⚠️Content Warning: Domestic Violence, Blood, Bruises, Self-Distortion, Abuse⚠️

All of this is fictional. No real characters.

It's been a year... The day feels fuzzy like a TV channel that no longer exists. Walking to the mirror and looking in is the worst feeling. My hair is a mess from tossing and turning for hours on end all night only to get two hours of sleep. It makes me look like a fucking lion. I wish I were a lion, if I was I would ruin his life in a matter of seconds. Ripping his body to shreds as he did mine, Leaving him barely alive with the scars to prove it. I don't want to deal with this I will just throw it up in a messy bun, good enough right?

It's been a year.. how am I still seeing the bruises on my neck, the fingerprints so clear he could be found by them being tested. My eye isn't black, is it? No, it's your imagination. It's not real, well at least not anymore. It's been a year, and the scars on my stomach are just as deep as the day he made them, the only difference is the blood is gone. Or is it? I can still feel it, the serrated edge cutting through my layers of delicate pale skin as he does what he wants to me. Why did I lift my shirt up in the first place? Why am I doing this to myself?

It happened a year ago, why don't you just let it go? Oh, it's because he may have ruined my chances to live an everyday life. He may have taken so many opportunities away from me and I will never know until the time comes. I can't go through the mornings without feeling absolutely disgusted with myself, I feel his grimy hands on me still, as he moves his hands up my thigh. I was not strong enough to stop him... I TRIED, I HAD SKIN AND BLOOD UNDER MY NAILS!!! It meant nothing. It didn't stop you. All that happened was more pain and suffering. Why do I look in the mirror every fucking morning? I'm done with this! I can't do it anymore! Turing my back from the mirror. Move your feet. Take a step. MOVE!!!! Don't turn back around… please please don't turn back around… why did I turn back to the mirror. My eyes are so dull, the life has gone away and I don't think it will come back. I want it back, I want the enthusiastic, happy human I was back then. I don't know if I am even considered a human anymore.

Only a year ago I was like that. What happened to the old me? I ask myself this question all the time and I can never find the answer. Maybe if I never met him this would have never happened… Maybe if I didn’t get his number I wouldn’t have to live like this anymore. It’s all my fault. All the blood, all the scars, all the bruises. All my fault. It's always my fault. When will it get better? When will I be able to look in the mirror and not find myself disgusting? When will I find myself beautiful again? Probably never… I don’t want to be revolting anymore… I want to be prepossessing again, not for anyone else but for myself. I always thought my enemy would be the man that did this to me or it could be me, the one who keeps seeing these things on my horrid body all the time every time I walk into my bathroom. It's not the man or myself, it's must be the mirror.

I never learned to appreciate the sunshine, the rays that would hit my pale skin while walking to my car after work. I never learned how much sunshine could actually help me in daily life. I hated the sunshine. I hated the heat. The beads of sweat would run down my cheek while walking to my car. That was California heat, Washington heat is much different, It is sweet like honey dripping from a hive. It is warm like a soft blanket on a winter night when your room has two concrete walls. When the sunshine would come out I would avoid it at all costs back in California. Now I cherish it like a handmade gift given to a mother by her young child.

Ode To My Son

My son grew in me for only 6 weeks

You saved my life and you didn’t even know it

You were a miracle that did not last but changed

Me for the better.

You let in a part of me I didn't know existed

You gave me hope for my future children.

You told me that you would see me again soon in the future

My son you broke me to pieces however healed me at the same time

I cried for over a year and mourned you more than you will ever know

Even with all the crying I was glad to have you in my life even for the short time

I was furious at the piece of shit man that took you from me

I did not want to do what I have to do

You saved me from your father

You are safe and will never have to deal with the man that sadly impregnated me

You saved not just yourself but your mother

I did what I had to do to make sure your spirit was safe

Since the day you left my body you gave me signs

You let me know I did the right thing

You let me know that you love me and will return to me soon.

I have seen signs when I am miserable, the sun will come out and shine over me

My son grew in me for only 6 weeks and changed my life for the better

Thank you my love, thank you for everything you have done for me

Know what the walls know when a new family moves in on a quiet winter night. When the wind is whistling and the air is crisp. When the crickets are dancing along with the stars, the cries of a young child echo through the empty house hitting each wall repeatedly while the mother rocks him gently.

