Paradox
With a mind that's sharp,
And a skill set to envy,
I'm a wasted potential,
That's the reality.
It's a tragedy, really,
For I'm an overachiever,
With a passion to prove
And yet,
I'm a procrastinator,
With a lack of motivation to move
I have the potential,
To rise above the rest
And yet, I'm held back,
By not trying my best.
Arts, music, writing, and academics,
I'm unsure, why I can't write my own lyrics.
And it's in these moments,
When I see what I'm wasting,
That I realize how it's a paradox,
It's so clear, and yet I'm confusing.
Just In Case
"Just in case"
My mind is hazy yet wired,
I am restless, I am tired.
No wish to sleep, I'd rather stay awake.
11:56 .. 1:43,
Then suddenly it's 3:51 already.
A blink of my eyes,
Time quickly skips past me.
But I am no insomniac,
I just want to be free.
For me, to rest is to die,
For sleeping means cutting my soaring wings to fly.
The bursts of dopamine,
That's quick and fleeting,
They keep me from drowning in a sea of overthinking.
With a phone in hand,
Like a secret place with rainbow sand.
A sweet sense of comfort;
Writing stories,
Reading books,
For, I always gets overlooked.
Yet, the moment it's ripped away,
A burst of feelings, too many to say.
The world looks dull,
And death seems nice,
For this soul,
lost and purposeless of mine.
I procrastinate,
I wonder why,
While I delay,
While I stall,
The hours fly by...
Perhaps "just in case"
Is just a silent cry.
The Favor
"Bella," Claudia spoke in a weary voice, calling for her 10 year old daughter, all ready for her 12 hour shift duty at a local restaurant by the city. "Feed your sister, will you?" She requested, kissing Isla by the forehead who's blissfully drawing on the floor. The woman, though exhausted, plastered a smile on her face, looking grim and gaunt. "I already thawed the nuggets, you just have to fry them, alright?" She instructed in an agitated manner, walking over Bella, looking jaded with a stiff smile. "Promise you'll be home early today?" The girl asked, noticing the discoloration of her mom's foundation, failing to cover a bruised spot by the corner of her lips. This time, Bella no longer asked what happened, instead, she made sure to gently smudge it with her thumb, spreading it well. "I'll try my best sweetheart.. " Claudia promised in a solemn voice, pressing a kiss against Bella's cheek. "I love you guys, take care of Isla for me please..?" She reminded her eldest one last time before making her way out of the door.
Bella made her way towards the window, silently pondering if her mom would really get home early today. Ah, she forgot to remind her to buy butter and bread; Isla loved those. She contemplated whether she should run after her mother and tell her, perhaps Claudia would be more likely to try and arrive home earlier, in case she wanted to make Isla happy. Instead, Bella went over to her sister, hovering over the painting she made. "What are you making?" She asked in curiosity as the 4 year old gave a bright smile. "It's you, sissy." She exclaimed in excitement. Isla was making a portrait of Bella, looking all happy under the sun, chasing what seems to be a butterfly. "I should see what flowers we have!" The girl figured, making her way towards the door. "No, Isla, we can't go out, remember?" Bella reprimanded, gently pulling her back. "Why don't you help me cook, hm?" She suggested instead, keeping Isla ignorant as to why. Thankfully, the kid obediently followed.
Bella doesn't really know when exactly she figured out what was happening. After all, she's always been aware, observant, and mature. She had to grow up faster and raise herself ever since she was old enough to be left alone. Bella even learned to take care of her mother as well, considerate enough to make sure she's healthy the best she could. At the age of 6, when Isla was born, Claudia gave birth in the same room with Bella who witnessed everything, afraid to even call for an ambulance. Thankfully, the birth of her youngest daughter went well, immediately moving out of town, clearly hiding away from the baby's father. Bella eventually learned how to take care of Isla, thoughtfully helping her mother around since she had to work. Throughout the whole pregnancy, her mother was able to hide away from her boyfriend, who Bella figured was the person who kept hurting her.
