthar added

“It is also an opportunity for us to strengthen our bond with your company” she said

“sounds really great” I said looking at Mr Naveed

“Alright then, venue is at our place” Abdullah said and we all laughed again

Kauthar passed on one of the pamphlets she was holding to me.

“Thank you, I will send Manal and some of our staff as I will be travelling tomorrow” Mr Naveed added

“Ok Sir, it is our pleasure to have you” Abdullah said while extending his hand to shake Mr Naveed

“See you on wednesday” Kauthar said

“See you Kauthar” I replied

After Abdullah and Kauthar took their leave, Mr Naveed walked to his office board, reading something off it.

“I will need you to do some things for me while I am away Manal. You can get Krishna to help you. I have already spoken with the MD and the CFO and they have approved the project we proposed for the data shows in the departments. Also about the Cisco SCX device for the conference room. I will let you know the details of the necessary paper work”

“Ok sir”

“Also meet with Hussam in the accounting department for the budget clearance……..” he said absentmindedly while looking down at his phone. Good to know we are not alone in this phone madness….the old people are involved!

“Ok Mr. Naveed”

“You may go now, we will meet before you close for the day”

“how about the meeting?”

Mr Naveed looked up from his phone “oh that, it has been rescheduled to next week monday” Oh happy day!

“Alright"

I left Mr. Naveed’s office thinking about the mess I'm getting into this week. Time will be very minimal and I’m getting really heavy. Although the morning sickness is long gone, I still feel queasy and weak some times and often on edge for no reason. Swelling up every now and then does not help things also.

I reached my office and decided to check my phone for any calls.

Ok I have got a missed call from…..holy crap!

All the blood drained from my face. What is wrong this time? What have I done?

I dropped my phone and started pacing round my office all sorts of thoughts running through my mind

Ok, I have got to be strong, I thought. What is the worst that could happen? After all, he is my father.

So I took my phone and reluctantly pressed the call back button.

It started ringing and my heartbeat increased with every ring till his voice came on

“Hello, where did you keep your phone? I have been calling you”

He sounded cold, not his usual aggressive self….cold

“Sorry Baaba, I was in a meeting with my boss…” how I hate lying

“take your phone with you next time, I wanted to tell you your aunt passed away this morning……….”

I found my seat quick as my knees got weak. There is only one of my aunts that is terminally ill, aunt Aisha….dear lord help me. “Baaba is it aunt Aisha?” i said with tears streaming down my cheeks.

“Yes………"

I didn’t know what happened after what he said, just heard the call ended

Did he say something else? I stayed glued to the phone for a really long time, or so it seemed. I didn’t know what to do

I felt pain, excruciating pain in my chest……that was when it all came out. I started crying

Crying really loud, my body quivering….I felt cold, confused and hurt

I can’t handle this, Ya Allah….I can’t

I kept mumbling “Inna-lillahi-wa-inna-ilaihi-rajiun” while I cried

Ya rabbi make this pain go away, I want it to go away…..

My phone rang and cut for the first time….then I thought it could be Sultan, so I picked it up the second time

“Hello Manny, sorry I can’t make it to lunch break today….there is so….”

Hearing his voice made me break down the more

“Hey Manny, baby what is wrong?” He said rushing the words out

Nothing from my side, just the sound of my heaving….

“Manny please talk to me…”

“Sultan Aunty Aisha….she is….she is gone”

“What do you mean she is gone….Manal, you mean she is gone? Inna-lillahi-wa-inna-ilaihi-rajiun……listen, I will come get you now” and the line went dead.

*********************************************************************************************************

The drive back home was painfully quiet and I wish it were different. Sultan kept talking at first but I couldn’t bring myself to answer him. I guess some of us pass out pain through tears…really hot tears!

“Manal please stop crying this way, you’re getting me really worried….crying won’t bring her back. What she needs right now is your prayers. Aunty Aisha was a really good person and I am sure she is in a better place……”

then I zoned out. I have heard these words over and over again when people died but they have never sounded so bitter to me, so unappealing like they sounded then. I kept looking out the window, not paying attention to any of the details out, just engulfed in my own thoughts. I guess Sultan kept talking until he decided it wasn’t doing any good, and let me be.

we arrived home and silently made way to our apartment. Sultan used his access card to open the door and we all got in, both of us going our separate ways.

On entering the room, I realised my head hurts real bad. I wish I could stop the tears from flowing. I fell flat on my bed and started crying afresh.

“Manal, please get yourself together, you are hurting yourself….” I woke up confused, looking at Sultan standing over me. I sighed and landed my head back on the bed, realising the situation. the pain had gone a little while I napped. Sultan brough his hand down to my forehead and gasped “ ok thats enough….your temperature is up” he said with a very serious face. he saw my face and quickly hugged me. he figured i was going to start crying again “shhhhh…please Manal, it is enough. It is going to be ok baby, everything will be ok in sha Allah” I hugged him back and finally found my voice

“she is…..she was everything to me Sultan, who will I lean on now? Who is going to guide me through? I feel pain Sultan, I feel confused. I am so used to her being around that I don’t know how to start living without her….” he listened to my cries without saying anything. I talked while tears rolled down and Sultan stayed still hugging me

“Ok Manal, I get that she was everything to you. I feel part of your pain too, she was like a mom to all of us…..” I looked up to him

“she was not like sultan….she was my mother” I said interrupting him

Sultan sighed and continued “the point is you’re a muslim manal…and you know the teaching of our prophet (SAW) is to take anything that happens to us with good faith. Allah knows why he took her and he loves her more than you. Please, I don’t ever want to hear you saying you don’t know how to live without anyone. You can live without anyone so far you have Allah. Please Manal, I know you feel pain, I do too. We are human and we lost someone. But we have to take it with good faith. The best thing we can do is to pray for her. ok?” He tilted my head back to look at my face

I nodded “ ok”

I have to admit I feel a little bit better

“now I want you to get off this bed, say your prayers, you see it is asr already and you haven’t prayed zuhr. Pray hard for her and best believe she is in a better place in sha Allah. Then you go eat, I have ordered your favourite pizza…I will pardon you for today. I have to go back to the office and finish up some stuff…I told them I’m going back. Manny please I don’t want to come back and see you in this situation again.”

