Should’ve Known
I should’ve known something was off way before
Before the months of silence
When i hid that blade in the drawer
Before the thoughts of violence
When I held my breath imagining being no more
I should’ve known I was not okay
Before I was completely helpless
When I could almost make it through the day
Without being hopeless
Imagining from this life, a get away
But I told myself it’ll get better
If only I knew it would just get worse
I would have wrote my parents that letter
Before I started eyeing the pills in my purse
But I thought I could handle it
No need to worry anyone else
But boy was I wrong
I almost killed myself
All because my pride said not to speak up
And all along my brain said give up
My weak silence has me fed up
No longer afraid I will speak up
Not because I want to
But because I need to
To save the others who have a plan
Keep their idea of their end at hand
As hard as it might be
Speak to someone, you might see
Not what you lack but what you have
You have nothing to lose
Reach your hand out, you’d be surprised who all grabs
To lift you back up and tell you your worth
You’d be amazed by the support you have
Now maybe your thinking who?
No one loves or cares about you
I am here, that is not the case
Together this battle we’ll face
Twisted Road
There was a road that twisted and turned
Sometimes asking for too much in return
Yet somehow I managed to stay with the bends
I Gave it my all with nothing left to lend
On that same winding road now
my heart pounds, I am found
With you close by my side, I know I'm not alone
This twisted road led me home
Given a couple of pills and sent on my way
Told to keep going, live another day
As if getting a prescription filled
And a little bit of strong will
Will grant a better tomorrow
You think I haven't tried to push through the sorrow
I feel like I'm being told I've made a huge mistake
To just surrender and fall into God's grace
As if letting others see me stumble
Means my faith has ultimately crumbled
It is quite the opposite in fact
Showing me what I lack
This depression never fails to remind me
That in my deepest darkest hole I find me
Because grace fills the gap between
Strengthens faith in things unseen
Close Minded
Trapped between these four walls
Forget to look past it all
outside of me there's so much more
Separate lives just beyond these doors
But my mind can't see past these eyes
Past these internal lies
selfish thoughts have me blinded
Purpose out of Focus, close minded
Who said there is something in it for me
Is it not enough to just be
Or what if I made a difference in a single life
That should be more than enough for this strife
No one ever said it'd be my own
No one ever promised I wouldn't do it alone
Yet I name what I deserve
Stray then complain when I hit a curve
Blasphemy
I'm told not to fear
but I always end up here
lying on the ground
surrounded by my own hearts beating sound
because I fear what I've become
To far gone to be loved
I hear my mind think these words
and I think blasphemy
the slithering devil must be after me because his grace is enough
no matter my lack there of
there is always his love
how can this be possible
Such unfailing love seems implausible
Because my hands are covered in what I've done
but then I remember his son's
hands
with holes, dripping blood
Haze
Got drunk
And went to bed
Escaped from this head
Tomorrow will come
Tonight a haze
A one day
Getaway
From all this pain
That has me insane
I don't know me
From this perplexity
A struggle between
Guilt and sorrow
Constant searching
a reason for tomorrow
Wishing these thoughts
I hadn't borrowed
From the lies
In this mind
That lead me
Blind