Nothing
When my world is quiet...normal...I feel that I am nothing.
Ariel stuck in the mud while the sea swirls around me.
Can't go up
Can't swim away
Can't change and fight
At times I'm so tired of the fight that I just want to lay down.
There are those moments of precious perfection that I'm happy with my provision, but mostly I feel so shatteringly hindered that I feel I'm gone.
Catapulted into a great space of nothingness.
Every day trying to fill the vastness with food, fun, friends, and faith. Still it is there like massive hemorrhaging wound.
Never closing
Always bleeding
Growing year after year.
Often I feel I'm in triage waving my arms begging for attention,
No one is there to hear.
The people all around are louder, always there asking, begging, expecting more
From me.
But there is nothing left.
Just the vast expanse of nothingness
Longing to be heard.
Seeking same
It's December first somewhere on the globe as I write this piece. The time for giving. The time for love and family. All I ponder lately is the love...
Seeking same?
Seeking similar?
Seeking one man.
Seeking someone with a kind heart.
Seeking someone who smiles.
Seeking conversations and debates.
Seeking someone who listens to hear and not just respond.
Seeking a man who wants to give back without expectation of receiving anything.
Seeking a kindred spirit.
Seeking a reader of great works of fiction.
Seeking a watcher of movies.
Seeking a lover of laughter
Seeking someone who wants to relish the small moments.
Seeking someone who wants to be around for the big moments
Seeking a friend with a shoulder on which I can cry.
Seeking someone who doesn't TRY to make me cry.
Seeking someone with ambition- though not in career but in life.
Seeking someone who is seeking the same
Seeking someone who is seeking similar.
Seeking a man who is seeking me.
Thursday November 27
Today I am thankful for being too sick to go anywhere and yet well enough to make a dinner for the small family gathered at my house.
Every thanksgiving 35 people gather into a small space and cook too much food and do too many things. This thanksgiving was quite different. Me, my sons, and their father. Just the four of us and a small bird. Too many left overs and too much food went uncooked, but I think I have enough groceries to get us through to next payday. So for that too I am grateful.
A day where I didn't need to leave the house is also enough to be grateful.
Tomorrow the stores will be teaming with people and yet...I will still be home. Enjoying the small things and quiet times.
Where ever you are what ever you are doing I hope you have had the day you were hoping for and are grateful whatever the result.
Happy thanksgiving!
The fight
Saturday I took the kids to Mockingjay part one. It was good, but it is not the purpose of this piece. I note it to reference a scene.
In this seen Katniss is in District 8, The president has ordered the bombing of a hospital because all of the people were on her side. She looks at the camera and yells, "...if we burn you burn!"
I am referencing this seen because tonight Twitter lit up like a wildfire before, during and after the grand jury decision in Ferguson. I understand why, but I don't understand the how. Instead of peaceful protest there are people causing a riot scene. This was not the goal of those whose intention was a peaceful demonstration, but the mob will gather like wildfire hunting oxygen.
The reasons are vast from racism to classism to the powerful versus the powerless. Everyone feels on edge. Some in the crowd have determined it is their job to loot, burn and steal from the community.
I wonder if these people feel like Katniss. So depressed from the oppression and the violence against themselves that they just want someone else to feel their pain or perhaps just want someone else to suffer.
It's almost human nature to automatically react with violence to a violent situation. Oh how I wish it wasn't. "If we burn, you burn."
The fight that is happening now is a difficult one to grasp. Do we side with the peaceful protesters and acknowledge the injustice of the events that have occurred and fight for a real resolution or do we say that the rule of law was used and the reality of the decision should be supported?
Why is this a fight?
Because a boy was walking home and an officer shot him 12 times. If he was threatening fine shoot him, get him to the ground and cuff him, but 12 times? That's excessive by any measure of the imagination.
Then there is the 12 year old who was killed by an officer this weekend because his toy gun didn't have an orange tip. Do we live in the Sudan where child armies roam? If you see a 12 year old with a gun especially if it looks like an automatic you don't shoot! You just don't. It shouldn't take a genius IQ to know that you shouldn't shoot.
My heart breaks a little for the condition of our nation, for the sadness of today, and the feelings of injustice that seem to permeate every corner. I don't know whose side to take so I take the side of humanity.
I take the side that says stop killing each other. Stop assuming that people are inherently evil. Believe in the good of the world. Hope that the kindness you give will be returned to you.
I never thought I'd age, no one ever does...you see when you're young and waiting for life to begin it never feels like you've begun. It always feels like you're waiting. But the eyes they capture everything. The eyes see each storm and every joy. In time, they gather laugh lines around the corners and worry lines form in between from hours of responsibility. Below is a shadow, whether from a night of partying the night before or a sleepless child the onlooker will never know.
The eyes they are the doorways to the soul. The points of light and shadow that show our age yet are ageless.
Glowing orbs of green light surrounded by darkness and yet there is light. Throughout my life my eyes have changed from blue to green to a golden brown, but in recent years the depth of the green has grown stronger, the flux between shades is permanent a foresty emerald.