Know what the walls know as they are getting a beautiful coat of paint out on them. The walls feel beautiful with the pale yellow color getting brushed on them with small strokes. The walls are being decorated by the mother as the father starts to bring in furniture. They stand back and admire the hard work they have put in.

Know what the walls know as the years pass and the son is now a teenager and sees his parents fight daily. As he locks himself in his room and talks to himself hoping someone, anyone will listen. The walls are a pale white with posters all over them. The walls have created a safe space for the boy that they have seen grow up. The walls protect him from the outside world and what is going on around him.

Know what the walls know, the secrets they have kept for decades, the conversations that have happened in every room. Know what the walls have learned with all the people and time around them. The mother and father are now elderly and don’t fight or argue anymore. Know what the walls know, what the walls have seen. The relationship between the son and parents has grown. The mother and father have fallen back in love after a decade of fighting. The son comes to visit every weekend.

Know what the walls know as the pale yellow starts to peel and the water damage seeps through. The paintings have dulled and the furniture breaking. The mother and father happily sit looking out the window. It's a quiet winter night, the air is crisp and the wind is whistling, the crickets are dancing along the stars and the mother and father thank the house and the walls for everything they have done and everything they know.

From trauma comes issues, issues that take forever to heal and work on. Issues that affect romantic relationships and life in general. Trauma unleashes a part of you that you did not know existed. It is fragile and has pieces falling off. Pieces that you have tried to glue back together but that only seems to make it worse. Those pieces become lost in your mind and body and randomly are discovered as time goes on. Some are smooth as a small pebble and easy to overcome while others are as shards of a broken mirror and without any pressure you get cut by them. The shards are some of the hardest to overcome as it takes much more time, effort, and energy. From the issues come accepting, accepting that things are broken and that things need to be worked on. You start with the pebbles and it makes it seem so easy, after the pebbles come the shards. You know the shards are harder to work with. With every movement we risk cutting ourselves but at some point, we get the hang of the movement and it moves on from accepting to healing. From accepting comes healing, the pebbles turn to nothingness and the shards are dull. No matter how you move the shard you are safe from the harm that may come. You are no longer getting cut and it no longer scares you when you must overcome the obstacles that have harmed you in ways you will forever remember. From Trauma comes Issues.

There were so many things that you said, things that altered my brain forever. You told me you loved me. If you loved me, why would you say those things? Why would you say things that made me rethink my whole life? Things that made me rethink myself as a human.

“ Are you cheating on me?”, was the very first thing you accused me of when we were together for only two weeks.

“ Why were you talking to him?”, was the question that was asked when I was talking to one of my best friends.

“ Do you love me?” How was I supposed to know if I loved you or not? We were dating for a week.

“ You are staying the night, you don’t get a choice.”, the first time I was actually doubting the relationship.

“ If you love me you will fuck me.”, this was the first time I was pressured to have sex and it started the cycle of sexual abuse.

“ If your neck wasn't so fat the necklace would fit.” This, The time I lost all of the self-love I worked so hard to achieve.

“ I will get you pregnant so every guy in college knows you belong to me.”, what the actual fuck. It was at this point in the relationship that I realized how controlling he was.

“ You are going to take this with me.”, The time I was pressured to take drugs with him and I lost hope in myself and the rest of my life.

“ Who's the father?”, you asked me while I was in your backyard with you after telling you I am pregnant and getting an abortion.

All of these things changed my brain chemistry more than I ever thought they would. All of these words that my ex said changed my life and made it more difficult in a way. It made my relationships with my partners and friends difficult in more ways than one. The 5 stages of a breakup were interesting. Some of them were more intense than others.

Denial: Although he was highly abusive I did not believe we broke up right away. Every single thing he put me through. Emotional abuse, Mental abuse, physical abuse, and sexual abuse. I knew it was best that we broke up. I was safe after he decided to end it but I still did not want to believe it was true.

Anger: The amount of rage that filled my entire body once the denial ended. I was pissed that he hurt me. I did so much for him, I supported him and made sure he had what he needed. I spent money on him. I worked so hard for that relationship; all I got was abuse in every way possible. Each kind is worse than the other. I am surprised it took me so long to be livid at this shitty human being.