At first, she would repeatedly ask her mother why she would cry herself to sleep or come home late with a bruise or two. However, Claudia would either say that she fell or had a little accident, eventually hiding her injuries from her daughter with makeup. Naturally, Bella realized that her mother didn't want her to ask anymore, so she didn't. Bella was aware that her mom needed help and that she was getting exhausted. Over time, she wondered if her and her sister were adding weight to her mother's problems. She would try her best to shoulder Isla all by herself, pouring her energy to raise her sister as a good girl she wanted her to be. Bella was under the impression that she was helping her mom, hoping that she would no longer distance herself by arriving home late. In her eyes, Claudia would avoid going home early, because that would mean she's gonna have to deal with her daughters. However, she could hardly arrive any earlier, making Bella develop this fear that one day, she would no longer go home, finally giving up on her and her sister because of how tired her mother is.
Unfortunately, Bella remained waiting as usual, sitting by the couch, brushing over Isla's hair. The poor kid had already fallen asleep by her sister's lap, looking tranquil and comfortable. For a moment, Bella regrets not reminding her mom the butter and bread, if she did, perhaps Claudia would be here by now. Sometimes she really is early, making the 10 year old repeatedly hope that today she would be.
Eventually, by the time Claudia finally arrived, it was already midnight and Bella had fallen asleep sitting up by the couch. She was disheveled and exhausted, her lipstick was smudged, and her mascara had become runny because of the sweat and tears. Her boyfriend had found her again, somehow tracking her down, gradually getting a hold of her. Claudia barely got away this time, thinking that she should pack again so she can move with her daughters. "Oh, my babies.. " She uttered softly, tears streaming down her eyes. She had failed them again. Claudia saw Isla's sketch, sitting by the table. It only consists of her and her older sister, probably unable to see her mom with the picture. Claudia had been hurting for a while now, thinking that she would never escape her boyfriend. In her eyes, she had always dragged her daughters around with her problems, when it's clear that they're better off without her. Heaven knows how much she loves the girls, but she can't help but drown in guilt and regret.
Would it be a selfless thing if she abandoned them now and took all the burden and war, leaving her daughters with peace and without a mother? Or was it a selfish thing to escape the burden and guilt of being a bad mother? Surely Bella can take care of Isla, she always does. Claudia's always proud of the girl, but she could never take the credit of raising her like that in the first place. Her boyfriend didn't know their existence, they would be safer without her. "I'm so sorry... Mommy loves you.. " She whispered in a faltering voice, her heart breaking in pieces as she pressed a long kiss on the foreheads of her princesses. And there she goes, abruptly packing her things and abruptly leaving the house. Claudia took one last glimpse of her children before running away with tears in her eyes.
The morning arrived soon after, draping the girls with a cold blanket of emptiness and a dull living room. "Sissy?" Isla asked in a sullen voice, rubbing her eyes with her small fists. "Where's mommy?" She followed, understanding that their mother would have carried and transferred both of them by the bed. However, they stayed on the couch. Bella was hit with an overwhelming sense of dread and anxiety, abruptly pushing Isla off or her, scurrying around the house. Isla followed suit, searching for their mother. "She's not home, Sissy!" She exclaimed with a frown after looking around. At this point, Bella was already on the verge of tears, staring out the window as she bit her nails. Isla couldn't grasp the fact that they were abandoned, only thinking that perhaps their mom would eventually arrive home. "It's okay.." She consoled her crying sister, sitting beside her, staring out the window. "Mommy would come back.. " Isla added. However, Bella knew she wasn't. She already checked Claudia's closet, which welcomed her empty and cold. Their mother had left, finally giving up on them.
