I believe everything happens for a reason.

Not always by faith but at times by coincidence or for lessons.

For the past couple of months, I have been going through trials in my life.

Life is defiantly considered a wave, surfing with a momentum flow.

Some situations are set in-front of us at times to open our blind side and teach us certain things.

People unexpectedly show up into our lives whether we are prepared or not.

The universe guides us through an open door of mystical awaiting predicaments.

Most times you may experience deja-vu and feel you are hallucinating these unconventional scenarios.

Initially my big reason has been "perseverance with patience."

"Why ?" you may be asking.

Well, lets say you've decided you're going to run a marathon, and keep training day after day despite how difficult it is to do so, you are challenging yourself and that is not something many people can do. It takes time and discipline along with self-restraint. But, what you achieve out of this big reason is what matters the most.

Because, once you finish that Marathon knowing you put in all that effort you start to fulfill successful contentment with yourself . Perhaps all the bumpy roads are worthy and meaningful, if it means helping us move forward with self healing while unfolding ourselves. Beginning to feel that nice smooth soothing breeze along the way is an incredible feeling.

Take action and charge yourself . Feed your mind and soul with prosperity.

When the time is right and sudden you shall begin to understand the concept of letting life glide gradually with your palms right open, slipping from the tips of your fingers.

As it slips away like dust, you start to realize how quickly things can vanish from our lives and we learn to be appreciative and have gratitude .

So take the time to acknowledge now a days who crosses your world and how it shapes you rather than having hopeless regrets.

I'm awfully drained from over doing myself.

I'm terrified of being neglected and misunderstood.

I'm feeling sorrow from pretending to be happy from unleashed acceptances.

I'm jealous of the way I was brought into a persons life as a second option.

I'm a weeping willow screaming for a soul resurrection.

I'm finally walking out the door with my soul tied and heart caged.

I'm so sick of pleasing others turning my insanity into reality.

I'm exhausted, thumping my head against the wall from all the trauma.

I'm running away from the blizzard falling into another nutshell.

I'm slowly looking towards an actual fairy tail reality through a dark tunnel.

I'm much so your second option but I'll be top tier for myself for once.

I'm taking off all of my clothes and dipping myself in a fountain of youth.

I'm more than everything they said I would be.

I'm extremally disciplined due to hectic unacceptable volunteering.

I'm sipping on deprived Macallan, the water of life.

I'm giving myself a reason to get to the moon slowly but surely.

I'm the reincarnation for my ambitious ways.

I'm not looking at the clock for misconceptions anymore, time will tell.

I'm ok with closing a chapter without an ending when it feels right.

I'm much so your second option but I'll be top tier for myself for once.

All I want is you.. all I think about is you.. and how happy you make me when I hear your voice and how you make me laugh and how I can be myself around you. Smiling so much when you tell me what I want to hear making my cheeks hurt causing me to have pink face & a fast heart. You help me remember the best version of myself that I have long lost a very long time ago. I have had vivid dreams of you before. When I think about pleasing myself I think of scenarios with you. So tired of being in this closet of burden. It's sad to say I feel stuck because of manipulation and that I am only lying to myself by staying. When I lay with him at night in bed I think of you. I think of all the ways you tell me you would please me and the things we would do together. Most of all I long for your lips on mine feeling your warmth body against mine. Wanting you is what fulfills my longing. Without you, I am feeling intoxicated and suffocated. I feel as if by staying in this hell of a trap I am slowly pushing you away. Almost as if you feel I am leading you on for waiting on me when all I truly want is you. Having psychic abilities for when you say something to me I think of it before you even say it to me, it's no coincidence. That's how hopelessly obsessed I am with the thought of you. It's almost as if I met you before but in a different dimension. But, not fulfilling what I want is not an option and I cannot stand to feel this way for too long. It will only kill me inside when I find out that, someone else took your attention away because I was too focused in settling for something I did not deserve. For someone that does not deserve any of my flesh and my soul nor my heart. I can't hide in this dark tunnel any longer. The feelings I have for you makes me want to accomplish more things in life that I have never done before. It gives me an airway to breath for once, something I haven't done in a very long time. It calls me for freedom, especially when you tell me that all you want to do is enjoy life to it's fullest and travel the world. If I stay in this shell I am only lying to myself and to whom I'm with. This must not continue for I have had enough of being sorrow and disrespected, it's time to heal my scars by choosing you as my gratification to contentment in life.

Healing past trauma can feel a lot like being tied down to the ground as if you have roots that are uncapable of being tugged off no matter how much force you pull with.

