A taste so bitter, yet so sweet. Will keep you crawling on your knees. I'm no longer a want I'm a need. I've successfully planted my seed. And it will grow all throughout you, in every vein, every breath, every heart beat....I will devour you. I'm your drink, I'm your food, morning, night, and noon. You will realize soon. I can't live without you....but you wouldn't dream of letting me go, I'm your every thought, I'm embedded in your soul. You'd give up everything for me, your house, your car, even your family. You and I are one in the same; I am melting all over your brain. I have your DNA, even your name. I hope you are enjoying the game, I promise your life will never be the same. I take you higher than anyone has before, tell me I'm the one you adore. You need more and more and more. You need me so bad you're sore. You are sick to your stomach. You sweat and you vomit. All you need is me. I'll set you free. I'll be your one and only.

-ADDICTION

It comes in waves, flowing in and out, following the rhythm of the current. It crashes over me, and the waves are always cold. They freeze and they numb me, everytime they hit ; deep within my soul.

I feel it, and I’m forced to stare it right in its eyes.

The grief; that is all I’m left with in place of you.

The memories now hold sorrow, instead of joy.

It will always feel empty, and I will always have this void.

This black hole, where my love for you is forced to sit, but on occasion

Spirals out of control.

Even in your death I am helpless.

Look at this mess, it was never supposed to be like this.

We were born overcomers and chain breakers, it was our destiny. But for now it will just have to be my own.

Sometimes I get so angry, because you’ve left me alone.

But then in a moments time I realize, this only comes in waves.

And there are seconds when the ocean retracts and leave me to myself…that I am reminded storms only last for so long. That the warmth I feel when the waves are gone, will surely get me through the next one.

Some of us are lucky enough to have siblings. And if you are then that's a gift you will surely hold close to you. They are more than that, though. Siblings are the people who help write your story in life of, who you are and who you want to be. They are your very first set of best friends and sometimes can feel like your enemies. They have grown with you, watching you even more closely than your parents have. They know all of your secrets. All of the good and the bad, and especially the ugly. They are the people who see the truth in who we are and still love us unconditionally. They are there, always. Until, they aren't. This is a story of how I lost my baby sister.

Kassidey Lynn is the baby of our family. There are four of us. There is big brother Dayus, the one who roughed us up as if we were his younger brothers because, unfortunately he never got any. The eldest, the protector of his three baby sisters. Next in line we have Jailyn, the eldest girl. Who might as well have been a boy. She is rough and tough and will fight anyone lol. She is very intelligent. The kind thats borderline crazy, like Einstein. Coming in third, which is kind of funny given I feel I come third in many things in my life, is Me. Kinleigh. I am the "middle" child if a group of four can even have a middle. I'm the middle girl. I am strong. I am handed a lot of the family's problems to handle. I don't mind though. It's just part of who I am, since I wasn't given much of a choice. Then, coming in last but certainly not least...Kassidey. Oh what can I say, the baby girl. Dad's apple in his eye, or whatever. And Mom's well we aren't exactly sure, but thats a story for another time. I didn't mind scooting over for this caboose. She was my twin really. We were the same height for most of our lives until she finally passed me up. People often mistook us for twins. We could not have been more opposite though. She was fire and I was ice. She stood up for herself and those she loved and well, I was a push over. She had balls, and dared to test the limits, while I was reserved and played everything out carefully with thought. I admired her energy. We truly became best friends. We were the closest in age and in relationship. We did everything together. Even when we grew up we lived together not once, but twice. She knew me the most, all of the dark twisted things that we usually don't allow anyone to see, she saw and she loved me and encouraged me anyway. She called me her rock, when truly we were each other's. I hope she realized I needed her just as much as she needed me.

So, I know this is long and you want answers. Well, how did she pass? And, I promise, I will get to that. Just hang in there. Fast forward I meet Brett, my soulmate. I am sure of it. We could not fit together any better. Piece by piece, he completes me perfectly. He got a job, and offered me to move out of our home state with him. I was petrified I had never lived outside of the state. I was also small town raised, so imagine living anywhere other than your home. (SCARY) Well, he convinced me. And so we went. Off to Nebraska. Yes, lots and lots of corn. I was living with Kass before we moved, and I remember telling her I was moving and how far. And she begged me not to leave her. I always told her we will grow up and move away at some point. It is all part of life. She hated the idea of us not being together and I did too, but I was also excited.

Little, did I know what was gonna happen next...She was struggling with addiction. And I didn't even see it. How could I not see it?? I knew something was off with her..but could never pin point it. She was good at hiding it too..So I can't beat myself up too bad. Now that I knew even though I lived far away, I did my best to help her. I encouraged her. I told her how much me and God loved her and that she would get through this. Only, she didn't. One morning, my dad tried calling me. I started using "bedtime" on my phone so it was silenced...So Brett's phone rang. It was 5:00am....nothing happening that early is good. So he talks to my dad. And says the word "unresponsive"...he then hangs up looks at me and says, "Your dad says Kassidey was found unresponsive this morning." I said what does that mean? I knew what it meant. I was in shock. I prayed harder than I've ever prayed in my life..until my dad called me back and said the words, "She's gone." Words that would stop me in my tracks and push me into further shock. I wasn't even crying. I did not want to believe that my baby sister was gone. She couldn't be...she is supposed to be here for everything. For my wedding, for my children, for my grandchildren. And what about all of her things too? She hasn't done those things yet. So she can't be gone, she isn't done. She will always be 23. I told her for her birthday that is was her Jordan year. And everything was gonna be great. Everything would fall into place in her life. I had no idea her life would end. I am lost more than ever. I am coping and dealing, but there are days where I sit here and think, she isn't gone there is no way. She is my sister, and siblings don't leave you not until your old and gray. Right?

I have learned in her death, not to take anyone or thing for granted. I never really did, but now I make it a point to let everyone know I love them. Because we all think we are invincible. That death won't knock on our door, or the door of someone we love. The truth is, its inevitable. You are not spared from pain in this life. I know you hear this, but don't ever forget or think that it cannot and will not happen to you or someone you love. Those are just the facts. Love hard, live bigger. It's not a matter of if, it's always been a matter of when.