Missed Memories
On the inside, staring out with a head that is fogged and full of doubt,
They preach ‘It’s okay, we are all here together’
But we need to remember, not everywhere has this stormy weather
The glistening rainbow on the wall of the bubble
Makes the outside look inviting, an oasis from this desolate rubble,
It’s easy to forget that the clock ticks on,
and the pages of the calendar get ripped off, one by one
But in here it is safe, it is clean and hygienic, and we don’t have to check-in
It’s home, it’s the known, I can feel it,
But the outside comes inside, and an itch starts to form, on the wall,
Of my now-red, bruised brain, and my confident barrier falls
And no matter how many of those sticks infiltrate my brain,
Or those distasteful foam lollypops take to my mouth and make it drain,
No matter how many times I get told it’s okay, it’s not real, you would feel it,
It’s all in your head, it’s impregnated my senses, and I’m senseless, and I reel from it
It’s okay now, sure, but it’s a matter of time, because like a hound it’s hunting us down,
One by one we succumb, knocked down, found, we’re one of the infected now
And I’m starting to forget what it felt like before, no crosses marked on the floor,
No suffocating covers that take our voices, making each of us just like the person before
Life will never be the same, this pain cannot be washed away by the rain,
All we can do is hope for a new day, with the suns blistering heat burning away the pain,
Making way for the new day, one where we all get to play, and run, and grow
With the faint memory of innocence that this generation will never get to know.
Heartbroken haze
Am I the problem? Am I the variable in an otherwise clear cut scenario? I try to make my heart known but somehow that makes the fear grow.
Am I the problem? Am I giving too much away? Falling for everything even though I stand for so much, with just a touch, or a whisper it fades.
Am I the problem? Am I driving the crowd? Is my pitch fork higher, sharper, am I yelling too loud? Am I drowning them out, the voices so silent, am I supposed to hear more than them all? Should I just know? Is that’s what’s expected, is that what I’ve shown?
I am the problem, I feel to real and I can’t seem to deal when the truth is revealed I just heel.
I don’t walk ahead.
I don’t stand with pride.
I step aside. And I break. With every hit that I take from each grass covered snake. The poison will spread, to my head, so I retreat to my bed and I write, with my pen I take flight I won’t stand to fight because the past has displayed that it only leads to pain.
And I pray that the snake finds it peace because that’s who I am. I don’t wish for its end or it’s night or it’s passing, I’m just asking for peace within and without because it’s karma I’m banking and I’m to weak to be plotting, the poison is knotting it’s way through my soul, my goal is convoluted. The plan was executed, perfectly.
And now as I fade into yet another heartbroken haze when the snake has betrayed yet another new phase, I know I’m the problem, in so many ways.
Tired.
I’m tired.
I’m tired of lockdown.
I’m tired of feeling overwhelmed.
I’m tired of worrying about Covid.
I’m tired of feeling too many things at once.
I’m tired of online uni.
I’m tired of feeling guilty that online schooling isn’t happening with my boys.
I’m tired of trying my best and failing to meet the mark.
I’m tired long days and long nights.
I’m tired of being scared to leave the house.
I know that others have it worse. I know how lucky I am. I am grateful that we have each other and we have our health.
But I’m tired.
Change
In the eye of the storm
I realise, my mind is closed, heart open wide
Don’t remember the journey
Just the temptation, one quick jolt, no hesitation
Why wouldn’t I? What’s to stop me?
I know, I know, there’s three that need me
Selfish thoughts, pushed aside
But I can’t hide, the pit inside
First I falter, then I fall, down this never ending hall, It’s amazing that I breathe at all
Each time harder than the last
Each pastime never in the past, I suck the air in shallow and fast
A thick black mark, dark, stains my brain, darts across my heart, it thrives on pain, drives on, growing strong, hidden in a sad song
The smile goes on
Authentically plastic
Stand up quick, tell them you were just sick
Each day until the next day
Night fades away, the hurt stays and I pray
And the scars
The scars built from shame,
Dulling the flame, suffocating my brain
But today, today is another day
A new day, not a blue day
Because I took a pill today
And so I change.
External confidence
Internal fear
No one knows
Except those who are near
Expecting love
Receiving less
They won’t listen
There’s no need to confess
Fading strength
Depleted health
Missed opportunities
Losing yourself
Always listening
Never heard
So much is said
Without saying a word
It’s time to stand up
To raise your head high
To loosen the shackles
At last you must fly
Abused and unused
Your wings may be weak
Never fear, I will carry you
And be your voice when you speak
Never again
Will we be apart
Because you may not know it
But you have a piece of my heart
Light at the end of the sleeve
Sluggish movement
Body and mind
A healthy soul
Left far behind
Frightful future
Decision made
Time for change
Prepare the blade
Knocked out
A piece removed
Groggy thoughts
Life improved
Weight lost
Sanity gained
Feeling good
Brain unchained
Free to show
The inside out
Put to rest
The years of doubt
Finally real
Show colours true
Nothing compares
To the authentic you
Day in day out
Early start
Nothing new
Someone's crying
I smell poo
Bottle made
Toast has popped
Two are fighting
Milk was dropped
Toy tub emptied
Coffee: hot
One screams out
They're stuck in the cot
Load of laundry
Washed and dried
Coffee: warm
Kids are outside
Time to sit down
Coffee: lukewarm
Heading out back
To watch monkeys perform
Finally sitting
Hope peeking through
Coffee: ice cold
Damn I smell poo
Poem by a four year old
There once lived a dragon
Big and blue
He swam in the water
He was forty two
He lived in a castle
With lots of windows and stairs
And he ate lots of watermelon,
Apples and pears
He didn't have friends
And he felt sad
No one wanted to play
Because he shot fire when he was mad
But then all of a sudden
One bright sunny day
A young man named Toby
Came over to play
They played with some kittens
And they played with some dogs
And some rabbits and elephants
And even some frogs
At the end of the day
The sun started to set
It was a friendship so special
That they'd never forget
By Marky and Mummy
My four year old and I were talking about rhyming words and he decided he wanted to write. A poem together. He made all the decisions about where the story would go, and helped me find rhyming words.
That girl
She's beautiful, radiant, hair flowing free
Bright happy lipstick, skirt above the knee
Her smile is wide and her eyes sparkle bright
and her laugh is infectious, bubbly and light
But hidden behind her guise set so well
Her soul and her brain are trapped in their hell
The darkness takes hold and the fog rolls in fast
She questions how long this blackout will last
She takes a deep breath and hopes for the best
It feels like a black hole laying deep in her chest
It's constant, the feeling of not being enough
And she's terrified of somebody calling her bluff
She thinks she's alone, not deserving of love
Family and friends she feels unworthy of
She has no idea what others can see
How much they hope that one day she is free
She's caring and strong and funny and smart
She's wise and she's loving and she has a pure heart
One day she may find her, that girl they all know
Until then they remind her and watch as she grows