Saying No
I'm sitting on the rock
It's still cold and jagged like I remember
Do you remember this rock?
The water pulses
And the gnats float above the tiny waves
The pond is silent
Just like it was the night
You ripped my clothes off
Grabbed at my chest
And stuck your tongue down my throat
While I tried not to cry
Do you remember this rock?
You shoved my body against it
And knocked the phone out of my hand
When my mother asked where I was
The screams rattled around in an empty chest
Because you took my heart
And threw it on the ground
You demolished my soul
You drowned it in the lake
As the trees watched in horror
And soaked up my tears
From the cold dirt ground
I tried to open my mouth to shriek for help
But I was too stunned
Confused
Hurt
"Why didn't you say no?"
I did
I did say no
I cried no
But every time I said it
He would shove his tongue deeper
And wrap his hands around my neck
A little tighter
I begged for him to stop
But all he cared about
Was his unsatiable urges
And the breasts that he had grabbed
In his calloused hands
I am scarred
We shoved each other
And I even bit your tongue
So desperate to make you stop
The night was still
Your voice whispered in my ear
Let go and trust me trust me
Every time I think of that I shudder
Remembering this is my nightmare
I hope you live with the guilt
But I know
That I should forgive you
For your mistakes
No matter how despicable
Maybe not today
But eventually I will
I threw away the shirt
The one I was wearing that night
Because every time I looked at it
My eyes stung
And my heart thudded faster
We were talking about mermaids
How the fish dancing in the lake
Looked like mermaids to me
When you grabbed me for the first time
Now the dark scares me
The beautiful soft night is cruel
In my bright green eyes
And the thought of a beautiful woman
In the sea
With the tail of a fish
Is no longer enchanting
Or mystical
It's disturbing and painful
And makes me cry in my sleep
I will never forget that night
Throughout high school
My body trembled at the thought of you
And at the thought of kissing any mouth
Kissing is meant to be a symbol of love
Trust
Loyalty
But for you it meant lust
You tried to drag me into the woods
And when I ran you came after me
Now I find myself running away from problems
Because I am too afraid
To look them in the goddamn eye
It took years of music
Singing
Walking
Talking
And tears
Just to get over you
To forget what you did
And to leave your face in the past
But the desperation in my tears
Right now
Five years later
Tells me that I'm still not over it
And maybe I never will be
Do you remember this rock?
Every time I sit on it
I think of you and what you did
And I hope you do the same