Healing past trauma can feel like you are standing off a tall cliff wanting to jump off but as soon as you jump off and you hit bottom rocks because as soon as you lift your head up out of that water you still remember.

Healing past trauma can feel like you are living an entire lie when life gets too good to be true.

Healing past trauma can be hard to accept thinking others may be judging your every move due to the feeling of not receiving reassurance.

Healing past trauma can feel a lot like asking someone how they are doing because you care but because you also wish they would do the same for you.

Healing past trauma can feel like a chance to breath again but with limits.

Healing past trauma feels like staying quiet so something worse doesn't happen, avoiding confutation.

Healing past trauma can feel like "I don't need anybody & must do everything myself." When in reality all I want you to understand is that "my ability to trust has been injured by others systematically failing me."

Trauma says.. "Put a mask on, control yourself. Find the things that win you any amount of praise and belonging, and make them the focus of your personality."

Healing says.. "You don't have to keep up the performance to be accepted. Yes, there have been people who have only loved you for the masks you wore, but there are other people out there who will love you for YOU."

Trauma says.. "No mess, no nuance. You need to find your place in the world and stick to it. There is no room for you to be your whole self, No one would like you if you did."

Healing says.. "Messy, flawed, paradoxical, YOU. Create a space for yourself to practice being the full version of yourself."

Healing feels like always being observant and being on constant alert with yourself predicting things and being in fire/flight alert.

Healing will slowly ease my inner pain, while also creating more space for the things that bring me the most joy in life.

Healing often comes with experienced trauma with "voice" and "choices" that were taken away at some point in our lives.

Healing will allow me to set boundaries for myself, trusting myself, and most importantly protecting my inner peace.

Wanting you to show me your love for me is like asking for you to jump off a bridge.

Wanting you to show me you love me is like me folding your clothes while you yell at me .

Wanting you to show me you love me is like me being on my laptop while staring at you from the other side while you pay attention to something else.

Wanting you to show me you love me is like me begging you for an apology.

Wanting you to show me you love me is like me waiting for you to treat me like a princess like you used to.

Wanting you to show me you love me is like drinking whiskey all night just to be able to have one good night .

Wanting you to show me you love me is impossible.

Wanting you to show me you love me is like kissing your feet and begging you to clean them before you come in .

Wanting you to show me you love me is like faking a smile when around family members .

Wanting you to show me you love me is like having to pretend i am ok with living with myself feeling unwanted.

Wanting you to show me you love me is like pretending you want to be with me when truly you don’t.

Wanting you to show me you love me is like asking you for a favor just to get a simple no as an answer.

Wanting you to show me you love me is like only being able to please you as i sit there and wonder what i did to deserve all of this.

Wanting you to show me you love me is like being diagnosed with depression and anxiety .

Wanting you to show me you love me

Is like loving myself less and less each day that goes by .

My feelings are as dark as my roast coffee .

My car is as golden as my heart .

But i am no object .

My soul screams for freedom as the butterfly.

My heart beats faster every time i think about letting go even though i love you .

But i am no object .

I wish i had wings to fly and understand your mentality and the way you think.

I am no psychic but i do know that everything that you think is good never lasts.

But i am no object.

I am no toy to chew on and play with and throw out the next day.

I ponder for my blade, when i think about what i am Not capable of doing for myself.

But i am no object.

I just want to feel loved and cherished.

I just want to feel like my very best self again.

I just want someone to tell me everything will be ok.

But i am no object.

As i sit here and think about what i may do to hide this fear, i may just fall back into the same ditch.

I think about starting over and being young all over again everyday .

But i am no object.

I’m exhausted.

I’m drained mentally & physically.

I’m tired of the same routines.

I’m tired of feeling like I can’t achieve whatever i want to achieve in life.

I’m tired of feeling alone but the reason i feel alone is because i have trust issues and my mind is stuck in the past.

I’m tired of being the second-third option in life.

It’s like waking up everyday and living the exact same day every single day .

I’m tired of living in a world where you have to live with doubts and fears.

I want to live in a world of my own, a world that isn’t so luxurious, just a modern simple life.

I’m so tired that sometimes I just want to runaway into the woods and escape the real world.

I’m tired of feeling like every step i take is being judged by others.

I’m tired of feeling misunderstood.

I’m tired of thinking, I’m tired of not living the life i want to live.

I’m tired of doing the most and caring so much and not being recognized.

I’m tired of pretending .

I’m tired of fake smiling .

I’m tired of thinking about my future and not being motivated enough to make anything happen.

