"Good morning class, looks like we have a new student, give a Caradoc public welcome to, Kodi!". I can feel the nerves vibrating up and down my back, who are these people? Trying to be friendly, they don't know me. "Hey Kodi sit here", Jake, he was uncomfortably friendly, the kind of outgoing that seems acceptable but it's birthed in justifying his own ego. "umm, okey, hi.. I'm Kodi". Awkward at its finest description, I had been homeschooled my whole life prior. But damn he's cute, I shouldn't sit here, he's popular... I'm just the new kid. "Bells ring" okey recess, how do I do this.. analyzing, I walk out of the portable suddenly overwhelmed by the diversity of students. We were only kids, my first day of seventh grade felt like my first day of life, I knew nothing. Hop scotch, paddy cake, double Dutch, what is all this?... one boy in particular caught my attention, he was absurd, running around the tar Matt tea-bagging the other boys. I especially thought he was obnoxious, Taylor, the class clown if you will. How do you initiate a play date? So I invited him to my church, "hey Taylor do you want to, come over?". I was in, I soon caught on to my subconscious ulterior motives, I didn't just want to hangout. I didn't have any friends, I thought anyone I asked would instinctively shut me down, but, he said yes. Suddenly I could feel the blood racing through my vains, running down, lower, lower, harder, "okey cool see you later"... What's happening?... This is weird, he's a boy, yet everything in me feels a nervous warmth, a battle of love and lust. "Knock, knock, knock"... Shit I didn't think he would come, what do I say? Okey open the door, say hi... "Oh, hey Taylor, we can um, go down stairs". "Dude I like your room! Your couch looks so comfortable" a harmless comment, he's probably just trying to break the silence. I struggled to converse, I was lost in a fantasy of all the things I would let him do to me on that couch.. "Kodi! Your pretty quiet.." "What?! Oh, sorry, I just, never mind, what do you want to do?" "You invited me to church" "oh, right.." "Kodi we're leaving in ten minutes! Make sure you and your friend are ready!" My mom yelled across the house, it was embarrassing, but what can you do.. Taylor laughed "your family is funny haha" "really? I don't know, I guess.." So we went to church, I'd been going my whole life but this time was different. I felt like I didn't belong there.. I couldn't get my mind off of him... this was all too new.. days passed, and there was only ever one thing on my mind... Him.. "Taylor come over, spend the night" we were soon best friends, the ironic philosophy of the attraction between opposites, this seemed to describe our relationship. "Knock, knock, knock" this time it was easy. I invited him downstairs to watch movies, it was late, so he soon fell asleep. but there I lay, physically comfortable yet mentally un-easy, sexually u-easy... Suddenly the voices start, disguised as desire, masquerade impulse, a mental circus. "Touch it, you're a twelve year old kid, it doesn't matter, besides, he's asleep anyway, he'll never know". It seemed to click in me... I can do this and I don't need to drag anyone else into my fantasy, he'll never know. he'll never know... It felt like the entirety of my existence depended on me knowing what it felt like, what it looked like. I wonder if he's circumcised, does he have pubes yet? Only one way to find out... The voices said it was normal for boys to be curious, boys will be boys... So I, stood up, nearly light headed as if all the blood in my body found a new home in my pants. I'd never been so hard, I'd never been so nervous, but id also never wanted something so much.. I knelt by him, lightly snoring on the couch, it never crossed my mind before, the shade of pink on his lips, a tantalizing innocence that drew me in. I soon caught myself Leaning in, closer, my heart beating to the point of fear but I knew what I wanted. the perfect ratio of plump, his lips on my lips while he dreamt away.. I wanted more, it wasn't enough.. I found myself leaning down, moving to the left, my eyes closed only guided by my cheek sliding along his torso until.. I felt it, fireworks launched in my heart, it wasn't just lust, I loved him... It felt like nothing id ever felt.. Lifting up his under wear, steeling a peek, it burned an image in my mind id never forget and downloaded to me a mission.. I wanted him, and I knew I would have him beyond my secret impulse. He never knew... But it stuck with me for weeks, I didn't understand what I did, all I knew was what I wanted. So I made masterbation a common topic of conversation and lifted the aspect of taboo in private conversation because I wanted to know what he liked, when, where and how often he did it. "Haha Kodi I'm on the bus right now and I have a boner haha!" "Dude me too lol" it was regular conversation, we texted about it and it was normal.. I felt like a master. It never occurred to me that I was being manipulative, I just knew that if I would get what I wanted I would have to make sex a common topic.. So I invited him over again, my plan was ready, I laid on my bunk bed while he was underneath on the infamous couch. "Hey Taylor.. Do you want to, compare?" "Umm, no not really.." My heart sunk, I felt humiliated, like we could never be friends after that because now he knew that I wanted him... My breath quickened and I laid there not expecting any sleep, so I sat in my thoughts, low key waiting, hoping he would say something else.. "Hey, Kodi are you still awake?" "Yea, what's up..?" "Come down... I think I want to". I didn't know what I just heard, I was immobile, "Kodi, you okey?" "Yea, I mean yea I'm coming down". my heart raced as I sat next to him knowing we both wanted the same thing.. It was clear. "I have such a hard boner right now haha" "lol dude me too, you first" "do it through the blanket" both making a tent with our blanket and a mutual desire to see what was underneath. I knew I had to lead with the next move so I took off my blanket revealing more definition as my penis reached upward from my underwear. I could feel his breath quicken as he removed his blanket and in that instant my focus turned to one thing, it was beautiful, perfect. I'd never seen it hard, the essence of the moment, knowing we were both horny he asked me a question that made my thoughts cease. "Kodi have you ever had a blow job?". How I respond to this question could make it or break it, this answer determines whether I win or lose, it's now or never..."No, but I've always wondered what it felt like.." "Me too".. A moment of mutual silence.. Time stopped as I knew it was now that I would have to muster up every ounce of bravery in my bones. So I said "okey". Time, became periodically slower the further I leaned, this time was different because he knew, and he wanted it, it was mutual. My mind perceive time so slowly I thought it would never actually happen. everything paused completely as my lips sat barely touching the head of his anxiously anticipating penis. With no words exchanged I slowly absorbed this moment, taking it in, the taste, the way it felt on my tounge, teasing my gag reflex, I felt complete as I tasted the intimacy of my only friend sliding in and out of my throat. His legs got tense as his penis flexed, his breath getting heavier and our intensity mutually increasing. my hands sliding up his belly to his chest as his semen dripped into my mouth releasing a breath of satisfaction. I looked up, our young eyes making contact knowing that we really experienced the rawness of each other. He smiled at me and said "what about you?"...