Isla waited the whole day, staring out the window as she heard her sister's sobbing by the couch, helplessly hugging herself. Bella was inconsolable, filled with a hopeless void of thought. It was her nightmare come true, cold and cruel. She had done everything to help, but it wasn't enough, their mother couldn't fight to keep them anymore, wearing exhausted. Bella's exhausted too, but she didn't give up on Isla, did she? "Sissy, please drink some water.. " The 4 year old asked in desperation, almost welling with tears as well. It hurt her seeing Bella broken, and she wanted to help as well. Bella thankfully accepted, sniffling and hiccuping as she quenched her thirst. "Please stop crying?" Isla asked, her eyes glassy and desperate. However, Bella could only cry more. "I'm sorry, Isla.. " She shuddered in a breaking voice. "I'm so tired.. I don't want to be here anymore.. " Bella followed as her little sister wrapped her in a hug. "Where do you want to go, sissy?" She asked, only wanting to help and ease her pain. "We should go out and play.. " Isla suggested, but Bella only shook her head. "No, baby... We can't leave.. " She reminded her sister, still living up to her mother's orders.
Isla was tempted to go out and somehow look for their mom, wanting Bella to stop crying. However, as hours ticked by, Claudia never came, leaving her daughters hungry. Bella couldn't find the strength to leave the couch, eventually letting Isla scavenge around the fridge, only eating the left overs, fruits, and snacks. Bella wouldn't eat as she cried and cried her fluids out. Isla would repeatedly ask her to drink water, which she fortunately did. In the end, Bella and Isla finally fell asleep, one with hope that their mom would be back tomorrow, and one utterly distraught and hopeless.
The following day stayed the same, leaving Isla scarred with the sound of Bella's exhausted cries. She couldn't help her sister no matter how hard she cheers her up, eventually searching for toys they could play with. Upon Isla's search, she stumbled with her mother's box, filled with papers and pictures of them together— alongside a pistol. However, she only took the photos with her, showing it to Bella instead. "See here?" She asked, pointing at their happy expressions. "Sissy, please don't be sad.. " Isla almost pleaded, her eyes welling up with tears. "We're okay.. " She spoke, cupping Bella's cheeks and wiping away her tears. However, Bella could only cry more when she saw the photo. "Isla, it hurts.. " She complained, pressing their foreheads together. "Please help me... I don't want to live anymore, I'm so tired.. " Bella continued, making Isla tear up. It hurts her to see her sister in so much pain, but she knows what she means. "You're gonna leave me too?" Isla asked in a trembling voice. "I love you, Bella... I love you.. " The child pressed on, hugging her sister.
Upon the third day, Isla couldn't stand the cries of her older sister anymore, only keeping her in a hug, hoping that it would make her feel better. Like what Claudia would do, she kissed Bella by the forehead, thinking that she could somehow take the pain away from her heart. "Isla... I want to die.. " Bella blurted out in a weak and raspy voice, exhausted and through after crying so much. "I don't want to kill myself, but I hope I'd just die... " She added. At this point, Isla repeatedly heard her sister's pleas, only repeating the same words over and over again. "I'm so tired, Isla... " Bella rambled. Isla always wanted to help, doing the best she could. She wanted to do her a favor, even if it means that they won't be together anymore. The day went on the same, but this time— Isla didn't let go of Bella, keeping her in a tight embrace. By the time the 10 year old finally fell asleep, the little girl stared at her, having a sense of dedication and acceptance to keep Bella asleep and in peace. Making her way back to the box with a pistol, Isla remembered how it works. After all, she would occasionally catch her mother watching some action films. In a way, the 4 year old didn't feel scared, she's simply making Bella a favor.