I nodded

“good girl” he said while letting go of me.

I got off the bed and made my way to perform ablution while Sultan exited the room.

After I have prayed zuhr and asr…I sat there on the mat and supplicated and I cried and I supplicated for my Aunty Aisha. I felt better after praying. I still cant believe she is gone.

After diagnosing her with acute leukaemia, I knew she had a very narrow chance of survival because of how fast it had gotten worse. Her husband had tried with the very little he had to no avail…her condition kept getting worse. I knew this news was always coming, but it caught me off guard..but then again, death does not send a memo.

I walked to the bed and got my phone from my bag…I expected tons of missed calls which I’m right about. Relatives, family friends, friends……..acquaintances

I stopped to look at the mirror on my way out of the room. I looked sick…. swollen red eyes, pale skin. I can’t believe so much has happened in just one day.

I sat on the kitchen stool while my pizza heated in the oven. I took my phone to call my dad but decided against it, i will deal with that later. i do not have appetite whatsoever but I need to eat for my baby’s sake.

I was halfway through my pizza when my phone started ringing and I picked rolling my eyes “Hello….” Farida’s voice came up

“Manal, oh dear I hope you’re ok. Im just hearing it now…..”

My eyes started stinging…the tears are coming, but I have decided that is enough for today so i held them back. “Yes I think i am ok for now.” I said smiling while dropping the half slice of pizza i was holding.

“If you ever need anyone to talk to you know i am here right?” I nodded as if she could see me and answered “yes”

“Well aren’t you coming? at least it will make you feel better when you come home”

I stayed silent for a while before answering “Of course i am, but i haven’t discussed it with sultan yet. I will let you know when I do in Sha Allah.” She gave me her condolences and comforting words. Trust my best friend to always make me feel better. Farida hung up and I was about to get up when I heard Sultan’s voice “where do you think you’re going? finish it up”

“thanks for startling me Mr.” i said rolling my eyes “ I ate a lot and I’m not having more” i said with resolve

Sultan knew better than to argue so he let it go.

“you are back early” I said

“yeah, I just rounded up what i had started”

“ok. That was farida….she asked when I will be going home” I said studying his expression

“Ok, when do you want to go? But it needs to be after your appointment”

I looked at him wide eyed “that is not due for another 5 days Sultan..there are doctors in nigeria. i will be fine”

He was looking at me with a deadly stare, oh God, he is not having this

“please sultan, i don’t want to argue about this. I want to go home” I said studying his face

“Manal you are going home after your appointment and that is final” he said exiting the kitchen. I don’t know why he is being so difficult. I don’t see the harm in skipping one appointment. I am doing fine and he knows it. A very huge lump came to my throat and I decided this isn’t the time to cry. I put the remaining pizza in the fridge and went to the living room. Sultan is talking to someone on the phone with a very low voice but i could decipher some things….I don’t normally eavesdrop, believe me

“……..she is being difficult……I don’t want anything to upset her or the baby’s health. I know Mami, but……….”

ok he is talking to his mum. I had had enough. Why would he tell his mum about this like it is a big deal. If i don’t act soon, we are getting into a huge fight.

I went into the room to pray maghrib and have some peace. I was supplicating when sultan came in, looking for something in the closet. I finished my prayer at the same time he was exiting the room and I dragged him back holding his hand.

“why are you making this a big deal?” he looked at me like i was out of my mind

“Manal please, you heard what the doctor said….the fear of losing this child is traumatising. I don’t understand why you are taking this lightly.”

“I am not, I know i am fine now thats why” I said smiling

“But thats ok,I will wait till after my appointment”

his face relaxed a little bit after that. He smiled back at me nodding

“I think i need some air, do you want to come?”

“yes, just a minute”

So i told him about the whole phone call with my dad as we strolled and he listened, something he is not so good at. he said at the end of my narrative “you know I hope and pray you will stop letting him have that effect on you some day. you deserve to let that part of you go, to feel free” he said stopping

“I pray so too, I’m trying”

Water gushing, surrounded by beautiful plants, mostly colorful and a little green. Vegetables and fruits Gardens, hut houses with white settings. Peaceful families that are all friends and I am a mother of four. Advanced technology, that neither distracts us, nor makes us vain. A good man and strong faith.

No, don't let it consume you. You can shine honey, if you live. Let it all out, don't hold it in for it could choke you. Let your voice be heard, let your bravery soar, let that inner beauty out.It is there, part of you, hell, it is what makes you. You just need to let loose, let that part of you out, explore every part of it and you will see how far being courageous gets you. You just need to let loose, let that part of you out, explore every part of it and you will see how far being courageous gets you. You can’t hide forever, you cant live in the shadows of others, and you cannot shun that inner flame for the rest of your life. Let it burn, ignite it if you must, but be courageous by all means.

Eyes brimming with tears, I wondered, where is the humanity

Buried deep underneath the debris, shattered by strikes from drones 

Far, it has gone into the wilds

Captured by worst of animals, greed and selfishness

Where is the humanity, I pondered

The moon up high surrounded by the stars, man snoring

Where is the humanity, I screamed 

Cries deafening my stretched membrane, of children far away

Where is the humanity, I whispered 

Nose holes closed, stench of claret nauseating