I waited today, for your call

A word from you would've been great

Maybe I'm not as important

As you made me seem

But still I wait

I think it's me

It's probably you

Or is it actually me?

Yeah, it's me

I think I think too much about you

When I need to be focusing on me

You're taking up too much room in my brain

But that's not your fault it's mine

And it's making me insane

I know I'm a handful

I know I'm a pain

But I've been there for you

When you were the same

So thanks for nothing

Yet Thanks for everything

You've shown me time and again

That we'll never be more than just friends

So keep your hearts

Your X's and O's

Keep your words- they are empty

I don't want the last rose

7:47am:

I don't even know what to say here. I write (here in this journal) every day, with the intentions of passing on some of my introspect to my daughter. I allow myself to be open; to express it all~ even my fears and failures. I wanted her to know about them, learn from them, grow from them.

And now today, as every other day (same time and window seat) I sit here, pen in hand unsure of how to express what is going on here. The world, (as we know it) is completely over; fantasy meets reality today~ I could actually laugh as I place these words on paper, except I am in a cold sweat and too frozen in fear to transfer anymore movement~

anymore than what is being used to write with my left hand.

8:21am:

If my daughter survives, I want her to know I didn't let fear get the best of me. One of life's lessons I verbally passed down to her, was to not let it take hold of you. We practiced this many times~ redirected our thoughts, approaching the situation with love, patience and consideration. These were things we enjoyed overcoming together. These are the times our bond grew.

I want her to know I stayed true to that, to the end. That her love is what kept me focused. And that I didn't let the bite get me right away....

If I would let fear seep into the wound, I wouldn't be able to react, or hold on to my sanity; nor would I be able to write this last journal entry.

And I will finish (as I do everyday).

8:46am:

I want her to know I tried all our options we discussed right after I locked our vault. I want her to know I did my best; but cutting off the bitten area of my hand didn't prevent the infection from spreading.... unfortunately.

9:03am:

Now... I don't have much time, not much time at all, in fact, though I know my brain can handle the critical thinking, I can feel it taking control of me; infecting one neurotransmitter at a time.

As we converse, I am fighting against this urge... the alterations of my behavior. I will not let fear take control over my body, nor will I let...

9: 14am:

That was a massive shift.... I am warding off the effects as long as I can. For research purposes, I theorize that the transmission and take over of the zombie parasites can be fought of (buying some time for the host) with strong mental capabilities. Let's list....(stay focused).

Strong mental capabilities: strength, loyalty, trust, honor, devotion~ I made a promise to not kill myself.... she made me swear.

Our loyalty and honor to one another is stronger than this apocalypse; and if it was at all possible, to turn those characteristics into some sort of "power", we could defeat them on our own...

but it's not possible. And I am running out of time.

It's already happening....

9:23am:

Holding on. Tried reminiscing on our last embrace....boy, did that hurt. All of my supplies from my pack and trail trips came in handy as I had to close the steel vault door on my baby. I remember the day we purchased the safe room; the Titan series~ "engineered to succeed", all that prep and safe keeping of our travel money, valuables, records and documents; now it's just being used to protect her from "zombies"....

Who will I become?

9:30am:

Seven minute stretch... focus...

My expectations are for someone to find her. She is protected from them; from me....but she cannot stay in there forever. We agreed on it before, so there is no sense for me to regret our decision at this point (I'm worrying about her alone in there). It's too late to go back. I can't go back. I....

9:35am:

This is probably it. If you get out love, don't look for me~ I would be so ashamed. I promised you I wouldn't kill myself, but please.... run from me, baby.

I pray now I won't see you. I can only hold off this for a bit longer and by then I won't be your mother anymore...

I pray now I can preserve some connection between us. It is what has kept me going this long. I hope....

I pray now I won't open the vault after this completely takes me over....

9:38am:

Three minutes....I love you Eva Rose. This will be my last journal entry. I am glad I got to finish before

.....