Life never promises to be easy, never to be gentle, never to be fair. It tosses and turns like the waves, deep into the middle of the ocean. My head being submerged until I can no longer bring myself to gasp for air. Drifting

Down,

Down,

Down.

But life never promised to be fair, to be gentle, to be easy. You begin and end this life with a singular breath. Inhale, exhale. But everything in between? It’s uncharted territory. Lefts and rights. Ups and downs. Genuine laughs and uncontrollable tears. Love and loss. The tears flow down my face, and yet, no one is there to wipe them… So they gather at the base of my chin.

Dripping

Down,

Down,

Down.

Although, life never promised to be gentle, to be fair, to be easy. She delivered us all into the middle of a labyrinth, destining us to a lifetime of trying to unearth the map while we fumble our way through. The perfect game. I keep losing my sense of direction. Blindly hurling myself through the never ending maze. The wind and branches whipping through what tattered clothes remain, un-clinging themselves from my skin.

Dropping

Down,

Down,

Down.

This life never promised to be easy, to be fair, to be gentle. But she did promise one thing. Finite time. I guess it’s up to me to figure out what to do with it. Clocks ticking, days passing, seasons changing. She moves. Never too fast, never too slow… But she moves. And when my time comes, and the promise of finite moments is fulfilled,

She will carry me

On,

On,

On.

There was nothing quite like the sound of that darkness. Completely secluded from the world, miles down a vacant dirt road, deep into my very own universe. The tops of the trees surrounding me seemingly caressing the night sky as they disappeared into the thick clouds above. The fresh scent of rain and pine needles awakening my senses and sending my mind on a journey to reconnect with the part of my soul that longed to slow down and just be. For this night was mine, and mine alone. I began to wander down a familiar path, allowing my bare feet to sink into the damp earth until I came to a boulder overlooking a deep canyon. It was here that I claimed sanctuary. Uninterrupted by the white noise of my life which never seemed to falter. I caught myself gazing out into the endless expanse of darkness that lay just beyond the rock’s edge. Hues of black and gray as far as my eyes could see. My only company was the wind, as it gently glided across my skin. I began to let my eyelids grow heavy and my ears take over, surrendering myself to the whispers of nature. As I listened closely, I began to hear the cool breeze rustling through the pines and the distant thundering of the river thousands of feet below. Even my own heartbeat seemed louder now. The rising and falling of my chest echoing through the canyon. All of the sounds cutting through the pitch black night as the forest came alive. It was the perfect symphony just begging to be heard. The sounds of darkness calling out to me because I had dared to take the time to stop and listen.

I watched... as the Arizona sky was set ablaze with hues of pink and gold. The sun, dipping behind the mountains, growing smaller and smaller with each passing moment. She was being called home, just as I had been. And just like her, I knew I would return again, in due time. But in that moment, as the sky slowly faded to black, all I could do was stare out the window of an airplane and softly whisper to her, “Goodnight.”

Sometimes all it takes is a second to step away from the pain, anger, and frustrations of life and just listen to the sounds of nature. Its heart pouring out to you in a perfectly arranged song. Everything seems so much simpler from up here. Sitting alone on a curb, tucked away in a mountain, overlooking the city. Embracing the moment and allowing my hair run across my face as the wind billows through the valley. Completely and utterly in tune with nature and myself. Watching the street lights change from green, to yellow, to red. The city lights almost glittering in the still night. I wanted more. I wanted to run wild in the world, to fall in love far from home, I just wanted to live. To soak up every second I have on this earth and use my time to make a difference...Maybe even impact someone’s life for the better. But I would never know unless I picked myself up off that curb and dared to leave it all behind. Mustering up all of my courage and letting go of the things and people who held me back. I needed to let go of the man who still had a piece of my heart and take the chance that I would find it elsewhere...In the arms of a life that was completely my own.

I remember the way it felt knowing that when your eyes met mine, it was the last I’d see of them. You shut that door and didn’t care to look back. Every memory of you wiped from my mind as some small favor to myself from the inner workings of my own conscious.