I’m tired of not being able to do the things that i used to be able to do.

I’m tired of being in my own skin and in my own body.

I’m tired of hiding in the closet just because i’m scared to express my true feelings and emotions about life.

I’m tired of being bossed around and not having my own saying of things.

I’m tired of people thinking I’m stupid and always being against me when all I do is keep quite.

I’m tired of not doing anything.

I’m tired of sleeping in and waking up late.

I’M TIRED OF BEING TIRED.

Anxiety is a lot like … being in a rollercoaster but having no idea when the drop is coming and feeling like it’s constantly just around the corner.

Anxiety is a lot like … being sick all the time but never knowing what exactly caused you to get sick to begin with.

Anxiety is a lot like being in a maze where you can’t find the exit so you just keep wandering around hoping to get out some day.

Anxiety is a lot like you’ve just run a marathon but can’t catch your breath at the end.

Anxiety is a lot like being intune with yourself and having self awareness.

Anxiety is a lot like being an empath Or generally more caring of others than you are with yourself.

Anxiety is a lot like the equivalent to being highly stressed or excessive worrying.

Anxiety is a lot like having physical side-effects that can be embarrassing.

Anxiety is a lot like isolating yourself in order to avoid anxious thoughts and feelings but only getting serious FOMO and more anxious thoughts and feelings from being alone.

Anxiety is a lot like feeling trapped within yourself.

Anxiety is a lot like wanting to try and tackle anxiety head-on but also wanting to crawl into bed and sleep at the same time.

Anxiety is a lot like wishing you could tell your brain to shut up for a few hours.

Anxiety is a lot like finding it impossible to get truly happy or excited about anything.

Anxiety is a lot like fear of being rejected and being unloved or that our flaws are too much for others to handle.

Anxiety is a lot like lacking self wroth and finding excuses to not pursue things because we don’t believe in ourselves.

Anxiety is a lot like ME ….

Anyone that is caring and has a desire to help others, captures a narcissists attention. You give, they take. It’s a match made in heaven hell. This narcissistic love is at times confusing and forceful. Understanding this sanity includes comprehending the actions of a narcissistic lover. Furthermore this narcissist person is very egoistic. Unfortunately I was being dragged into this deeply held belief that we so call love or at least we sleep on the thought of it being called that, when it’s most definitely not.

When you truly love someone you don’t manifest hate towards them. That’s healthy unconditional love. It’s something narcissists aren't familiar with. In this case the father was the narcissistic person while the mother and the children suffered from the narcissistic love. Suddenly getting to visually experience violent scenes, made me feel weak and tender .

My father was the unconditional narcissist lover. I wanted to hate my mother for accepting all of this nonsense in her life for years. But I couldn’t. I wouldn’t . I can’t hate her . I loved her. As I sat back and lit up all of the letters on fire that I had received from him. I had never looked back.

Narcissists decided to take advantage of my father this caused him to act aggressively. They were both blinded by this so called narcissistic love. A horrifying prisoned type of love. Insanity in my pulses still pump as my heart races fast and i remember the blood that dripped down my mother's forehead. Being dragged into this deeply held belief that we so call love or at least we sleep on the thought of it being called that, when it’s most definitely not. I will always believe that narcissistic love is present out in the world waiting to demolish someone else.

My heart was racing as my mind was chasing after a fear I couldn’t let go of. The type of fear I wouldn’t allow anyone one to recognize because I was afraid to be done wrong. Although many might have this fear it’s not contagious. I wanted to believe that the word second chance wasn’t a scheme. I remember being terrified of falling cards filled with disappointments and regrets. I recall having a broken heart shattered into pieces as I sat there thinking about all the chances I gave others. Deciding whether or not it was worth it to even reflect thoughts around second chances since, that’s my greatest fear of all.

“Don’t fall for it, don’t look back,” I whispered to myself everytime i thought about giving a second chance. The reason I despite giving second chances is because, I don’t forget words said out of anger and I most definitely don’t forget crying myself to sleep at night. Even when I forgive, I don’t forget. This fear of mine has woken me up from a nightmare, it made me realize my worth and values and if someone was going to get hurt again it was not going to be me again. Thinking I could change my past by snapping my fingers together or blinking a couple times but, reality is fatal.

I honestly think that in this world people only come back when they think it’s the most convenient for themselves. I’m just afraid to give someone a flower and watch it frown in their hands once again. I’m scared of giving second chances and missing out on better opportunities that would’ve made my flower blossom. I don’t think I’ll ever give this fear a second chance because second chances aren't my thing it’s just a conspiracy to me.