You sent me songs

Of beginnings, middles and endings

About letting go

How you'll keep me warm

All of me.

I sent you songs

Of how I do adore

Love keeps growing

How to put you into words

Come to me.

If this carries on

Will there be wedding songs?

Lyrics I always forget

Loving you I hope not to regret

Because it does not feel wrong.

I pray you come for me

Come for us

Marry me

At least we have

A playlist for us.

Putting pen to paper,

In shades of darkest black

It glides upon the paper

Going here and there,

Then sometimes back.

Losing all senses of care,

A shape appears,

In a circle of lines

A line above the shadow.

A picture staring back.

Pearce you pierced my heart

With every turning page

Of a girl locked up in a cage

For thought of being some common tart.

A child's breath taken,

Trust that was mistaken.

Believing in people who worship God

Felt nothing but the rod.

I do not like that little bit.

For I myself have faith.

Yet, there are those people of the pit

The fact is no one is really safe.

Cooking dinner is a busy affair,

One must always be alert!

Around every corner lurks,

Danger if you dare.

An egg is not just an egg

With lack of care it can wreck!

The frying pan

Requiring smoke relief from a fan.

French fries are not just chips

Oh no! there can be flips...

If the potatoes with water drips,

Including a free hospital trip.

So when you received your cooked dinner,

Be grateful if you can.

That no one came to harm.

And, that your mother who cooked the meal,

Still has all her arms.

Cobblestone paths in ancient alley ways,

Gypsy greetings meeting train stations,

Once the center of all nations.

In churches all do pray.

To walk on the cobblestone paths one day,

Beholding the Circus Massimo's red sand walls

The Vatican to all artists do call,

Seeing places where emperors bath.

Getting lost in a crowd,

To touch the feet of a saint so sweet,

Where angels on bridges, walls do greet.

Return. To a fountain as vowed - if may.

Cutting grass when all is damp

Provides a pleasant scent

It covers up all muddy odors

To dust we will all decent.

In the wet press of outbursts

A presence in all sufferings

So is it really so bad to get drenched.

Blown by a constant breeze.

It is tasteless.

All hope placed on good things

Such as coffee, bitter on the tongue

The learning, to add sugar to make it sweet.

Thunder rumbling, crashing to the ground.

A flash of light.

Then comes the sunlight in love.

Birds singing a song so sweet.

The incorrect line.

The smudged colors.

All used in inappropriate ways,

The blurring between beauty

Of a canvas on chaos.

The perfect image.

A possible photograph?

Of a captured moment

That no one else would have seen,

If it had not been.

The art of living the impossible dream

To portray and to say

To tell the tale and sound motivate

Makes the day go round.

Which the world will call art.

It took me some time

To figure out the crime.

What've I ever done to you?

I have no clue.

I have treated you with respect,

Not overloaded you with specs,

My images you've elongated.

How can you expect me not to be irate.

I thought you and me were a team.

Together a dream.

Me the brains

You the tool

Now I see how technology has played me for a fool!

The child is sick

The money is gone

The work is few.

Yet, nothing is wrong.

Everything will be all right

It always works out

Within God's sight

So much for all those sleepless nights.

There is a child to fuss about.

Money can be made again to be given out.

Work can be self made or given.

Everything will be all right.

When you are on your own.

With no one else to hold your hand to tell you

Everything will be all right

Know that God has the might.

There’s a new girl in the office. She is beautiful, funny, and popular. Tall as a giraffe, skinny and curvy at the same time. She could probably wear a potato sack and still look good. Her long brown hair is kissed with highlights that she ever so often flicks so that you must admire her puppy brown eyes. Her name is Sam (short for Samantha) Bantjes. Sam Bantjes wants to be friends with me! Since her third day at the office. We’ve been taking lunch together. Sam Bantjes is so easy to talk to I have practically told her my whole life story except about the dating site.

I felt sorry for Sam when she started. She really struggles with admin and procedures, so I am helping her with that. I don’t mind. She is fun to be with jokes all the time. Since, we’ve been having lunch together people at work talk to me more especially the men. They are constantly by my desk or Sam’s making small talk. It so nice to be noticed.

Sam arranged a meet up with half of the office at a nearby bar. Nobody was happy for me when I got home a little bit later from work. As usual I am the villain just because I was a bit tipsy then fell asleep during an episode of “The Masked Singer”. My children think I need to quit my job immediately because it’s making me kaput. Nonna’s lip was extremely stiff. I think the show is boring it makes no logical sense why would grownups with talent dress up in a costume hiding behind a mask like some sort of fetish? They’re grown up. I think I am having fun at work.

Sam is extremely popular. She already has as many clients as some of the consultants who’ve been here for four years. She still needs my help with admin. She has confessed to me it is her Achilles heel. I can’t say no I would want help if I wasn’t good at something. I am being noticed at work other consultants have asked for my help as well.

This weekend we had half the office at Sam’s house for a barbeque. The atmosphere was amazing just like those pool parties you see in the movies. I had to sleep over because I got hopelessly drunk on a drinking game involving ping pong balls. Regrettably I think I also kissed half of the men in the office. I can’t be sure, it’s all a blur. I will never ever touch alcohol again as long as I live.

There’s a promotion at work. I am bound to get it I have been with the company for over twenty years almost or it feels like it. I am helping everyone. The consultants that I’ve helped have been so kind to mention me to the managers. In this week’s meeting I was awarded employee of the month award. All the men that I kissed at the barbeque have been nothing but gentlemen. Not one of them have mentioned it to me but I have noticed that most of my female co-workers except Sam and perhaps four others treat me with contempt.

