I have had more than my piece of the pie

I lost my best friend, now my dad might die

My bestie died of cancer when I was only 11

Now my dad is diagnosed, i'm only a freshman

Trying to pretend everything is really ok

Acting like my life is really going great

Complaining about homework and wearing cutoff jeans

I will never get the chance to be a normal teen

chatting like an adult, acting indifferent

When inside I am tangled, twisted and ripped

Going to bed crying, hurt so much I can't breathe

Reminding myself to act fine,

Act like a normal teen

a 5% chance of 3 more years

how is this even real

He won't be at my wedding

or my graduation

he won't be there to pick me up

or brush away my tears

It is happening again

I am loosing what I love

I think I drew the short straw

this is so flipping wrong

White string on my ankle

A leather strap

A plastic chain bangle

A ribbon scrap

A bracelet of grieving

I hold it back

It holds untold meaning

A charm bracelet map

My memories of you

Held in a scrap

This is about this anklet I have. It has several "charms". It reminds me of the good times, the bad times, all the things I love, all the things I hate. The first charm is from when I found my calling. The second, is when I became confident in my abilities. The third is for the 1 year anniversary of when my best friend died.

I sit on the platform, with sweat dripping down my back

I let the kids have the fan, il live

I remember that time last summer, when I almost passed out, and drank out of the horse water trough

That trough had algae in it

A kid walks over, and asks me a question

Huh? 

The kid repeats her question

Then she leads me off, her braids bumping her back with every step

I glance at the hulking beast known as Ivy

I grab the hoof pick off the ground, and lean into his side, 

I smack his leg when he wont pick up the hoof

Sweat drips off my forehead, onto the dust

I pick up his hoof, and do a quick job of cleaning it before he tries to put it back down

The kid continues cleaning the old horse, and another kid comes over

This one, asks me to help her catch a horse

I tell her to go try, and bring a buddy with her into the field

She walks off, to grab a rope

The best way to teach them, is to show them what they can do on their own

A little kid sitting next to me on the platform turns to me

“Have you ever fallen off a horse?”

“loads of times, yeah”

“Oh...”

The kid turns back to her friends

A little boy  walks up to me, limping with blisters on his feet

“Can we have the popsicles now”

“No”

“Why..?!”

“Because we have them on the hottest day of the week, and that's tomorrow.”

“But it's hot now!”

“And it will be even worse tomorrow”

He walks off, stumbling a little

Just then, a clattering comes from behind the barn

I run out, but i'm too late

Riptide broke into the feed again

I grab the rope an embarrassed looking kid hands me

And haul the horse’s head up

I attach the rope to a different spot on her halter, for more control

And remind the kid, that is why Riptide always goes in the other entrance to the barn

I hand the kid the rope, and walk back in to the barn

A kid took my spot on the platform, but I don’t take it back

I stand, and my knees complain

Just then, the kids sitting in front of the fan all start shouting, because somebody put dirt in the fan, and it blew over everybody

I remind them that I will take away fan privileges if it happens again.

I sit on the ground, near all the kids

I'm the only counselor who eats lunch with the kids

I sip my soda, as the little boy with the blisters, who is sitting next to me, 

rambles on about that time he rode his uncles horse, and it galloped

He cries every time we put him on a horse

I am very doubtful of this story.

I stand up, and pour out my soda on some of the plants

I toss the can to the trash 

Then, I shout across the tables, “i'll trade my ice pack for some gummies”

A few kids wave their hands, and I make a trade.

The kid presses the ice pack to her forehead, and I rip open the gummies.

I am helping that kid not get cavities.

Blister kid starts asking me if I have galloped, because he has and bla bla bla

I shove a few gummies into his hand, hoping for momentary peace.

* dont mind my bad grammer/spelling, it is because at horse camp, you are too tired to worry about little things like that.

this is the first poem I wrote from my feelings, and my most recent, on the same topic. they are about a stuffed animal. can you see the improvement? I can. the first one is more recnt, the one below it is older.

Glossy eyes

Threadbare ears

Whimpering cries

Unshed tears

The last of my allies

You take my fears

You empathize

It  could be a year

It could be an instant

I hold you dear

The tears are persistent

Every fear 

You have always listened

Fur matted with tears, new and old

And with secrets that reside

For it is you who I lean on

 you who I hold

For when my best friend died

You have always been there

And together we grow old

With or without her

You will always be my friend

Even when she left this world

You are who I hold

Your glossy eyes stare at me

So I turn your head away

I have not held you,

Hugged you,

Or kissed you in so long

Because I have been feeling strong

But when my world started to crumble

You are who I went to cuddle

Because you were always there

And always will be my friend

I write out the memories, so I wont forget

I made a promise I don’t regret

Almost every day before she moved to Baltimore

She told me never to forget, and I promised and I swore

So when she passed away the promise took new meaning

For some time I failed when I was deeply grieving

But now I'm ready to be brave and share her story with the world

So if you read carefully I will share the story of a girl

I wish your hand was in mine so we could face this together

You were my best friend, we were better together

You kept making me promise never to forget you

It was an obsession that did not beset you

But every single time you asked, I promised on my life

And when you passed away, it twisted the knife

Some of me wished to forget, put the promise to rest

Most of me wanted to honor you, and your last wish

People kept hugging me, or offering to talk with me 

I always declined, I was not ready

I found resolve in writing what I was feeling

At first it was just jumbles of anguish and grieving

But eventually I started writing out her story

The story only I can tell, in her memory

People just moved on like it was no big deal

Like it never happened, like I will heal

But there is a crack running straight through my head

Everything I see or think reminds me that your dead

People around me have just sort of moved on

No longer pretending to be sorry that your gone

They no longer talk quietly behind my back

They no longer question my anxiety attacks

They stopped staring when I slam my head against the wall

They stopped talking when I curl up in a ball

Oh how I wish you were here, with your hand in mine

Together we could pretend everything is fine

Some days I feel you by my side

Right before you died, you wished to be a guardian 

And I feel your presence now, helping me write these words

She flashes me a smile, and disappears in a blur

You drop in on me sometimes,

Watching me do my homework or play with my pet snail

Whenever I write it's like she comes and watches

She feeds me the words, and I write the memories

I feel this warm flair in my chest whenever she appears

I used to think it was anxiety, now I know it means your here

She sits on my bed, then flops onto her back

She studies my dresses, pointing out her favorites

She sits next to me, whispers in my ear

Tells me that when I need her, she will be here

It's been a year since that day

A year since you passed away

My life is nothing, becoming frayed

Without you I am afraid

Losing you caused so much pain

Tears fall from my face like rain

The good times always betray

Hidden in plain sight

With dark eyes, you watch

Some show fear in their eyes, you do not

You stand in defiance

Buckskin hair, free of dust or dirt

Antlers, showing wear and tear

Dark lines of scars, you are a fighter

Tough, strong muscles, relaxed, you know you are in charge

In an instant, you tense and spring, like a salmon you lunge

Your hooves the color of dried blood, your eyes never leave mine

Full of grace and power you leap with ease

Muscles rippling, beauty to hide the threat you pose

Ears flopping, the only part of you that is not threatening.

Unblinking eyes, never leaving mine

I am young, you could easily take me on

But you leap away, you would only fight a worthy opponent

can you guess what animal this is describing?

even harder, can you guess what point of view this is from, and what story is being told?

Wishing well, oh wishing well

Oh how I wish that I could dwell

And wish for powers or magic spells

But I must pass without farewell

just random thoughts.