Some days it feels like I’m watching my life on tv

Though I know it’s mine I feel so disconnected, as if it was someone else on the screen

With everything I do being so scripted it’s hard to find my way back

But I’ll keep fighting til my realities reconnect

I’d rather talk about something deep

Than the weather or work

But the conversation has already run away

By the time my words get the courage

To express themselves

And I don’t have the confidence

To push myself into the fray

Unless a clear opening appears

Getting help

Can be the hardest part

Of recovering

Nobody likes to admit problems

They can barely face themselves

Falling apart so I push people away

Just by not having the energy to try

But having the wonderful friends I do

They understand that sometimes

I just need them to do the talking

While I just exist in their presence

You mean the world to me in all regards

But your empty promises have gone too far

So I’m cutting you out so we can pick up the pieces

Give us some time to decide what together means to us

Because being family is not always a pass

Those that share blood can often be the most crass

I haven’t hurt myself in long time

But sometimes the urge pops up

And I remember the bite of steel into skin

Leaving the acrid smell of iron

Or it burn of rope holding back air

As all thoughts would slowly leave my head

I feel like I manage my dark side better now

Even though it’s just below the surface

Clawing violently to take back control

I want us to move forward, but I am honestly afraid to even ask

Both of us seem to be stuck in our own delusions, with a catalyst of our past

Neither of us are perfect and we need to face our faults

But you have hurt more than everyone, and I won’t back down from what I need

I can’t let people abuse me anymore, no matter who they are

And maybe someday we will be able to bring up our past again, but for now I have to leave it behind

I didn’t ask for much, just a little understanding

I needed you to accept that you hurt me

That I wasn’t crazy to think that the things you had done to me were wrong

And that asking for better was something that I should have done long ago

I needed you to promise not to hurt me anymore

And not just physically but with you words too

Because until then I wouldn’t be able to move on from our past

Though these should have been easy to accept if you truly believed that we could move forward

You made me feel like a fool for ever asking

Acted like I was overreacting to want to be treated right

And claimed that it was too much to ask of anyone

And it broke me

Let’s make you sick

But don’t you worry

It’s to help you in the end

Because the nausea is just a side effect

And the blackouts will be rare

But even if they weren’t

It’s far better than what would happen

If you chose to opt out of treatment

I just want to feel complete again

And despite your best efforts

You cannot seem to fill the void

That had been tearing me apart

For as long as I can remember

Being loved is an amazing thing

That helps to heal some of the cracks

Splitting my soul into jagged shards

But it cannot fix everything

Despite how much I want it to

Even on my best day

These nagging feelings of dread

Seems to loom over everything

And no matter how happy I become

Depression never seems to go away