a system,

an expanse of pure serenity,

who used to breathe peace and contentment,

who used to hold itself in the chains of stoicism,

who used to believe in the renditions of the universe,

why does it now crave an indomitable spirit?

it stayed back, it was uncertain.

in the subtle corner of insecurities,

it accepted its seclusion with quiet surrender.

it all commenced with a disastrous decision.

entropy, the degree of randomness of a system,

a system, myself. not so closed, but isolated.

i typically raised the temperature and checked,

the system was disrupted, on the contrary.

thought the burnt soul loves fire,

its flame diminished the former glow.

kinetics showed how time takes its toll on the system,

slowly interfering, rapidly damping.

how reserved i was, how hustled i am.

have faith, hell and heaven are not found in maps.

the creator created rooms,

the empty ones seem large

like the heart. several visitors arrive,

why should the system greet them all?

the crowd of dark thoughts and malice,

the noise of joys, you exhaust this system.

the idea of ‘it might be’ is secure for mere speculation.

the reality, maybe it does not exist, even if it does,

sometimes, the facts appear stranger than

the fantasies, i believed.

this system is disillusioned

with the hypocrisy of the world,

how easy it is to put an empty hand,

how easy to fabricate an estranged relationship,

how easy to peel a tangerine and

adore a sun, both of the same color.

all i needed was a rapprochement,

a healing touch, i wanted to be

clasped tight so that i would not break.

i was hoping against hope

to resuscitate a precious bond,

but it’s just regret that lingers

in the thick silence placed between our bodies.

i knew i was dying,

something in me said, “go ahead,

the abode of the spirits of the damned

are holding back their horses.”

something else in me also popped up,

“you need some interaction to cause the transition.”

they had made me a picture,

it took me my life to come out of the frame.

i choose to move ahead,

the vast expanse waits for me,

to elicit the undeniable passion within me.

my heavy heart seems lighter than our fantasy.

as if the asymptote just met its hyperbola.

I stifled to smile. Though there were showers of appreciation, my empty heart had tons of weight; weight, not of blood but stress. The arteries, at a point, seemed to prohibit the flow of oxygen. The lungs could not believe the oxygen had combined with my carbonated acids to fuel my tiring energy. The brain was continuous, driving its wheels on a friction-less road. The eyes had forgotten how to shut them. The fingers knew just the method to stitch a cut, not chew a bite.

The pandemic had not left my family untouched. My parents breathed their last; it was not painless to carry one’s kid to the death bed. However, I could not pluck up the courage for a tear to fall off my cheeks. When the strain shattered into trains of rainy-brainy claim, I heard the sound of a loud heartbreak.

Silence had engulfed the life and soul of the party. The lockdown outside and downside inside had not the strength to stretch me out on the bed. Once it did, the pillow was nothing more than my tear-bin. The far-settled brother with whom I had played the craziest games craved for a beat in his heart. I dreamt of his well-being. People dreamt while sleeping; my dreams did not let me sleep.

The days appeared longer and the silent nights sounded deeper. The sun never rose nor did the moon show his grace. The stars in the sky twinkled for the motion of the eyes that closed. It had been exhausting to toil the whole day and lose individuals.

Neither the disease had any cure nor the patients could meet their loved ones; both physical and emotional support was extracted from the process. Not for long could the doctors like me prevent demise. Amid the world was enjoying the scenes of vulnerable tigers in the city, we were saving the vulnerable human species in the hospital and beyond.

People say, “We have found God in you, doctor.”. That puts incredible intimidation on us. They created God and the factions therein. And, I was not the only one entitled to enact the one who created us all. Look for God in those miniature creatures, I say. The next moment, I suspected those creatures harbor the deadly microbes for our decay.

My husband was my backbone, who romanticized me like royal fantasies. Might he not bring me the expensive fancies, a bear hug was enough to grab my dismay and kill it there itself. I had neither bungalows nor jewels; a pretty sparkle in his eyes could envelop me in the circle of exhilaration and liberty.

However, he neither hugged nor looked at me; I was a doctor with the smell and look of a terrible patient. The people outside scattered flowers in our respect; my family was frightened if I carried God’s call.

One moment was sufficient to apprise me; moments do not last more than moments; nor did the happy ones. The age of creating memories has entered the era of cherishing them. The strings of my nervous system disintegrated. The vessels in my circulatory system choked.

