I drowned in her the way I had feared as a child I would drown in cartoon quicksand. It was unexpected. Gradual. I was trapped before I even noticed a trap had been set for me. And there was no way out.

She captured my attention in a way none had before her. I never understood how she could demand so much of me without a single word passing her lips. Yet, there I was - fully prepared to leave everything at the first breath she sent in my direction. A single gasp. A subtle scoff. Overwhelmed by her essence and entranced by her spirit. It was a question of passion, not of autonomy. She ruled my senses, my desires, and my aspirations.

She destroyed my soul in a way I’d never anticipated. Picked me apart piece by piece, word by word, breath by breath. There was no longer a part of me remaining when she decided she had had her fun. She was miles from me before I realized what she had done. What she had stolen from me. How she had changed me.

A war between two personalities commanded my brain. Two sides of a single being. Two value systems. Two worldviews. Two demons fighting for control over a single soul. As if she had implanted herself in my psyche. She sat on my shoulder. She appeared in the background of my reflection. She watched over my shoulder and whispered in my ear.

My mind was not my own. She owned me.

She abducted my soul without ever lifting a finger against me.

Ashes to Ashes

Dust to Dust

Let me say something useful

Let me make a change for the better

I will learn to be better

I will listen to be better

Yesterday is gone

Burned to nothingness

Tomorrow is unknown

A fog covered expanse

Today is here

Today is now

Today is present and active and moving

I will live in today

Tell me how to change

Tell me how to help

Tell me what to do

Tell me what to say

I have been changed

I have been reborn

Opportunity

for more

My hands are open

Ready

Willing

Capable

Tell me how to use them

To build a new world

A better world

A brighter world

From the ashes, I was born

To the ashes, I return

The time between

That belongs to you

He wasn't anything special. I mean, he thought he was. That's for sure. But to be completely honest, he's average. Normal. Plain. I guess that was why I fell for him. I saw through it. The bravado. The indifference. The arrogance. How long has he lived in a world that had a predisposed idea that he'd be a god walking amongst men? Too long.

He wasn't anything special. God, he thought he was. That's for sure. But to be completely honest, he's average. NORMAL. Plain? I guess that was my issue with him. I. Saw. Through it. The bravado. The indifference. The arrogance. How long has he lived in a world that had a predisposed idea that he'd be a god walking amongst me? TOO LONG.

In the midst of the chaos, breathe.

In the midst of the storm, do.

On the verge of a break, try.

On the edge of the cliff, turn.

When it seems too much, go.

When it's getting too heavy, wait.

Breathe.

My face. Nothing but my face.

For months on end, I've seen nothing but my face.

My voice. Nothing but my voice.

For days at a time, there is nothing but my voice.

My heat. Nothing but my own heat.

Who would have thought I'd crave the feeling over another's body heat?

Days and weeks and months. Seconds and minutes and hours.

My mind - never shutting off.

My anxieties - ripping me to shreds.

My hope - slowly slipping from my grasp.

Peace, why did you take so long to find me?

Rest, why did you abandon me so quickly?

Home, why do you seem like a prison?

Choice. That's what I've taken for granted.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

If I say it enough, will this change? Will normalcy return?

I'm sorry for the times I rejected community.

I'm sorry for the days I spent without contacting family.

I'm sorry for the false excuses I offered to stay home.

I'm sorry.

My heart aches. I restlessly wait at the door. Counting down the days and seconds and moments. Human contact. Oh, the time I've craved human contact.

The door opens, and the sun's heat fills me.

How different it is when it speaks of freedom rather than temporary distraction.

I'm sorry, Sun, for the days I went without seeing you.

The wind brushes my skin, lifting goose bumps across my body.

How thrilling it is when it rustles the hair at my nape.

I'm sorry, Wind, for the times I complained you were too much or too messy.

My heart is in my throat. Tears flood my eyes.

I'm sorry, friends, for not loving you as well as I should have.

My arms couldn't hold you long enough.

My shoulders couldn't bear your burdens with you.

My body was exhausted by your excitement.

My mind couldn't keep up with your plans.

But, look.

My arms are open, ready to hold you close.

My shoulders are strong. Please, feel free to lean on them.

My body is revived. Let's dance together.

My mind is open. What do you want to do next?

Love.

It's nice to meet you. I feel as though this is a whole new introduction. I'm ready to know you fully. Intimately. Unconditionally.

Let me love you. Let me love you well.

#love #introvert #revive #new #isolation #sarscov2 #quarantine #challenge #april challenge #prose