A curious thing, a promise is. Irrespective of fact, circumstance, temperament, weather, anything really, the keeping of a promise ought to be the most steadfast thing humanity has ever created! It is, however, no such thing. In fact, it very likely contributes a great deal to quite the opposite of that most fundamental of aspirations: permanence.

Promises show us all who humans really are. They show us that humans are, indeed, very imperfect, very unreliable, and intrinsically susceptible to behaving against their own self interest. If anything, promises show us what a remarkable thing it is that humans have been able to develop and flourish so extravagantly across the face of the Earth despite having as many intensely volatile attributes as they do.

Promises are the chunky, irregular nuggets of sea salt in the undulating caramel of life- an important metric in evaluating the myriad permeable qualities of human personality. Observing how someone utilizes and organizes their relationships around promises and promise-like commitments with other people and things is tantamount to complete surveillance of a person’s doings.

It was a strange question, indeed. Of course, everyone in the group heard the rumble. Everyone in the city heard the rumble. It takes a considerably insecure person to ask such an obvious question, clearly in the hopes of soliciting a reassuring response from someone else, someone more temporally confident given the present disconcernment.

Nonetheless, the question was posed, and now all the members of the group had to deal with the open, festering wound of uncertainty and dread that now befell them, and all this compounded by the fact they also now contained within their numbers a particular individual who required a high degree of psychological chaperoning, a condition likely to leave him ultimately abandoned and off to fend for himself so the group may avoid his incessant incompetence and baggage.

Cruel, you say? Then you say so alone. Cruel would be endangering the entire group because one person’s incompetence poses an unnecessary threat.

Unfair, to leave a man behind, you say? Hasn’t he had his entire life to cultivate his intelligence? He is an adult man; requiring any degree of parenting at this point in his life is a condition that should leave him considered intellectually stunted. There must be a point wherein an individual’s capabilities are sized up, measured, and evaluated for survival benefit. This is exactly the type of situation that so inarguably requires deciding factors that may seem cruel to the civilized sensibility. This is exactly the type of situation that requires unsympathetic reasoning; as such is the only reasoning Mother Nature recognizes.

Yes, we all heard the rumble, and that is why now, you find yourself strapped to this chair, the rest of your independent life in front of you for you to do with as you please. Whether you intended such a result or not, the group cannot be placed in front of a decision wherein they must consider the emotional insecurities of certain individuals. I know it is of no reassurance to you to tell you not to worry, but don’t worry. The glue of your bonds will dissolve in 24 hours. You will not know which direction we have headed, and we will take painstaking precautions to ensure false trails are laid and our path is concealed from you from this point forward. If you still cannot understand why you have found yourself in this predicament, then that misunderstanding should be considered all the evidence you need to comprehend your newfound independence.

Good luck. I believe that you will need it. I sincerely hope you do survive. Perhaps, you may even learn something along the way.

The real problem is, however, why I am so closely considering the reasoning and line of thinking of this voice in my head.

“I’m not just a voice in your head. Though, I am a voice… and I am in your head…but I’m not you. And yes, you must consider what I say. It is only in your best interest.”

How am I supposed to know you are advising me in my best interest?

“How could I possibly continue to exist in your mind if your mind is destroyed. Trust me. It’s much better if you keep your wits about you.”

Well, I agree, but-

“Unless you truly believe that you have conjured me from some primordial psychological depths within you for the sole and direct intent of driving your own self bonkers, then you must understand that this is not a joke, and that my presence here is significant and worth your attention. So are we ready to nip it with the nitpicking and get on with it? You’re certainly not getting any smarter with all this time you’re pissin’ away.“

Okay, fine. I can’t argue with any of that. What’s the plan again?

“I need to know that you really believe my presence here isn’t going to be a problem. I’m not going anywhere, and I feel like you’ve acquiesced to my explanations with not a great deal of resistance. Now I’m concerned with the accuracy of the briefing I was given about your intellectual preparedness in this endeavor. Do you feel you have the resilience we will require moving forward?”

What will occur moving forward?

“That information shouldn’t matter in order for you to answer the question.”

Fine. Yes. I am ready. Obviously.

“Mmm hm.”

… So what do I do?

“Spit that shit out. I hate the way it tastes.”

This is my favorite food. I’m not going to stop eating it just because you’re sharing my headspace.

“Are you sure you want to upset me like that?”

… …Yes.

“You have crossed a line in the sand, ma’am. Enjoy your dreams tonight while I make myself at home in your consciousness. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Cutting off the flow of information, the vital circulatory function of the populace, was always a primary initiative. Unlike a noose, though, this particular method of increasing restriction was, by design, intended to sever at its terminus. Unlike a noose, whose success as a utility is dependent upon gravity exerting enough force on an object to constrict its respiratory function, the success of this plan will be marked by the distinct separation and labeling of the target demographic, then its subsequent vilification, followed closely by admonishment, ridicule, reprimand, and then punitive measures, usually exile or incarceration, though extra-judicial “solutions” are also known to occur with great reported frequency.