I died in the arms of my husband. That was a new scene to me. The globe cycled the absolute lifecycle. Things around me struck me as one among them. People sobbed and mourned. My countenance could haunt my husband in repentance. It is true that the dead receive more flowers than the living because regret is more powerful than gratitude.

My dreams from their sleep speak to me, "these are the fantasies that have come true.". I could watch my daughter smiling at me. I was ashamed of myself; I caused my daughter to cease. My daughter exclaimed, "Mom, I would have never realized this before I reached almighty's home; I am proud of you.".

It took me an instant to comprehend the prescriptions for my admission to the universe's most beautiful hospital. Now, I have no worries, not a single irritating patient to clutch my head for. I agree we run in a similar parallel world. For a scientific creature like me who never had faith in God, I am amazed at my unknowingness. There are bundles of subjects to unlearn and learn.

Similarly, another significant part was a secret from me - the subtle distance between pleasure and anguish. Angels from the kingdom wished and welcomed me into a scenario where I could worship the tiny bits of the planet.

The only grudges I held were against me. My daughter put them in front of me and articulated, “Had it not been a pandemic, we would have stayed happily forever. It, at every single step, posed a thousand troubles in the front. You, being the frontline worker had the responsibility of the entire community. That tremendous pressure, we might never retain. You continued to move on. Though you were overwhelmed, it was your patients and family that kept you going.

Be there be hundreds of misinterpretations and apprehension, we believe in you. Since you have entered another parallel universe, you can observe the respect delivered to you even here. We understand we can not live in your space. Nor you can. I never blamed you for my ruin, rather I am proud to sacrifice my existence for a human discovery that is bound to happen.

You have played your role. Witness the positive results of your activities. Smile.”

Following was a flurry of blossoms on our charming reconciliation. Puzzled at my state, I reached out to God. I did not decide what to speak; he did.

“You must be concerned for your people on the Earth. Have a glimpse.”

Such a mysterious experience, I had not uncovered before. I could see a patient of mine in the ICU. I hoped to run and support him. On the streets was a child crying from hunger. An old lady was barefoot on the road and had just been rescued from a horrible accident. My house was being sold and my husband shifted to his village; lonesome. My colleagues had the same workout. The only distinction that hit aloud was the Prime Minister’s resignation.

The situation had been worse. Medical cases on rising and poor treatment facilities were open testimonials. A dreadful frustration had always flustered me; it emerged today.

“Your honor, if you forged tribulations, why did you not render people, the strength to confront them? Those weary faces and dull hearts, do they please you? I have never believed in you; I do now. If I have done one noble deed in my life, restore all your powers and sprinkle doses of satisfaction on the needy souls.”

I suffered even greater frustration when he laughed at my questions.

“Darling, if I am to ask you if you are satisfied, you have a straight answer, i.e., no. I pave paths for survival, not the strategies to move on that path. You may move on your legs or hands; both will pain after a while.

Life is not a bed of roses, some earthlings say. I would say, it is not even a bed. It is the roof over your bed that is cultivated through hard work and dedication. Well, some people ask for a roof too.

The whole sky is your roof. Fly up until you catch me. The elements of nature would regard your efforts and the wind would halt to speak, “Your glow has extinguished the blaze of the sun.” There have been quite intellectuals; I never found any of them to be satisfied in the core.

All are my children; I do not lay troubles unknowingly. You carry an umbrella to protect you from rain not to stop the rain. Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. The deeper the sorrow carves in your being, the more joy you can contain. Such simple is the theory; humans forked the whole tale into variables.

Talking about the pandemic, I thought humans needed a break from those soulless practices. However, again, humans chose to walk inverted on hands. It will hurt more lavish.

Tatter off those self-grudges; life might be more leisurely.”

While some went off my head, I perceived the genuine essence of the distance between pleasure and anguish - attitude. Some things are better introduced when we meet some unknown or one who knows more about us than we know about them; God. In the hush and rush of the busy international circle, I discovered serenity and calm composure. My service did matter and I was not mere blood and flesh in a corner.

Somewhere in the unconscious condition, my loved ones continue to be my mount. I still find myself in my husband’s dreams guiding him to peace and satisfaction. I persist to be a member of God’s empire; hoping to be reborn as a sensible human.

I smiled forever.

A Blessed Doctor,

From Heaven