"Mommy, I had a dream.. " Isla called with a bright smile, showing Sammy a drawing of a little angel, holding a smile. "A dream?" The woman asked in a mix of adoration and interest, bringing Isla by her lap. The last time she remembered, the 7 year old would wake up crying from vivid nightmares. The psychologist could still remember how Isla had trouble moving on from all the blood and gore she witnessed 3 years ago. Primarily, Sammy assumed that it was Isla's sense of guilt for killing her sister, but eventually, she figured that it was the sheer trauma. "It was sissy!" Isla exclaimed with an eager nod. "She greeted me happy birthday, she looks so happy, mom!" Sammy was relieved after hearing such an endearing dream. "I'm sure, Bella's in a good place, hm?" Isla nodded. "She's in a garden and she was playing like a little girl. She even hugged me and thanked me that I got her there without hurting her heart.. "
Sammy couldn't help but feel bittersweet. That fateful night, Isla shot her sister by the head, thinking that her heart was located behind her eyes. The little girl was under the literal impression of "your eyes are the window of your soul", considering that Bella's eyes were full of pain. Not to mention, Claudia often gave kisses by the forehead, muttering along the lines that her love would reach their heart. "Isla, baby... Do you miss your sister?" Sammy asked, eventually shifting her daughter in a cradle. "I miss her, but I think she's not supposed to be here with me.. " Isla mumbled in a drowsy voice. "She's happier there, she even said that mommy would follow her soon.. " She blurted out, more or less still remembering Claudia as her mom. Sammy could only hum, cracking a smile over the thought that God really gave each sister their own mother.
Till Death Do Us Part
"They're not going to make it, are they?" He coughs.
She tries to reassure him, "There's still time."
Their bodies huddled on the floor as the fire rages around them, their backs growing warm at the blaze.
"I don't want to burn," he says, fear in his voice.
"There's still time," she reassures him once more.
But despite her words, the smoke is now thick in the room, brushing their backs and rising towards the ceiling.
"Maybe the smoke will get us first," he coughs out, his voice weak.
"Please don't say that," she begs, tears in her eyes.
"I'm sorry. I just don't want it to hurt."
"I don't want it at all," she responds, her voice breaking.
They draw closer to each other, and he strokes her hair. The soot stains his hand, more that it stained her hair.
He pulls her close in a weak force on the floor, crawling towards her until their faces ware only inches apart. "There's no one else I'd rather be here with me at the end, but God I wish you weren't," he spoke with black tears falling helplessly from his amber eyes to the floor.
She looks at him sadly, understanding his feelings. "Is there a small part of you that feels relieved that I was?"
His silence speaks volumes of guilt for even feeling serene while they die, still- she gives him a small smile. "It's okay. I feel it as well.."
"I love you" — "I love you too.." They close the small distance between them, staring intently with the sparks of their eyes glowing dim, slowly accepting the end of the rope. Out of their last desperate desire, they lock their lips in a passionate kiss, with the taste of smoke lingered their tongues, but it's the only thing in the room that doesn't feel like burning.
When they part, they intertwined their fingers locked, and their eyes meet for the last time. They remain there until his breathing grows shallow, and a final, weak breath escapes him, turning his chest still and his eyelids heavy.
Her voice has grown too weak to call his name. She only has enough strength to look to the door as the inferno that has begun to creep under its frame.
She looks at his still chest and a part of her feels relief that he was right that the smoke came for them before the fire. The other part of her curses it for taking him first.
She strokes through his hair like he had hers. It stains her hand in the same shade of black it did to his.
She stares at his chest a moment longer to make sure it'll never take another breath before she takes the deepest one she can to make sure she follows him.
The Last Hug
Lucas and Ethan were two best friends who were struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. They were craving for the feeling of being alive instead of surviving again through reckless adventures. They enjoyed being together even if most of the time they find solace in being alone. Together they strived for life; they were about to finish college; Ethan and Lucas sat on top of the rusty, abandoned windmill, the sunset over the horizon was almost hypnotic, with its colors fading from orange to purple.
They could feel themselves growing lighter, as though the wind were carrying their worries and fears away. Despite the bleakness of their surroundings, they felt at peace for the first time in ages. "I'm glad we met each other" Lucas ponders while fiddling with his fingers. Ethan let out an exasperated sigh as he leaned back, letting his legs dangle at the edge of the windmill. They pressed a couple of buttons beforehand, making the windmill turn and creak. it sets them in the mood as they played "Leaves" by Ben and Ben. "Do you think we'll be fine?" Ethan, asked. "we'll survive" Lucas replied in a sarcastic way. "do you still wanna die?" Ethan asked as Lucas lift his head up looking at him through his furrowed brows and striking stare, shaking his head. "i think I'm good" ...