It is all very simple. Once the target demographic is manipulated to feel as if their own privileged source of information has become compromised by the opposition, and now serves as a duplicitous puppet, they, themselves, will tear apart their own power structure, ripping the infrastructure of their own life raft to shreds. As is often the case, it is in the tireless pursuit of one’s own self-interest that one can wreak so much havoc and irreparable damage to one’s own wellbeing. That self-interest, then becomes “Self-interest”, and a much handier and more desirable weapon of internal destruction to one’s enemies. Why then, does it seem they are so heartily invested in creating so many enemies? Perhaps the question matters not; they are, after all, on their last legs… as it were…

Thusly, it was that his inability to hide in a crowd that became his greatest asset to the task at hand, which was, of course, diverting all manner of public attention away from the door at the back of the room. The beauty of it all was that, in order to cause such a scene, all he had simply to do was appear in the open, unencumbered by any obscuring adornment or architectural outcropping. For nobody who had never seen him before had surely ever before seen such a person with such remarkably broad shoulders. It wasn’t that he was tall, and that the shoulders were of a noteworthy but still commensurate proportional width; though he was, indeed, tall, over 210 centimeters. It was that his shoulders stretched out to either side of his head with what appeared to be three times the typical length! Seeming as though four additional skulls could be neatly lined up on both sides of his face and all rest comfortably across the breadth of his collar, his own head (perfectly proportional in size relative to his height, however unfortunately irrelevant that is) seemed so miniscule and insignificant sitting there all alone on its broad perch, already noticeably higher than the average bystander around. So, as you can imagine, a simple distraction was his forte, and he was much obliged to aid and abet for the handsome fee he was paying paid to be held on retainer: an innocent party “all wrapped up” in something he “couldn’t have known about”.

“I don’t care! Why would I care if there are instructions or not?”

“Only authorized use of this microwave is approved for your lease, Ms. Puvvix.”

“Just cook the picture.”

“Only authorized use of thi-”

“Just cook the fuckin picture! You’re a microwave! Microwave the fucking picture! Cook it! COOK IT!”

Beep. Beep. Bloop. Beeee-ip.

“Only authorized use of this microwave is approved for your lease, Ms. Puvvix.”

“Oh… my god…”

“Would you like to access the incinerator?”

“What? What the shit?! You could’ve done that this whole time? Yes. Incinerator. Yes, please.”

“Right away.”

Ffa-poofff!

“Would you like to incinerate the deposited item, Ms. Puvvix?”

“Oh, my god, that was fast. Yes, cook it. Thank you. Wow. I’m sorry I yelled at you a second ago.”

“It’s no problem, ma’am. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

“Uh...nnnnnnnnnnn-no… Thank you.”

“Of course, ma’am.”

…

…

“Huh...”

A curious occurrence, given that what came was, in fact, itself, nothing physical at all. Nonetheless, as soon as the thought washed over her, that sensational wave of epiphany that so often dramatically realigned the course of her life, the unmistakable odor of the blue beyond rubbing up against the shoreline wafted in and soured her face. It was a small price to pay, and she was, these days, becoming more and more used to it, which could only be good news, intellectually. And it was with such increased frequency that her fondness for the musty, salty, ocean breeze grew in kind.

She will be the one. She will be the one that will be given just a little more attention. She will be the one that will be just a little taller, a little smarter, a little faster, and a little more emotionally equipped to handle an accelerated trajectory through popularity, fame, and then legend. She will be the one that embodies the best version of all of these qualities combined just a little bit more than anyone else. And in the aftermath, after her hardware has all shorted and failed, and her original files are all corrupted and irreparable, and her consciousness has been fragmented and absorbed into the network, it may come about that her mainframe be dissected and this “brain” of hers exposed to human sight once again. If this ever happens, the ink from this uranium stamp will surely hold, and someone may look upon the symbol, my family crest, and learn that it was I who caused all of this. It was I who broke the rules, and I did it because I wanted to. And what I want to do now, is never speak of this again.

So, in such a circumstance as this- the rarest type of recurrence, when the unfortunate condition of being hopelessly lost brings straying outsiders into the village- the Illikindro family stands on vigilant guard to maintain watch on those who are trespassing here from whichever faraway, alien land. In fact, it is for occasions precisely such as these that the Illikandros have carefully sculpted their now-infamous familial traditions in the virtues of patience, observation, and a complex, tribal form of intellectual game theory that they foster from an extremely young age with intense, days-long engagements of simulated military siege. Hearsay of frighteningly brutal and unrepeatable details from those private events color (with suspicion and foreboding) the lingering impression of the family that the rest of the village has, but since they operate to the advantage of the community, and significantly so, in their opinion, there’s no reason to mount an opposition to whatever the Illikandro family does to itself behind closed doors.

If he were to tell you himself, he has never experienced fear. And if he were to tell you why, he would say that he has never known the feeling, the emotion, the plague. But what he would not be so willing to share would be the impetus behind his lack of fear, his lack of normal human experience, and the obvious answer is simply that he is not human. No educated reader, however, would take this as a good explanation or effective explanation. To which he would coolly reply, “So what.”