All but that single moment.

But I don’t want to write about heartbreak anymore. I don’t want to have to look back on my life and realize it was all but written by the men who held my heart for a brief time. I’ve been strong for so long that I forgot how it felt to let it all in. To accept that up to this point my life has been an endless cycle of love and heartbreak. That I didn’t get a chance to write about how amazing life could be because I haven’t truly given myself the chance to live it alone. I want to do better, I want to be better. I only have so much time on this earth and I don’t want to live it for someone else anymore. I’m not scared to admit that I’m alone in this. I’ve been told so many times that “you only have yourself in the end”, and it took me so long to realize that it doesn’t mean you’re alone in the world.. it means that no matter where you go or who is by your side, you are the only person with you always. I accept myself for all that I am and all of the mistakes I’ve made. I choose to let myself be vulnerable because this life is too short to push people away. And most importantly, I trust that life can be magical and beautiful, but it’s only for those who choose to make it so.

She awoke to the slamming of a door and a half empty bed. The silence was deafening in the midst of his arrival. A quiet door open, a quiet sliding of fists over pillows, and a silent door slam. With each movement he made, he grew further and further from her ears. By the time he reached their kitchen, it was completely gone. The room went quiet and her mind took on a life of its own. Shut into her own personal hell of thoughts and feelings she couldn’t keep down any longer. So much being said, so much being felt, and all in the midst of complete and utter silence.

I watched the sunrise paint the sky this morning. Fresh memories of you still dancing through my subconscious as I try, in my still-half-asleep stupor, to convince myself you never left, that you’re here with me. Then reality shatters it. Your warm presence exists only in my dreams now. Just as my helplessness arises when I remember that it was only in my head. That moment when I have to be the one to break my own heart as I tell myself, “it was only a dream”.

I just want someone to get to know me. I want someone who can show enough interest in me to want to know every side of me. Someone who craves to hear about the darkest parts of myself. Nowadays, no one cares enough to know your last name. They want to lose themselves in meaningless sex only to wake up the next morning realizing that they still miss someone. Everyone is missing someone. Although some are better at hiding it than others...We long to get entangled with another in hopes of losing ourselves along the way. People will do anything to get rid of the pain. Countless distractions only masking our true intentions. The chemicals in our bodies acting upon lust instead of thought. We just want to feel something, but I don’t think that’s asking for too much. We long to be understood when we don't understand ourselves. We crave to feel alive when we have no idea how to live. I want someone to be interested in familiarizing themselves with me, not my body. I yearn for the innocent touch of another, honest and pure. I want to be the one that makes them forget that they were missing someone else, not for a night, but for a lifetime.

I wondered if she could breathe through the alcohol she was inhaling. If she could see through the tears slipping down her rosy cheeks. If she found the answers she was looking for at the bottom of that bottle. So many things I wondered as I looked at her. It was then that she turned to me, her lips forming upward in a smile, “I’m alright.” Her voice as shaky as her hands that she drunkenly assumed were out of my line of sight. But her eyes told me everything I needed to know. A soft brown, gazing back at me with an emptiness I hadn’t seen in a long time. Since the last time I had found her here. I so desperately wanted to believe her smile. It was in fact convincing, that is, to anyone who didn’t know her. But we had met before. Many times. I wondered if she remembered me. She so often forgot to reach out, to let me in. But no matter how much time had past, I always knew I’d see her again. I shook my head at her, my heart full of concern. If only she knew. If only she cared to wonder why it was always me who came to her in times of need. But it didn’t matter now.. I was all she had. Part of me wanted to scream at her. To make it known how neglected she made me feel. But instead, I took a deep breath, lifted my hand and gently placed it over hers. “You aren’t alright, but you will be”. Her eyes finally staring back into mine. Recognizing who exactly had been sitting in front of her the whole time, begging to be seen. And she smiled.. a real smile. While she peered into my dull brown eyes, a little less empty, but still familiar. And she smiled.