Willing

You were holding a gun.

The gun i let you have.

Regret had already pooled in the pit of my stomach. It seemed my subconscious knew before I did. It knew what a mistake I was about to make. I lifted your hand until I felt the icy steel touch my forehead. Naivety started screaming out of nowhere, a shrieking cry that made my chest tighten painfully. He began to beg me, begging me to ask you to put down the gun. He cried with an innocence so pure, it made my throat tighten painfully. Do you remember crying that way? Crying with no remorse? He urged me to remind you, remind you of everything we’ve been through. He said everything would go back to how it was in the beginning. He vowed that he would make it his responsibilty for me to forget this ever happened. He said he would force me to forgive you.

I didn’t dare mutter a word, afraid he would make himself known. Instead I shut my eyes knowing how expressive they tend to be. But, Naivety was fighting to be noticed, yelling for self-preservation. In his fight, he forced a single tear to escape the corner of my eye, then another and another, until a waterfall of tears began to gush out. My lips trembled as I wept for you. Naivety let hope bloom in his heart. Sobs turned into occasional hiccups. Sadness turned into anticipation. He figured that if you saw how much you were hurting

me, you would put the gun down. You didn’t.

You let out a chuckle and asked me why I was crying. Your words struck Naivety so deeply, he left. He turned his back on you and left. You didn’t know it then, but that was your last chance for remorse because,“Pride goeth before the fall” right?

Where Naivety left, Pride came in. Pride forced me to look you in the eye so that you would never forget your biggest mistake. He gripped my throat in a tight hold in order to silence my foolish wails. Pride was angry with me then, he was angry that I would let Naivety come out at a time like this. Then, Anger came. Relief flooded me.

Anger dried my tears with soft,tender pats. She caressed my shoulders and whispered words of assurance into my neck. She held my face with a familiar delicacy that I had forgotten to miss. She asked me if she could move back in and before i could say yes, you started laughing. Your gun still pointing at me yet you were hunched over laughing. You began mocking her, saying that there was nothing she could ever do. You humiliated her.

She had gazed at you with revenge in her eyes, yet you continued to taunt her.

She smiled softly into the vacancy of your soul. Bearing eyes of steel, a soul forged with the flames of betrayal, she narrowed her gaze and asked if you were sure that this was the path you wanted to take.

You carried a certain stench with you that night made up of Arrogance and Pride. They pulled the trigger before you could answer. Anger introduced you to her cunning smile that was a stranger to you. Still high off your Arrogance and Pride, you did not react when she clawed the bullet from my forehead. One more for the collection she said. With that I welcomed her once more. The familiar burn draped over me so softly. Trickles of heat followed her every touch. By now you had left, only the lingering smell of your transgressions left behind. Anger wasted no time, she had begun her work, muttering all your wrongdoings in my ready ear. It’s not your fault she repeated over and over.

Yes! Yes!

Her heat burning through me, preparing me to wreck havoc all over again.

Then, as fast as she came she was gone.

Sadness was not welcomed yet she was still here. A slap of reality.

You have to feel this she claimed.

This time it was I that was begging for mercy. I dont want to feel this. Please. No.

Somewhere deep and profound I could feel her heat. But, it was out of reach. My heart clenched in agony, a pain that i hadn’t felt before. My knees met the ground but the hurt in my soul was greater. You won’t have a chance if you don’t feel this, she insisted. I was cold.The kind of cold that chills you to the bone and you cant move because of the pain that it causes. Stop this. I don’t want this. Please. All i felt was a void. A void full of angst and black and hurt. I felt the hurt in my mind, heart, and soul. The void was everywhere.

She had no mercy.

Anger came with the heat of a thousand suns’ damning Sadness back to where she came from. Her eyes ablaze with fury. She asked one question.

Are you willing?

I said yes

This is who I am in the end.