:Present tense note:

(My physical body grew as my sexual wiring remained lost in that moment. The psychology of the fact makes sense, but it doesn't hurt any less knowing that I'm 19 years old and still attracted to young boys...)

Better received as "Minor Attracted Individual" but who am I kidding?... I want to scream. It's funny how the human mind urges you towards things that don't actually help. I'm eating what I'm craving but it's never satisfying because it's only the antré, a treat to feed the beast inside me... I want to die, I think about it sometimes, a blade through my right eye, bubbles filling up my lungs all seeming uncomfortably necessary. Why?... That's the question though isn't it? Why me? Why this?... Why?... I'm a part of a minority, what an honour... I'm not the only one, I know that, only thing is everyone else is just as scared as I am to talk about it. We're not in the closet, no, it's different, we're the banished bread, kamakazi kids clicking our heels just to keep our cool, only thing is, we never really were. There was never any cool to keep. Clicking our heels, never making eye contact and swallowing just a little too deep, but don't mind me, I'm just following the rules; smile, laugh, try... Hide... I was once told you can't stop a bird from flying over your head, but you can keep from laying a nest in your hair, only thing is the bird is my sexuality and the nest was already there long before I could have concluded it wasn't normal to have a nest of insecurities nursing a bird to prey on the young heart. Hiding in the shadows of a seemingly regular life, I'm a captive of my own mind, never fully present in a conversation because I'm flooded by the decrease of dictator "what of I just..." . It's a tinted fantasy, like driving in the fog, but you can't turn on the fan to see the run down amusement park and van candy all feeding the stigma of masquerade remedies and the evolution of hope into poisoned alchemy. It seems to me that the world is a punishment over prevention society creating a paradoxical psychology in our mind of silence, feeds impulse, impulse feeds fear and fear, fear ultimately feeds silence. So we wake up in the morning and button up our anxiety and brush our depression while we gargle our insecurities so people know what's coming, Only thing is people never really know what's coming. Life dealt a hand, and no matter how many times I shuffle, they're still the same old cards...