I Stole My Sweater Back

i have realized over and over

that nothing matters

two years ago i lay

sick with abstinence

with my soul trying to

shake its way out of my body

my body that gave no hesitation

to help out

attempting to expel it in

every way possible

i lay nauseous with the

knowledge that i was dying

it was a mother to me when

crocodile tears stepped out

it cleaned up my vomit

and steadied my hands

it told me to be proud of myself

i had done the best i could

it told me nothing matters

some days my memory of this mother

leaves me feeling massively

crippled

what's the point

of having goals and

reaching achievement if

in the end i will accept and love

every part of what had happened?

but this mother

she didn't raise me to be weak

this mother gave me strength when

i needed it the most

i had abused my choices and it

once landed me on the edge

i found that to be okay

not even the friendliest angels could

look at me in a decent way

that was also okay

just this afternoon

i stepped outside

and saw the gray clouds

it smelled like rain

i felt the cold through my sweater

an electrifying blue swirl

on my skin

i looked up at the clouds and

towards the wind

i looked down at the brown leaves

blowing up and curving

and i remembered that

this mother has

never left

and she is still holding me

in her arms

nothing matters and

i am okay