Sam’s had another barbeque at her house again and I had to sleepover again. I don’t know what it is but every time I go out with Sam, I end up dead drunk? She’s always passing the wine and I just can’t seem to say no. The barbeque was with Sam’s family and close friends, so I must now be a close friend. I assume. I kissed Sam’s brother, half her cousins and half of Sam’s guy friends. Sam’s boyfriend Adrian kept a distance from me. I don’t think he likes me much even though I did try to be civil with him by talking about motorbikes. He is a mechanic. I know nothing about motorbikes. I ended up retelling the story of how I crashed a hired quadbike at the kiddies’ park in a tree in an outing to Parys in the Free State. Everyone laughed, Sam told me that I am the funniest friend she’s ever had especially when I have wine then she handed me another glass of wine.

The children are calling me by my first name because my son says that they don’t see me so much anymore. My daughter still tackles me when she sees me, it’s hard to tell if it is love or anger. Nonna is ignoring me she looks irritated whenever she sees me, a brooding storm, she says, “A mother’s place is at home.”

“But I have to work for an income!”, I protested. If I am not at work, I am at home or maybe once a week at Sam’s or out with Sam. I’m a grownup am I not allowed to live? Nonna has asked that I pay rent money because she says that my children are eating her out of house and home. My husband still refuses to pay maintenance or to come and visit the children he has turned around saying that I am keeping the children from him to everyone we know.

I am swamped at work. I don’t know where there is a beginning or end. I am not getting through my workload or the other consultants’ workloads. I always make sure that Sam’s things are done so that she doesn’t get into trouble. It aggravates some of the other consultants because they want me to finish their work first, what a cheek! I am helping them out and they are giving me lip about it. I couldn’t be bothered I just apologized that I did what I could then left work late again. I am totally miserable at work it holds no magic for me anymore. I don’t need people I work with to be rude to me. I’m already behind with a month’s worth of work as is!

Another weekend at Sam’s house for another barbeque and I had to sleepover again. I am getting fed up with the barbeques. I did not want to sleepover, but no one wanted me to leave because everyone thinks I am so “funny” when I have wine. Why don’t they watch a comedy for laughs, why me? The penny then dropped that no one cares about me, my children waiting for me to come home. No one cares about how sick I feel from a hangover. Nobody cares about all of it, all they want to do is laugh and I am the joke. It was the worse night ever because at midnight I was woken up by a kiss from Adrian in the dark. The morning was awkward because I couldn’t get Sam on her own to tell her what happened with the secret kiss, to confess. I was also frightened to be the one to causes drama in a loving relationship. I am not to sure if secret kisses in the dark with a best friend is a loving relationship? Adrian and Sam shouldn’t be together then, but I don’t want Adrian either I have no attraction to him maybe it was just a mistake caused by booze? I don’t know anything anymore – love is complicated.

They, I mean management have announced who receive the promotion of “Department Manager” and it’s not me. The promotion went to Sam Bantjes after being with the company for only three months! I cannot believe that. I have been with the company for almost twenty years. I was given another “Employee of the Month” award for my dedication and support to co-workers. I am gutted.

I am avoiding Sam at work just in case she invites me to another barbeque, but her workload has increased which means she is bombarding me with her work and now I must do it because she is now the head of department. I am hopelessly behind on my work. I am stressed out of my mind. I snapped at a colleague for just asking me my opinion on a matter of no importance, but I honestly thought that he was asking me to help him with his work. No one is talking to me at the office, except Sam when she brings her workload over to my desk.

Nonna is overjoyed. I am home on time every day now I don’t go out on weekends anymore, as soon as I come in she goes out. The other day she remarked, “I’m so glad you’ve given up drinking. I’ve noticed. Now my wine will last longer.” Really. As if I was some sort of alcoholic, I will never touch booze again, of course I lied to her and told her that I was on some sort of diet. Nonna rolled her eyes at me with a “Yeah, right” comment, famous last words.

Sam keeps asking me out. I am using my church as an excuse to get out of barbeques.

I went to the accounts department today. I go there every month to do reconciliation of accounts. It was with great surprise that the accounts department told me that they heard on the floor that I am the “town bicycle”. According to their information they had received I have slept with almost every man in the company! They even knew about Adrian. How is that possible? I didn’t know where to put my face, so I did not confirm or deny anything I just did the work.

Sam has stopped inviting me for barbeques.

Sam Bantjes has stopped coming to work. Management has called me in to inform me that my best friend Sam Bantjes has been dismissed with immediate effect because of the fraud she committed on clients’ accounts! The accounts department picked it up when we were doing reconciliation. I am under investigation at work because how did I not pick it up, the misconduct and how is it that I was so far behind my work. I have a written warning against my name on employee records. Two more then I will be fired. My workload has been delegated amongst my colleagues. I feel a total let down and failure. I am looking for another job. No one trusts me now because I was buddy-buddy with Sam Bantjes.

I hope I never hear or see that woman again in my life. Sam Bantjes pretended to like me and be friends with me when all she did was use me. She made a complete fool, a joke out of me for a laugh while she was stealing other people’s money. Now, everyone thinks I am the “easy” type. I haven’t told Nonna anything about what is going on at work. She would fall over dead with shame. I wish I could talk to her that she would understand and just hug me and tell me everything is all right that she knows I’m a good person. But…that’s not Nonna, Nonna would fall over dead with shame. I know.

I spoke to Yolandie over the phone. She listened to the story I had gotten myself involved in silence. All she could say was that she had wondered what had happened to me because it was as if I was AWOL. Yolandie completely agrees that I should find another job at another company as soon as possible.