Bargaining: There was absolutely no bargaining! WHY WOULD I BARGAIN WITH HIM!!! I did not want him back. I did not want anything to do with him. He ruined my life however, HE WANTED ME BACK. HE BEGGED AND I SAID NO! I was proud of that moment.

Depression: I will not lie, I was extremely depressed once we broke up. I was not depressed that we broke up, I was depressed because I had an abortion when I deeply wanted a child. I cried for 45 minutes when we broke up, however, I cried for over a year when I had to give up my son. It was one of the best things I did for the safety of my son but in the end, it ripped a part of me out.

Acceptance: It took me a long time to accept what happened. I am still broken after the three years that ruined me. I have started healing but am not even close to being fully healed. I am away from him and it was the best thing that I have ever done. I got away from my abuser and it is the one thing I am most proud of in my life.

Once she hated herself.

She hated her body, face, and voice.

She hated the way she walked.

The way she would talk to people.

She wanted people to like her,

She did what people said in order to fit in.

She met a boy who she thought she loved

She stopped doing schoolwork,

Her grades started to slip drastically.

She stopped going to class.

The boy ruined her in every way possible

Then She left him

She started going to school again,

She started doing the schoolwork and getting her grades up.

She realized her true potential, her worth.

She started to love her body, face, and voice.

She stopped trying to please people.

She did what was best for her and started living her life as best as possible.

When does life start? Does it start the moment you are conceived or does it start when you are birthed? Does it start once you move out of your parent's house? Does it start when you meet the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Who knows when life starts? That question has been on my mind today. I do not necessarily know why it is on my mind, I wish I knew.

I had a conversation with my friend today about how having children change your life. It is true, children do change your life. If that change is bad or good then that is up to you to decide .The conversation that I had with my friend had so many parts to it and I do not know where to go from there. For me, I know where life begins. When do you think life starts?

Content Warning: Needles ( Specifically piercings. No extreme detail) and abortion.

I used to have a horrid pain tolerance, now it is decent I would say. I do not know when my pain tolerance changed however, I think it may have changed when I got my abortion. Before my abortion, I was slowly building up my pain tolerance in a way. Not in an extreme way, more of zoning out so I would not pay attention to the pain. I was not prepared for the amount of pain my abortion would be. Of course, it would be painful I knew that. A part of me was physically getting ripped out so I knew the pain would be beyond hell. The pain went from 0 to 100 in five minutes. After this event, my pain tolerance grew. I have been thinking about this because I got my nipples pierced 10 days ago and it did not hurt. I had a needle stabbed through my nipple ( as you know one of the most sensitive places) and I did not flinch. Yes, it hurt but it was like pinching your finger. In a way I was hoping that it would be painful, I wanted to feel something besides the emotional pain I have been going through for years on end. No, I did not get the piercing as a mental breakdown or a way to SH. I have wanted these for years now. I am happy I got them done, even though I did not feel the pain I thought and was hoping to feel. In reality, I might be wanting the physical pain however, I could just be wanting a distraction from the emotions I am going through all the time.

I am a nineteen year old psychology student and it is very interesting , the amount of things you hear is highly intense. The information you learn makes you uncomfortable but yet intrigued. Now there are certain things in a psychology class that will always happen. Trauma will always be brought up, it will never not happen. Although trauma will be brough up it is still important to respect the fact that people will have triggers with certain topics. It is also important to respect peoples writing and trauma. The reason for me writing this is because something has been on my mind about the last day or my last program. As some background information, I was in a program about psychology ,sociology and creative writing. We would right about something that would relate to what we learned. On the last day of class every person went around and read something they wrote at any point in their life. My boyfriend read a very emotional and powerful writing he did ( I never cry while reading anything however, this made me cry). He did trigger and content warnings like we were told to do by the professor. We let 30 seconds past for people to get up and leave the room if needed. Almost the whole class left the room, maybe 10 people stayed including me. My other boyfriend left the room ( I am poly) and what he told me when we were done with class made me livid. He told me someone was talking about how the " trigger warnings were too much" and " I didn't put any triggers in my story so no one would have to leave". He talked shit about my boyfriends writing while he did not want anyone to talk shit about him. HE wanted respect from the class while HE did not respect anyone. We never confronted him for this because my boyfriend asked me not too. My main thing is that if people want respect while reading something personal or just want respect in general then they should respect others as well. Its like the kindergarten saying " Treat people the way you want to be treated".