A wave of silence echoed in a windy day as Ethan looked up, seeing flocks of birds pass by. "I think we'll do just fine.." They find themselves smiling at the heat of the sunset. this feeling couldn't last long. Suddenly, the windmill began to creak and moan, its rusted hinges giving way under their weight. Before they knew it, flames erupted from the base, quickly engulfing the entire structure in a fiery blaze. Panic? No...Relieved? Also No.
They both knew the severity of the situation, their eyes started to gloss and sparkle knowing that they're facing their last moments together in an abandoned windmill on fire. They weren't scared...they were...Accepting. Out of everyone of course they are. They've been wanting for this moment to come and now it's here. Chuckling, Ethan blurted out "it's ironic how we're dying the day we want to continue living". Lucas couldn't help but let out a light chuckle before smiling sadly. "I'll miss you, you idiot". Lucas didn't think twice, wrapping his arms around his best friend. Their tears roll down their cheeks, dropping warm tears on each other's shoulders. They were crying but only because of the unsatisfactory feeling of what they could've been..had..and become. It's a shame. " I'm so proud of you. You're an awesome friend...i know we're about to die and this is not the time...but, i still remember the days when we were still young and happy. The first time we met. Now, I'm glad that the last time would be the same...young and happy" Ethan pulled out and wipe his tears chuckling as Lucas did the same.
"i love you, man" Lucas said with sincerity. "you are enough... Everyone who met us would be so proud. I know you've left footprints on our friend's hearts. But i want you to know that you're an entire place in mine..not just hints of footprints" Lucas continued, being all emotional. "I'll see you in next time we do this again.." Ethan said as they sat down, ignoring the blazing fire behind them. "what now?" Lucas asked. "I'm gonna jump" Ethan replied smiling. Lucas knew exactly why. Ethan knew that he had no escape to death, but it gave him a sense of satisfaction that till the very end, he was always an escapist and that it's up to him to die in a way that he's still in control of.
"See you" He said as he stood up, he intentionally didn't say the goodbye. Lucas, stayed waiting for his fate to come, waving his friend as Ethan free fell peacefully while looking at the scenery of the sky smiling down at him. Lucas, did not look down. He was smiling at himself, leaving him with no regrets and for the last time, facing his problems bravely like how he always do. Though sad, he remains composed and unafraid, embracing his fate with dignity. The two friends left the unfair world that day...July 4th, while the dropped phone remains playing a song they both love. "Somewhere only we know"
Eidetic Memory
From a young age, Jasper had always felt a deep connection to the emotion of sadness, like a friend that followed him everywhere; a shadow whispering in his ear and never leaving his side. His unique ability to see things from everyone's perspective allowed him to feel emotions deper than anyone ever could. He soon came to realize that this was a double-edged sword: while he had the capacity for great empathy and understanding, he also had to bear the burden of being aware that he was the cause of his own misery, which left him feeling crippled by guilt and remorse.
As the season of winter settled in, Jasper found the weight of his sadness and solitude particularly heavier. On some days, all he wanted to do was curl up in bed and drown out the cold, numb feeling with the warmth of his blankets. "Baby, why don't you meet up with your friends?" His sweet mother asked in her hearty tone, brushing away his damp hair sticking against his forehead. The kid was unable to take a bath for 4 days now, practically rotting on his bed ever since winter started. "Sure, mom.. " Jasper spoke in a brittle voice after not speaking for a while now, sitting up to give a reassuring smile.
Behind his mother's satisfied smile, pulling him into a tight hug, and giving a kiss on top of his head, she felt an underlying sense of grief. Perhaps it's true that mothers always seem to know, like a sixth sense. As much as taking a stroll out under the winter sky was the last thing Jasper needed, his mother was hopeful that her son would feel better when the sun shines on his face, his winter boots sinking deep under the snow, and the cold wind stroking his hair. The latter would rather show an act of illusion that she was right, than break her heart with his dim, amber gaze and suffocate her with the presence of his misery.
