He said goodbye to me over text a few days ago. It wasn't a forever goodbye, more like an "until we meet again" goodbye. I wanted to tell him that the night before I wanted to kiss him. I'd missed him, a lot. And I didn't. I said goodbye and haven't allowed myself to talk to him. It kills me to not be able to give him one last hug, breathe in his scent one last time. That's all I really wanted before I left. I'm left crushed because I didn't take a chance and live in the moment. I allowed myself to overthink the situation and ruin what could have been a perfect date.

Have you ever just hit that stage in your life where all you think is “fuck it all?” Well, I have. I know what it’s like to not be able to touch the one you love. Not due to an illness, but because they’re gone. They’ve left you and when you see them it only hurts. Seeing them brings your heart closer to breaking, then they hug you and your heart shatters. I may be able to touch them, but not without my heart shattering, so it’s better to not touch them, as much as it hurts.

Touch is... well, it’s what we need in our lives to help show affection and endearence. The touch of soft lips on the neck, their breath sending chills down your spine. The brush of fingertips against your thigh. And I never knew that until I lost the ability to touch the one I love. The one I love more than anything in this world. It's been 8 months since he left, and it still feels like being stabbed in the heart whenever he asks for a hug and I have to deny it. The tightness in my chest becomes stronger whenever he's around.

I'm up most nights thinking.

Thinking of what could have been.

Thinking of what I should have said.

Thinking of what is different.

With you gone,

I don't know what to do.

I feel so lost and empty

Inside.

Ever since you left,

There's a hole

Where half my soul

Was once nested.

I can't help but

Try to fill the void.

With lust and

Friendly love.

If I could go back,

To when the problems arose,

I would and I would fight.

Fight harder for us.

I miss you everyday.

I think about you everyday.

You're truly my soulmate.

I love you more even though

you're

gone.

Late nights spent texting.

Late night spent calling.

Late nights spent laughing.

Late nights spent crying.

We've all shared at least two of these types of

Late nights with the ones

We care for deeply.

The ones we never want

To see any type of harm come to;

Whether it be physical or emotional.

These people are the ones you miss

Talking to after two minutes of

Them hanging up the phone or

Not replying to a message.

They're the ones you

Find comfort in talking to.

You may not realize

Right away who these people are.

But they're the ones who are

There through the thick and thin.

The ones who would never

Dream to abandon you.

Late nights spent talking to these people

Are the ones that remind me that there

Is still good in the world.

There through the thik and thin.,

Not every girl is a bitch.

That I am loved, when I feel most alone.

Late nights spent crying.

Late night spent laughing.

Late nights spent calling.

Late nights spent texting.

Late nights with you.

March 20, 2019; A date I won’t soon forget. The night was dark and chill as I stepped out my front door to meet my friend. I walked to the end of the driveway with an idiotic smile upon my face and no shoes on my feet. It had only been a few months since I’d last seen him, but it felt like an eternity. He got out of his car and threw a grey hoodie - his grey hoodie - at me. Surprisingly, I caught it before it hit the ground. I walked over to him and gave him a hug. In the cold air, his body against mine felt like a furnace heating a room. After talking for a bit, we momentarily went inside. Next thing I knew the cold air was against my skin again, as we went for a walk in my neighborhood. I remember he picked me up and I begged do be put back on the ground. Though now? I wish I was back in his arms. Even though I hate being picked up, I felt safe in his arms. We found ourselves at a childs playgrouns around 9 o’clock at night. I sat on the ground, watching him momentarily play before-

“Is that optioin for bringing you the hoodie still on the table?” He asked softly looking from the star-filled sky to me.

I looked at him, a smirk on my face, “Depends. Can you remind me what that was?”

“You know.” Was all he replied.

I glanced at his lips as I bit mine. I didn’t want to be the one to kiss him first, but I figured I’d have to be. I put a hand on his cheek and we both leaned in. His soft lips met my chapped ones. A rush of emotion washed over me as I lost myself in the kiss. I had pulled away to lean onto his shoulder, in hopes of hiding the smile on my face. About thirty minutes later, I pulled away from him, almost breathless. Soon after I pulled away, we began our trek back to my house. Once there, I pulled him out of view of the camera on my doorstep to give him a final kiss. Only, I didn’t know that this would be our last kiss. His hand on my cheek, sliding toward the back of my neck to pull me closer. Our lips meeting the others halfway, as if they fit together perfectly; As if they knew what to do. My hand running through his soft, silky hair. A whispered “I love you,” with the response of a deeper kiss.

That’s how I’ll always remember

our

last

kiss.

P.S. I love you. I sincerely hope you’re doing well.

"That's it!" she sits up straight, abruptly. You can see the imprints of the boards on her skin. "That's why they say you fall into love, because it's, like, terrifying. Think of something that you can fall off or into that isn't scary. You can't! Right? So it's basically falling into the worst thing; love, quicksand. And you can't get out of it. The more you try, the more it drags you in. Then you're stuck and the sand goes over your fave and you're trying to breathe in much and you know you're going to die and then you do. That would be a terrible way to die, right? The worst thing I can think of."

-Quote from You Are the Everything by Karen Rivers

Smile.

Click.

Hear the camera shutter.

Smile.

Click.

Do they see the tears?

Smile.

Click.

Don’t be just another.

Smile.

Click.

Don’t let them know your fears.

Smile.

Click.

Loss of breath.

Smile.

Click.

Stomach in a whirl.

Smile.

Click.

Why does this feel like death?

Smile.

Click.

The truth starts to unfurl.

Smile.

Blink.

End of the charade.

-Written August 5, 2018-

Frustration takes over

Why does he just

Keep looking at his

Phone and ignoring me?

- - -

Lost and alone.

Confused and upset.

Where to go

From here?

Where to run?

- - -

Lost, but secure.

Found, but confused.

- - -

The tears sting my eyes,

But none fall down my cheek.

Focus on one place. It help.

Don't let them see your weakness.

Don't ever let them see your tears.

What is this emotion

That I tend to feel

When he's around me?

Is it love or is it lust?

Loss of breath and

The quickening of a

Heartbeat.

Does he feel love or lust?

Love and lust

Often get confused

With each other.

Which do I feel?

Can you fall into lust

As you can love or

Do you just feel lust?

Which do I feel?

I don't think I've ever been as

Lost as I feel right now.

No one has ever

Broken such a vow.

Feeling lost and alone.

I should be used to this.

It's not like I've grown

Used to being wanted.

I honestly don't know where

I'm going with this

The words just appear there

And somewhat make sense.

I don't know what

I'm doing anymore.

Feeling alone and scared.

Maybe I close the door...

To life? To writing?

To music? To love?

Close the door without fighting?

For what I need the most?