The silent footsteps he left on the snow was bothering him, as if the perfect white coat was ruined by his existence. Jasper already did his best to cover up, earmuffs, mittens, winter coat, and thick, heavy scarf— and yet, the cold always seems to seep in. The giggles and shrieks of the kids throughout the neighborhood was deafening, as they chased each other, mindlessly building hideous snowmans, leaving them be to face bitter passengers like Jasper. He couldn't suppress a self-depricating chuff as he met such clones and reflections those innocent little kids left for him. The teenager paused for a while, only to kick one down. "Hey!" A little boy yelled from the house in front, displeased with Jasper's actions, showing a scowl. "I'm sorry, kid..!" He yelled back in shame as he walked away, internally cursing with his unnecessary projection of hatred. The child probably took time and effort to build something so peculiar yet useless form of art, only for it to be knock over by a teenager who got nothing to do.
Jasper didn't really have a destination in mind, he was only wandering away from the noise and the people staring. He couldn't help but feel insecure with his strides, looking almost lost because of the fact that he was alone, going so utterly slow. Jasper's steps were heavier as the snow added weight to his empty being. In a way, he didn't hate the winter, in fact, it reminds him of his childhood, filled with laughter and innocence. Before he knew it, his feet brought him to the lake where teenagers skate. In the past, during summer, the whole place wasn't as crowded. People would go fishing, kids would occasionally swim around in hotter days, and Jasper would gather with his friends to camp after stressful exams.
The summer felt lighter now that he thinks about it. He wasn't bothered with the heat then, unlike the colder days where his body significantly feels heavier, as if glued to his bed. Jasper was caught up with the sight of the skaters, staring as they flexed their stunts and figures, as if they're not bothered by the stinging air slapping their cheeks. It was getting colder, Jasper's winter clothes were no longer protecting him from the selfish thoughts he had. The lump, sitting inside his chest was starting to creep up his throat, as if gravity was pulling up instead of keeping him on the ground. 'It's alright.. ' he internally coaxed himself, inching away from the frozen lake, finally turning around to retreat.
Jasper could see his fog of breath, leaving his quivering lips, as he kept his head down from the eyes of the world. He was walking the same trail he left when going forward, carefully trying not to add tracks to the perfect carpet of snow, focusing on the squeaks of his wet boots. It was an unfortunate sight: a teenager, quietly weeping in sync with his memories of winter flashing through his blurry eyes. It was a nuisance, really. He didn't have a good reason to cry, no absolutely reason why his heart was silently shattering all over again like every year during winter. Perhaps the teen was engulfed with self pity, remembering all the reasons why he's not meant for a cold world like this. It was a miniscule thing, stacking up, piling over the years. 'Someone's got it worst', he would repeatedly think, wiping away his tears, trying to suck it up and move forward.
Jasper was a jar brimming with memories, a lifetime's worth compressed into a single container. As he rummaged through the contents, he found himself stolen of the memories that evoked a sense of childlike joy and wonder before the weight of the world crushed the carefree optimism that had once filledp him, leaving him full with the ones he desired to forget. He longed for the day when he would be untethered from the memories that bound him, when the burden of the cold, numb feeling would dissipate, and he would finally experience the sweet release of freedom and relief. Until that day arrived, he told himself that he must endure the harshness of winter— an endless cycle that would eventually thaw, giving way to the warmth of springtime.
"I'm home!~" He yelled with a bright smile, meeting his mother's homemade baking. "Persimmon pudding?" He asked, making his way towards the kitchen, as the light-hearted giggle of his mom followed. "Aren't you sharp?" She asked, amused with the enthusiasm of the kid. It's been so long since she made one, that she couldn't help but be surprised that Jasper even remembered based on the scent. "I'll go take a bath.. " He spoke with a low chuff, making his way up his bedroom. "Buddy?" The woman abruptly stopped him from his tracks. "You okay?" She asked giving a knowing gaze as if trying to see through his glassy eyes. "Of course, mom... The walk was nice.. " He responded in assurance, finally disappearing up the stairs, back to his safe haven, deep under his blanket.